Psych Info: IT’S NOT MY FAULT!

Q. I’m always being blamed and criticized. My childhood was difficult, we were poor, and I was abused. I’ve tried to overcome all this and live a good life but I don’t get any help from my family, friends or employer. They gripe and complain about things I do or don’t do. I’m sick of it. What can I do to get love and approval from others?

A. In order to get love and approval from others you must honestly face your faults. Most of us deny we have anything to do with the negative experiences we have in life. We yearn for others to change and act kindly toward us. We react with defensiveness to criticism or fault finding. This is typical of mankind. In the Bible, Adam and Eve blamed each other, God and the devil! They evaded all responsibility for their actions.

   

Our culture encourages us to excuse ourselves and blame others. Our culture supports us in our self-focus. We say for example, “If I hadn’t been abused as a child I wouldn’t get angry so easily.”  “If my husband helped me more I wouldn’t be so tired and irritable.” “If my boss was nicer, I wouldn’t make mistakes and I’d get more done.”  “If my children would listen to me I wouldn’t yell at them so much.” We’re full of “ifs” which we use to blame or excuse our negative behavior on the basis of what others do to us.

   

The childhood reasons you give for your behavior may have been the original causes for your anger, frustration and unhappiness. You did have a hard life as a child.  But when you use this as an excuse for your behavior today you remain stuck. What kind of a person do you want to be now?  Do you want to be a mother who yells, a wife who is irritable or an inept employee?  You can’t change the past but you can change your attitudes and behavior now and in the future.

If you want to get love and acceptance from others you first need to work on changing yourself. Changing yourself is not an easy task but since it’s impossible to change anyone but yourself it must be your focus.

   

Begin by facing yourself honestly. Don’t defend yourself when you’re criticized or blamed by someone else. Instead, stop and consider whether there is any truth to the criticism. If there is, acknowledge this at least to yourself and start making changes in yourself. If there’s no truth to the criticism you can just forget it without defending yourself.

   

Admit to yourself your angry and hurt feelings toward those who mistreated you as a child or as an adult. Feelings are OK. It’s what we do with them that can hurt us and others. Write your feelings in a journal or pour them out to God in prayer. This will help you let go of resentment and anger.

   

The most difficult step is to admit the many ways in which you have wronged or hurt others. Make of list of your faults and then confess these to God, to a pastor or a counselor, or even to the person you wronged. Facing the truth about ourselves is painful and difficult. We don’t want to admit our own flaws or faults. We don’t want to take responsibility for our own behavior and attitudes. 

   

Be patient with yourself in taking these steps. Being totally honest with yourself and others will free you. You will then be able to forgive yourself and love and accept yourself. When you have reached this point your inner acceptance and God’s acceptance will be all that matters. The change in you will draw the love and acceptance of others. You will enjoy this but will no longer need it.

“Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm 34:5

Blessings, Dottie

PSYCHO INFO: MARRIAGE COUNSELING CAN BE HAZARDOUS

Q. My wife and I saw two different marriage counselors and neither one was helpful to our marriage.  One counselor wondered why my wife stayed with me since she was so unhappy. Another counselor saw us separately and told me that maybe we should separate. We don’t want to separate or divorce.  We just want to learn how to solve our marital conflicts. Marriage counseling almost tore us apart. Does marriage counseling ever help? What will help us?

A. I was a marriage counselor for over thirty years and I’ve heard many similar stories. Unfortunately not all marriage counselors are trained to help couples change the way they interact with each other. Also, not all marriage counselors view marriage as a life-long commitment which most of us make before God, family and friends.  

          

Some therapists as well as our society, think that marriage should “make us happy” not understanding that all marriages have some low points and all marriages take work. Most couples can identify some positives in their relationship and don’t want to break up their marriage. They just don’t know how to fix it. 

William J. Doherty, Ph.D. gave a presentation called “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous To Your Marital Health.” He is appalled, as I am, at what some counselors tell couples. He describes one couple who saw a therapist together. The wife was clinically depressed and medication was begun. In a later individual session with the wife the therapist told her she wouldn’t recover from her depression until she “trusted her feelings” about the marriage. Then the therapist suggested a separation. The wife protested saying she loved her husband and was committed to him. The wife was stunned and didn’t return to the counselor.

Next she talked to her priest. He urged her to wait and see whether the depression was causing the marital problems or the martial problems were causing her depression. If things improved with the medication then all was well. Then he told her if it didn’t work out he would help her get an annulment!  Again, she was stunned. 

They finally saw a competent marital therapist who helped the couple. Dr. Doherty says that this couple “survived two efforts at “therapist-induced marital suicide.” 

Other examples of things incompetent therapists may say:

•  “Your marriage isn’t working any more.” This is like saying my car isn’t working anymore and it’s not worth repairing.
•  “Maybe it’s time to move on.” That’s what we say about a job. 
•  “You deserve better.” Friends, not just therapists will say this about a marriage. 
• One therapist refers to “starter marriage.” Starter marriage? We refer to a starter home? It’s a little home you plan to leave!                     

Dr. Doherty suggests that “this kind of language represents the invasion of a consumer ethic into marriage in addition to focus on individual fulfillment and satisfaction.” He encourages couples to take marital education classes and I would agree with him. I have seen more change happening in couples marriages through marriage education than through counseling though some couples need both.  Locally, I’ve been involved with The Third Option group for married couples.  I recommend you and your wife find a Third Option group or go to Weekend to Remember. 

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3

Blessings, Dottie

 

PSYCH INFO: HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY GUILT

 Q. I feel guilty nearly every day for one reason or another. If I have to cancel a doctor’s appointment, even for a legitimate reason, I feel guilty. I feel guilty about mistakes or poor decisions I made in the past. I’m always apologizing to people because I think I’ve said something that hurt or offended them. When I try to explain, they don’t even remember the incident. Sometimes I avoid contact with people because I don’t want to feel guilty again. But then I feel guilty for avoiding my friends. How I can I get over feeling guilty?

A. There are two types of guilt, healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt. Healthy guilt occurs when we make a hurtful mistake, commit a deliberate misdeed, or neglect a responsibility. Healthy guilt occurs when we realize a flaw in our character which needs to be corrected.

Unhealthy guilt makes us feel guilty no matter what we do. It is pervasive, irrational and self-punishing. It makes us feel worthless.  Unhealthy guilt is not productive, we don’t learn from it. We simply wallow in it and feel defective. 

Healthy guilt enables us to see our mistakes or flaws and use this knowledge to learn about ourselves. The process of accepting responsibility, making amends and determining to change our behavior is a growth process that increases self-respect.

Often those who feel guilty a lot will blame others for “making them feel guilty.” It’s good you realize that your guilt is your problem, not something someone else does to you. Although we are affected by the things others say, our emotions have to do with our own unique makeup and perception of our world. We must own our feelings before we can begin to overcome them.

Here are some steps for getting rid of unhealthy guilt:

1. Keep a journal about your guilt feelings. Note each time you feel guilty, what triggered it, how you responded to it (tears, anger, depression ) and your thoughts about why you felt guilty. 

2. Look for patterns in your guilt. Perhaps you can group the types of guilt you have such as guilt about the past, guilt about seeming failures, guilt about saying the “wrong” thing.

3. Ask your self, did I really do anything wrong? If the answer is yes then you are experiencing healthy guilt. You will need to face the issue and decide to change. For example, if you are habitually late and this is one of the things you feel guilty about, the solution is to change your ways. 

4. Ask yourself, did I do something that isn’t consistent with my goals for myself? If the answer is yes this is either healthy guilt or you have set unrealistic goals. For example, you feel guilt about eating a piece of pie because you want to lose weight. If you’re anorexic or your ideal is Twiggy, your goal is unrealistic and unhealthy. If you do need to lose weight your goal is OK and your guilt is healthy. In this case, use your guilt to help you get back on your plan rather than using it to beat up on yourself. 

If you did nothing wrong, yet feel guilty, talk back to the relentless critic in your head. Defend yourself against the unfair, untrue accusations made against you. Then tell your critic to scram. 

To get rid of healthy guilt, talk to God about your failures or sins and ask for forgiveness.

“If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Blessings, Dottie

PSYCH INFO: ANOREXIA & BULIMIA

HEALTHY BEAUTY

Q. My daughter, age 17, is very preoccupied with her weight, hardly eats at all and is too thin. I tried to talk to her about this but she became offended and clammed up. I’m concerned she may have an eating disorder. What are the symptoms of these conditions? How are they treated? 

A. Many young women (and some men) in their teens and early twenties struggle with an eating disorder. They don’t realize that they have a serious problem which usually requires medical and psychiatric intervention. Anorexia is a serious, life threatening condition of deliberate starvation. A person who is anorexic has an obsession with being thin and an unrealistic standard of what constitutes thinness. Those who do not get help have a high mortality rate.   

Bulimia is characterized by recurring episodes of binge eating followed by self-induced vomiting or purging by laxatives, enemas or diuretics. Persons with bulimia have a fear of being fat and use the above methods to lose weight. Bulimics usually have less severe weight loss than anorexics. The bulimic feels shame about their problem and so is secretive about it.

The physical consequences of anorexia include: extreme weight loss, loss of menstrual periods, constipation, hair loss, dizziness, fainting, insomnia, kidney failure and severe electrolyte imbalances which can lead to heart attacks. 

The physical consequences of bulimia include menstrual irregularities, swollen glands, frequent weight fluctuations, chronic dehydration, kidney problems and cardiac arrhythmia. Bulimics also can have gum recession, breakdown of tooth enamel and esophageal damage from excessive vomiting. Some young people suffer from both anorexia and bulimia, an especially dangerous condition.

The psychological symptoms of anorexia and bulimia include feelings of inferiority, obsessional thoughts about food, fear of obesity, perfectionism and a distorted body image.

The media contributes to this extreme obsession with appearance and an unrealistic standard of what constitutes beauty. Recent research discovered that women who viewed advertisements of thin, beautiful women felt unhappy with their own appearance after only three minutes. Teens are especially influenced by these ads.

A former supermodel Carre Otis, who has been pictured on the cover of fashion magazines and was featured in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue some years ago has acknowledged her problem with anorexia. On ABC’s Primetime, she described going on a liquid fast for two weeks before each photo shoot.  Her doctors found she had three holes in her heart.

After heart surgery she began eating three meals a day instead of one. She told Primetime, “When I first started to eat food during the day it was the most terrifying thing for me. I would eat and then...cry for hours.” For seventeen years she starved herself all day and ate only a little dinner. 

Carre now weighs 155 pounds, 30 pounds over her ideal model weight. But she is still beautiful and modeling offers pour in. Carre Otis is a size 12. The average American woman wears a size 14.  Few women are meant to be as tiny as the women depicted in ads.  Carre also discovered her inner beauty when she went on a humanitarian trip to Nepal. “That’s when I felt like the most beautiful woman.”

You must get help for your daughter. She should have both a medical evaluation and psychotherapy. She must be monitored medically while working on the underlying psychological causes of the problem. Reassure her that the medical and counseling help will be offered to her with understanding, not blame.

A renewal of faith can also help anorexics and bulimics. Faith in God can help them give up their need to control and their need to be perfect, learning to place their life in God’s hands. 

“Heal me O Lord and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.” Jeremiah 17:14

Blessings, Dottie

Psych Info: WHAT IS EMOTIONAL MATURITY?

Q. It seems to me that more and more people are emotionally immature.  We hear about road rage, child abuse and outrageous competitive behavior by parents at their children’s soccer games. What is emotional maturity and how can we instill it in our children? 

A. Emotional maturity is lacking in many people today. We are tempted to tell them to “grow up”, if only just saying this would make it happen. William C. Menninger, MD, noted psychiatrist, lists seven Criteria of Emotional Maturity. These are excellent guidelines to judge and guide our quest for maturity in ourselves, and in our children. The comments following each of these are my own understanding and thoughts.

1. The ability to deal constructively with reality. Individuals with this trait are able to face the truth about them self and to see the world realistically.  For example, when given a bad review at work they will remain rational, though inwardly in turmoil. They will attempt to understand and grow from the criticism if it is valid.

   

2. The capacity to adapt to change. Change is inevitable in life. The mature person lets go of the past and moves forward in the direction change takes them. This isn’t necessarily easy even for the mature person, depending on the significance of the change.

   

3. A relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties. The emotionally mature person is able to function in the world even though they may have some anxious or tearful times, occasional insomnia or minor physical symptoms. They go to work and do their job in spite of tension or anxiety.

   

4. The capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving. Our culture encourages self-centeredness, grabbing for ourselves. Until we learn that giving is more rewarding we remain like children. When we enjoy giving we are kind, gentle and loving with others and with ourselves.

   

5. The capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual satisfaction and helpfulness. We enjoy working and relaxing with other people and there is mutual give and take in our relationships with others. Again, we connect and enjoy friendships. We are kind, gentle and loving.

   

6. The capacity to sublimate, to direct one’s instinctive hostile energy into creative and constructive outlets. I’m not sure I would describe anger as “instinctive hostile energy” but we certainly are born with the God given capacity to get angry. The emotionally mature person has learned to control his anger so it does not do emotional or physical damage to anyone.  After his or her anger has subsided, the emotionally mature person attempts to find a rational, constructive solution to the problem. Though anger may be justified often forgiveness goes the second mile.

   

7. The capacity to love. Love is not a feeling. It’s how we behave toward others. Love is the action we take no matter how we feel. A sick child wakes us at night and we stay up and nurse the child though we certainly don’t feel like it. The apostle Paul defines love in this way: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”  Read I Corinthians 13 for Paul’s complete description of love. 

   

How can we help our children grow toward emotional maturity? Children learn from our behavior as well as from our words. If we lovingly model emotional maturity they will learn this from us. We must understand that their growth toward maturity is a slow process. We must be patient and accept their immaturity while applauding each sign that they are becoming more emotionally mature. We need to be patient with ourselves in our own growth to maturity also. No one meets these criteria perfectly or all the time.

“Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one who gains understanding.” Proverbs 3:13

Blessings, Dottie

Psycho Info: WHAT IS AN EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY PERSON?

Q. What is an emotionally healthy person? It seems to me that everyone has strange quirks in their personality, unresolved past issues, and difficult family relationships. Is anyone emotionally healthy?

A. There are a variety of criteria used by various experts to define an emotionally healthy person. Since we are all flawed human beings no one meets all these criteria 100 percent of the time. We are all works in progress. Hopefully, we’re growing in the direction of emotional health.

         

Dr. Doug Meske, psychologist, suggests we have six emotional needs and when these needs are met we function in a healthy way. These basic needs are:

1. Positive self esteem. We have positive self esteem when we know we have value just for being who we are apart from any role or accomplishment. A person with positive self esteem can think or say “I like myself.” They can be aware of their flaws yet still accept themselves for their positive qualities. 

2. A sense of accomplishment and purpose. We have a sense of accomplishment and purpose when we feel pride or satisfaction in what we do. We play many roles in life: parent, friend, daughter, spouse, employee, and so forth. We need to feel satisfied about our accomplishments in at least some of the roles we play.

         

3. A sense of security. We need to feel safe. We need inner peace. We need order, consistency and trust in daily life and in our relationships. If we have to “walk on egg shells” we are not feeling safe. A healthy person will gain this inner security from consistent, positive family relationships in childhood or from substitute positive relationships as an adult. Inner security is also gained by believing in God and trusting he is good and loving and cares for his children.

Life is unpredictable and not always under our control. The emotionally healthy person learns to cope with change and disappointment. A healthy person recognizes what can be changed in their life and what cannot. The Serenity Prayer below is a helpful resource to keep ourselves from worrying about the ways in which we are not totally secure. 

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

         

4. We need relationships. “No man is an island.” We need to have contact with friends, colleagues, family members. We need to know that someone else knows who we are and cares about us. We may enjoy time alone and at times feel lonely but we also are able to connect with others.

         

5. We need to take care of unfinished business. We may need to grow up! We have hurts, grudges or unresolved issues from our childhood, from past relationships or from past experiences. We need to look at these, address them and then let them go.  Past baggage weighs us down. We need to realize that we don’t always have to act on our feelings. We can be angry, for example, without hurting anyone. We can respond calmly and appropriately even when someone else is acting inappropriately.  

         

6. We need to be able to have fun. We need to take time to relax and enjoy life. We need to look forward to pleasurable activities. Laughter is healing and keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously. 

I would add:

7. We need God. We need to reach beyond ourselves to find meaning in life. Faith can fill a deep inner need we all have and so much more.

“God gives wisdom, knowledge and joy to those who please him.” Ecclesiastes 2:26

Blessings, Dottie

Psych Info: COUNSELING AND SPIRITUAL ISSUES

 Q. My wife and I have some problems in our relationship which we need

to face. We argue a lot and don’t know how to settle disagreements. I’ve been involved in AA for several years and it has helped me stay sober. It has also done much more than that. Through AA I have come to a more meaningful understanding of my “Higher Power” - my God!

 I’ve joined a church and have found new purpose and meaning to life. My wife believes in God but she doesn’t understand my new found faith. We’ve had a few arguments over this. I’m hoping and praying we will grow together spiritually. We want to talk with a Christian counselor. We can’t afford to pay much for counseling but we don’t want to talk to a minister. Who could we talk to about these problems? What do you suggest?

A. The problems you raise are important ones. Many of us need or want counseling in relation to our spiritual questions and our spiritual growth. We feel a yearning toward God and an interest in deepening our faith. We also want to be able to share our faith with those closest to us.

         

Many of us also know we need individual or marital counseling yet we want to see a therapist who shares our faith. Talking with a therapist who has a similar world view is especially important if you want to explore spiritual issues. To do otherwise is like trying to communicate in two different languages. Some of the meaning might be understood but much would be lost in the translation.

         

This does not mean that a Christian counselor would impose their own views on clients.  As with secular therapists, the treatment is guided by the client’s needs and wishes.  However, in any therapy the counselor does have a bias. Our beliefs and opinions are transmitted often without any words.

         

Your experience with AA and your faith journey that resulted from this is a testimony to the value of that program in helping alcoholics recover. Often after sobriety is established there is need for marital counseling. Prior to that, problems were avoided or drowned in alcohol. You will need to learn to stay out of arguments with your wife - especially about spiritual issues. Arguments don’t solve anything. If you can’t control your feelings postpone talking with your wife until you are calm. 

         

Use mirroring when you do talk. Mirroring involves repeating back a summary of what you heard her say before you give your opinion. She will listen to you when she feels you understand and respect her opinions. What you do speaks louder than what you say so live your new faith. 

         

A professional counselor will help you address the issues you have raised. You will be free to explore your problems at your pace and according to your own needs. The counselor will not solve the problems for you but will help you find solutions that fit you both. In talking with the counselor you will come to a better understanding of each other and of your relationship.

         

To find a Christian counselor ask a pastor or call Christian counseling centers listed in your phone book. It is essential that you find a counselor who has a Christian worldview. There are also low cost Christian programs that can be very helpful for marriages  including The Third Option, A Weekend to Remember and Marriage Encounter.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3

Blessings, Dottie

Psych info: FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS, NOT PROBLEMS

Q. I’ve heard there is a type of therapy that focuses on solutions rather than on problems. As I understand it, in solution focused treatment the past history of a person is not important. I’ve also heard that change happens much more quickly with this type of treatment; that this really works. What can you tell me about this type of treatment?

A. Solution focused therapy is quite different from a more traditional, passive model of therapy in which the therapist listens to and focuses on the client’s thoughts, history, dreams, symptoms, fears, angers, hurts, guilt, resentment and pain. The focus of traditional therapy has been on problems and pathology; on the past and on unconscious issues or issues we attempt to avoid. 

In solution focused therapy little time is spent exploring with the client “Why?,” “How long?” or “How does it make you feel?” Instead, the Solution Focused therapist will be more active in directing the therapy and will focus on solutions and the future. 

         

Solution focused therapy is based on a number of assumptions. Some of these are:

1. Each person has strengths and abilities to help themselves. Once these have been identified and verbalized, the person knows how to solve their problem. Instead of dwelling on pathology, the focus is on the strengths and abilities the client has and what they can do about their problem. 

         

2. The therapist cannot change a client. Clients can change themselves if they want to do so. Some clients believe their problem is external, “My son has a problem,” or “My husband has a problem.” Their son or husband may have a problem but the person seeking the help can only change their own behavior or attitude. This in turn, will affect their relationships.

3. A small change can lead to bigger changes. “A journey of one thousand miles begins with one step.”   

                                                   

4. No one can change the past. So how much information is necessary? Often therapists and clients dwell on the past. With someone who has been abused, who has experienced a trauma or who is grieving, focus on the past may be helpful, I believe. Eventually, however, we must let go of the past. 

         

5. Human interactions are very complex and are not due to true cause and effect. Therefore, does the cause matter? There are usually many factors causing family conflict, for example. Even if you knew the cause would it solve the problem? The answer is no.

6. If something works don’t fix it. If it doesn’t work, do something differently. Often we keep doing the same thing over and over trying to solve a problem. If we keep doing the same thing we will keep getting the same result. 

         

Solution focused treatment asks future-oriented questions that help the client envision life as they want it to be and figure out from this how to achieve it. For example, clients are often asked, “If you were to wake-up tomorrow and your problem was solved, your life was improved, what would be different?” Similarly, the therapist will help clients note the times the problem does not occur and look at these exceptions. The question is asked, “What are you doing differently during the times your life feels good?” 

         

Solution focused treatment is very practical and is conducive to change. Since it is future oriented, it guides the client to setting realistic goals in the future to make their life and relationships move in the direction they desire. 

         

To learn more about the solution focused approach to change read Divorce Busting and Fire Your Shrink both by Michelle Weiner-Davis. There is much that is worthwhile and effective in this approach.

Another solution focus that works is prayer and seeking God’s presence and wisdom to guide you. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Blessings, Dottie

Psych Info: THINKING STYLES

Q. My sister and I are total opposites yet we grew up in the same family. How can this be? When we get together it’s like trying to mix oil and water. I like to plan a head while she’s impulsive and spontaneous. I’m organized and she’s messy and disorganized. She says whatever she thinks while I’m cautious and quiet. She seems to have no sense about life - spending money she doesn’t have and never planning for the future.  

I love my sister and wish I understood her. Why are we so different? How can we learn to get along?

A. You and your sister have opposite thinking styles. Researchers in the 1970s discovered that the two sides of the brain have separate and distinct functions. The left side of the brain is where logical thinking, reasoning and organizing occurs. The right side of the brain is where emotions, visual images, and dreams take place. A left brained person is critical, rational, logical, disciplined, a thinker. A right brained person is a dreamer, emotional, free spirited, people oriented. 

   

In other words, we think in two very different ways. We think in words but we also think in pictures; we think verbally and non-verbally. The more we become aware of the two ways in which we think the more access we will have to both sides of our brain.

   

Those who are left brained and logical can develop the more neglected side their brain by being aware of the images in their minds. For example, if I ask you to describe your childhood home you will answer me in words but as you do so you will have a visual picture in your mind. We have visual images in our minds more often then most of us realize. Using this imaging ability consciously can help develop the creative side of our brain.

         

When you have difficulty getting a point across to your sister, use a word picture as this will speak to both sides of her brain at once. Tell her for example, “your financial situation reminds me of a boat with a hole in it. I’m afraid you’ll go down with the boat.”

Doug Hall, author of Jump Start Your Business Brain, says that logical left brained individuals are easier to work with on creative projects than radically right brained people. Left brained people can easily grasp the need to stretch their brains and become more creative. In contrast, right brained individuals can’t see their need to stretch and be more logical and practical. In other words it’s easier to get a left brained person to discover their right brain than it is to get a right brained person to find their logical left brain. 

   

Each brain style has its own strengths and weaknesses. As a left brained person your practical, cautious nature may keep you in a routine life style, preventing you from growing. You can make a logical decision to learn from your sister how to be more spontaneous, creative and free spirited in the way you approach life. 

   

It’s doubtful you can change your sister though your understanding of her may help you be less polarized. Show her this article and tell her your concerns about her impractical ways. If she’s interested in stretching her less developed left brain she can learn from you and she can also develop the left side of her brain by reading, keeping a journal and working cross word puzzles. 

The two of you can learn to work as a team with your sister thinking up the creative ideas and you bringing them down to practical reality. All this takes is appreciating and using your differences rather than fighting about them.

God loves variety. He created each person uniquely. We both grow when we understand our differences.

“As iron sharpens iron, so man sharpens his fellow man.”  Proverbs 27:17

Blessings, Dottie

Psych Info: Healing Inner Wounds

Psych Info: HEALING INNER WOUNDS  

 Q. A friend of mine is seeing a counselor and she has been taught to identify her inner “wounded child,” her inner “critical parent” and her inner “adult.” This seems like a very helpful way to understand yourself. I often feel very hurt by what others say and do. Is this my “wounded child”? What do I need to do to heal this part of me? Where can I learn more about this approach?

A. There are many theories about personality and about therapeutic change. Many of these theories identify the broken part of us as the wounded child. Transactional Analysis was one of the earliest theories to do so. Dr. Eric Berne noticed that each of his patients moved in and out of various ego states. (An ego state is an identifiable system of feelings, behavior and physical reactions.) Dr. Berne identified three ego states that we all have and need: the Parent, the Adult and the Child. This is a very helpful way to identify the patterns in your own inner struggles and can help you heal your wounded child.      

         

The Parent ego state holds all the messages we have received from our parents and have internalized. This includes all the shoulds, oughts, expectations and criticisms from our parents and parent figures as well as all the nurturing messages they gave us. Thus, the parent ego state includes the “critical parent” and also the “nurturing parent.”

The Adult ego state is reason, logic. “Nothing but the facts.” It contains the facts about our day-to-day life and represents adult ways of dealing with life.

         

The Child ego state is our emotions and wants both now and through out our lives. It is the storehouse of all our past hurts and it is also the area in which we are free, spontaneous, and rebellious. Thus, the Child ego state contains both a “wounded child” and a “playful, free child.” 

         

No one has a perfect childhood. We all carry inner hurts into adulthood though we may not know this. We coped with these hurts by repressing them and they pop up later.

When we are hurt as very young children we cannot cope with our overwhelming emotions. We learn to freeze inwardly, to block out feelings, thoughts and memories, in order to survive. We are easily hurt as adults when something reminds us of a past hurt because this reservoir of pain has been tapped.

         

The wounded Parent copes by fighting. To ward off pain or ownership of problems the wounded Parent blames others. The wounded Adult has learned to flee and will avoid close relationships.

         

When we are in our whole Child we are spontaneous and playful. When we are in our whole Adult we behave as reasonable contented adults and we are interested in having meaningful intimate relationships. When we are in our whole Parent we will be very nurturing of ourselves and others.

         

Often our wounded parts are at war with each other. For example our wounded Parent may be critical of our wounded Child. You can help yourself by identifying which ego state you are in at any given time. When you become aware you are in one of your wounded ego states, tap into the whole nurturing Parent within and comfort yourself. This means no matter how childish your wounded Child is, you will comment from your nurturing Parent in a supportive, comforting way. 

         

For further ideas about healing the inner child read these classic books “I’m OK, You’re OK" by Eric Berne, M.D. and Your Inner Child of the Past by Hugh Missildine, M.D.  Counseling can also help. Resolving buried issues from the past often requires professional help.

A Christian counselor might use Transactional Analysis to help a client understand inner conflicts but would also encourage a Christian client to know God and turn to him for help and healing.

“Come unto Me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matt. 11:28

Blessings, Dottie