STAYING YOUNG AT HEART

Q. My husband and I are both retired and starting to feel our age. Our eyesight and hearing aren’t as good as they used to be and we tire more quickly. We have aches and pains but so far our doctor has found nothing major wrong. Some times we feel life is almost over. Some times we’re bored and lonely. We don’t want to give up on life as we know this can affect us physically as well as mentally. What can we do to stay young at heart.

A. Physical aging is inevitable for all of us but a positive attitude does slow down this process and can make our aging years more enjoyable. In addition to keeping our bodies healthy with proper diet, exercise and medical care, we need to learn how to stay young at heart. Here are ten ideas that can help us stay young.

1. Don’t let your age get in the way of your activities. Life is for living. Do the things you enjoy. We live in an age when even the physically handicapped can stay involved in many activities.

2. Keep on learning. Our minds and hearts stay young when we’re actively engaged in something of interest to us. Join an adult education class, an art class, an interest group or a Bible class. 

3. Laugh and have fun. Look for humor in the daily events of life. Play games with friends, children or grandchildren. Spend time with a four year old and laugh every time they laugh.

4. Volunteer to help someone in need. We all have something to contribute. We can visit a shut in. We can help a single parent with repairs or errands or baby-sitting.  We can volunteer at a hospital or a food pantry. When we contribute our time, our attention and our abilities to others we help ourselves as well as our community. When we give of ourselves we feel young at heart. 

5. Make your relationships a high priority. Reach out to family members and stay connected. Plan reunions with siblings, cousins, and other relatives.  E-mail makes it possible to keep in touch with family and friends across long distances. 

6. Take care of unfinished business. Let go of grudges or resentments. Forgive those who have hurt you and ask those you have hurt to forgive you. Hanging onto resentment hurts us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. If you have trouble letting go of past hurts or traumas get help from a counselor or pastor. 

7. Expect change and learn to accept it. The longer we live the more things will change, especially in this day and age. Our tendency is to resist change even when it’s a change for the better. Change stretches us and can keep us young if we learn from it or view it positively.

8. Be open to making new friends. Join church groups or interest groups where this can happen. As we grow older we will lose many friends as a result of moves or death. Loneliness and isolation are primary causes of depression and illness among the elderly. We need to stay connected with others.

9. Learn to just be. Most of our life we’re busy doing. We think we’re only valuable for what we do; for what we contribute. In our later years we have the luxury of relaxing. It’s O.K. to just be. You are valuable as a person just for who you are.

10. Deepen your relationship with God. Faith is a miracle cure for many ills! You now have time for prayer, Bible study and worship. God will comfort you in times of despair and will bring joy to your heart as well.

“Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take.” Proverbs 3:6 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

FAMILY RECONCILIATION AT CHRISTMAS

 Q. I'm 18 years old and a senior in high school. My older sister got married last summer. Dad refused to go to her wedding because he didn’t approve of her fiancé. My sister was very hurt by this and everyone was upset. My Dad and my sister still aren't talking. My sister doesn’t come over to the house any more so I never see her. When I call her to talk to her my Dad accuses me of siding with my sister. I’m sad and upset about this and wish my family wasn’t so divided. At Thanksgiving my sister went to her husband's family for dinner. I'm worried now about what will happen at Christmas. I'm not sure they will ever make up. My Dad's sister hasn't spoken to their Dad for about 20 years. ? What can I do to help?

 A, Alienation between two members of a family creates heartbreak, tension and un happinessfor every one. Often family alienation occurs around special occasions, especially around "rites of passage" such as weddings and funerals. These are emotion packed occasions. Alienation is a detouring of the emotions, almost like a short circuit. It protects the persons involved from overwhelming emotions just as a circuit breaker stops an overload of electricity from doing damage. 

In your father's and sister's case, they probably both had overwhelming feelings about no longer being intimately involved as father and daughter. It’s interesting that there is long lasting alienation going on in your father's family. This type of “cut off” often runs in families. There may have been alienation in his family going back for many generations. The circumstances of the alienation in previous generations may even be similar as each generation learns from the previous one and tries to resolve the same emotional difficulties in familiar ways. 

Often family alienation can be resolved if one person will make the attempt to do so. The person reaching out may have to do so more than once, however, in order to break through the emotional barrier set up by months or years of hurt and angry silence. When a family estrangement has continued for a long period of time, counseling may be necessary in order to resolve it. The hard work of family therapy can stop the repetition of bitter divisions carried on from one generation to another. 

Here’s what you can do: Enlist the rest of the family to convince your Dad and your sister to make up. Perhaps the family member closest to each one can talk individually with each of them or you can hold a family meeting with each one. Give the two injured parties time to express their feelings. Listen without arguing. When they have finished, ask them to listen to you. Then tell them how you feel about the alienation, how it is affecting you. Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements (which sound blaming) – such as the one you used “I’m sad and upset and wish my family wasn’t divided.” 

Find out what they want from the other person in order to reconcile and then share this to the other person. Let each one know of any softening on the part of the other. Remind them that Christmas is about love and therefore a great time to forgive. Tell them forgiveness does not mean the other person hasn’t hurt them. Forgiveness means letting go of my desire to hurt the other person for hurting me. 

Readers: Is there someone you need to forgive and reconcile with this Christmas?  Don’t let pride or stubbornness keep you from forgiveness and love. 

“Be kind to each other. Tenderhearted forgiving one another, just as God through Christ Jesus has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32 

Blessings, Dottie

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FORGIVENESS IS A PROCESS

Q.  I’m angry and bitter about my life. I was physically and sexually abused as a child by several male relatives. I thought I’d escaped all of that when I got married but I still have nightmares about the abuse. My family doesn't understand how hurt I’ve been. I’m afraid to trust anyone. I opened up to a friend and she told me I had to forgive and forget. I’ve tried to do this, but the nightmares continue and so does my bitterness. What can I do to get over all this trauma? How can I forgive all this?

A.  Forgiveness is a lofty and important goal but not a simple one. Being able to forgive and also forget is questionable. If we were able to forget, forgiving would be easier. But the hurts and traumas of the past are buried in our unconscious. They creep out in our nightmares. They affect our self-esteem and our relationships. They are never forgotten.

         

No one feels content while tied to these past hurts. No one feels content while bitter and resentful. We must begin the road to forgiveness in order to help ourselves. Forgiveness is the goal we aim for in order to overcome our anger and bitterness about hurts and traumas.

         

Well meaning friends often urge us to forgive and forget instantly. They do not understand that forgiveness is a process; not something we can do immediately.  Nor do they understand the extent of our pain. If you are attacked and beaten by a thug, even if you forgive him instantly, it will take weeks for the bruises to disappear. Healing takes time. No one would tell you to give up your black eye, or to snap out of your broken arm, would they?   

         

Some of us might be able to forgive instantly an unkind remark made unintentionally by someone we know really cares for us. No one can instantly forgive physical, sexual or emotional abuse received in childhood. The deeper the wound the longer it will take to work through the painful emotions connected with it. 

To overcome your childhood traumas, the emotions connected with the hurt have to be re-experienced and acknowledged. It is necessary to talk about and "relive" your victimization. When we deny or minimize  this kind of pain we are apt to remain bitter and distrustful. 

         

Some of us have difficulty forgiving because we misunderstand forgiveness. We think if we forgive, we are saying to the person who hurt us, that what he or she did was OK. Forgiveness does not condone the hurtful, abusive behavior. Rather, the person who forgives, gives up their right to be angry and resentful - even though it is justified. 

                  

Eventually you will be able to let go of resentment and bitterness. I recommend you see a Christian counselor or pastor for help in forgiving the abuse you experienced as a child. You have been through devastating traumas and have suffered long enough.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in God through Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32         

Blessings, Dottie

Books to Deepen Faith

Forgiveness: Following Jesus into Radical Loving

By Paula Huston

Forgiveness is a profound book on the difficult issue of coming clean and forgiving all those in our past who have hurt us. It is a book teaching us how to follow Christ in every day life. This involves radical loving as the subtitle suggests. It also involves a great deal of soul searching. Paula Husted reveals her own struggles in forgiving others and in forgiving herself. Her journey in forgiveness led her to become an oblate – a lay member of a monastic community. This is a book that must be read over and over. Gems of wisdom jump from every page. Here are a few examples:

“No other religion came into being through an act of forgiveness.” xvi

 “The vengeance cycle can only be broken by humility.” 38

“When self-esteem is our primary goal, we learn to see ourselves and our own concerns as ultimate; we lose our sense of awe in the face of the divine.” 42

“Purity of heart means that every desire is for the same thing: God….Purity of heart refers to that joyful sense of being in which we can freely love the good things of life without losing sight of our North Star.” 71-72

Desiring God

by John Piper

Desiring God fanned the flame of my love for Christ and taught me much. Piper, who calls himself a Christian Hedonist, beautifully details the doctrine of the supremacy of Christ. He says that “the deepest and most enduring happiness is found in God. Not from God but in God.” His passionate descriptions of God and worship attest to this and raise the level of the readers’ desire for God and experience of worship. The supremacy of Christ is beautifully defined and worshipfully experienced.

Piper’s thoughts about false teaching, indifference and accountability in the church are also helpful and well said. It also delighted me to read Piper’s views on worship and missions.

 “Mission is not the ultimate goal of the church. Worship is. Mission exists because worship doesn’t. Worship is ultimate, not missions, because God is ultimate, not man. When this age is over and the countless millions of redeemed fall on their faces before the throne of God, missions will be no more. It’s a temporary necessity. But worship abides forever.”

This book is a classic and one to be read over and over.

“The true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth, for such the Father seeks to worship him.” John 4:23

Blessings, Dottie

FORGIVE AND BE FORGIVEN

Matthew 7:7-8 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

Luke 11:9 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

John 14:13-14 I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may give glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it.

John 16:23-24 I tell you the truth, my father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.

Everyone who asks, receives? Is this true? Jesus compares our asking things of God to that of a child asking his or her father. Our God is a very good Father. He will listen to us. He wants us to come to him, to know him, to be persistent. A good father will not give a child his every request or he would not be good. A child doesn’t see the big picture. God gives what is best for us – not what we think is best for us.

John repeats several times above that we should ask in Jesus name and that we can ask anything in His name and he will do it. John MacArthur says this isn’t a formula that will assure us our prayers are answered. Rather it means we want our prayers to be in line with his kingdom, based on his merits, and for his glory. The Holy Spirit will translate our selfish prayers for his glory.

Dear Father,

Lord, increase our faith in you. When we seek you our faith grows. It’s reassuring to know from Scripture that you want us to pray; you want us to ask of you, seek you, and knock on doors, persistently.

As I was writing this I ran across these verses from Jeremiah 29:12-13: “You will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Thank you for the assurance that you hear us and will give us good gifts, whatever is best for us. Help us keep your will in mind when we ask. Help us ask, seek and knock in keeping with your kingdom. Help us persist in seeking you. Help us pray with intensity. Help us understand that if we don’t receive what we pray for, it’s because you have something better for us.

It’s awesome to think that our faith in you can move mountains. It’s amazing to realize that in some mysterious way our prayers release your power into the lives of others, even those who don’t know you - healing or saving them. Increase our faith, Lord.

In Jesus name, I pray. Amen

FORGIVE AND BE FORGIVEN

Matthew 6:14-6:15 If you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive your sins. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Mark 11:25 When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.

Luke 6:37 Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.

These are the words of Jesus (in red in some Bibles) as recorded in Matthew, Mark and Luke. The importance of forgiveness runs throughout the Scriptures. Yet it’s so easy to hold grievances and grudges against those who hurt us, disappoint us or offend us. It’s so easy to judge or criticize others. Forgiveness isn’t easy.

The Matthew 6:14-15 scripture bothered me. Unless we forgive others God won’t forgive our sins? This doesn’t sound like a promise from our loving God. Yet it is. John MacArthur’s Commentary helped me understand this. He says this statement does not mean that God will withdraw justification from us. As believers in Jesus Christ we have “a permanent and complete acquittal of the guilt and ultimate penalty of sin.” MacArthur goes on to say, “Believers are to confess their sins in order to obtain a day-to-day cleansing.”

Forgiveness is God’s marvelous requirement to free us from our incessant need to judge others and our need to see ourselves as a victim. We must let go of pride and humble ourselves in order to forgive. Forgiveness frees us. Unforgiveness blocks our access to God who is holy. When we forgive our hearts are pure, loving, open and kind.

Dear Father,

We thank you for your forgiveness which we do not deserve. Help us forgive others daily. Help us accept others without judgment. Show us when we are holding onto a grudge or a past hurt. Show us when we are judging. Help us be humble and vulnerable; help us forgive others daily. Cleanse us from all unrighteousness. We thank you for the freedom we have in You.

In Jesus name, I pray. Amen

Holy Week Thoughts and An Old Rugged Cross

This is the most holy week of the Christian calendar. Most churches will have special services this week to recount the events of the first Holy week, to commemorate the Last Supper, to honor our Lord's agony in Gethsemane, His betrayal and arrest and His suffering and death on the cross to redeem us. And three days later his resurrection!

Let the meaning of this week sink in to your soul in a deeper way than ever before. Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you the amazing significance of this event in history. Wrap your mind and heart around the fact that Jesus, God in the flesh, the son of God, lived a sinless life, taught profound lessons in love, showed us God's unchanging character, and voluntarily died to save you and me. And he rose again. He's alive!

We can't stand in God's presence in eternity without Christ's blood covering our sins. Here's what Scripture says about the effect of Jesus sacrificial death on those who are in Christ:

God has forgiven you all your sins: Christ has utterly wiped out the damning evidence of broken laws and commandments which always hung over our heads, and has completely annulled it by nailing it over His own head on the cross. And then, having disarmed all the powers ranged against us, He exposed them - shattered, empty, and defeated-in His final glorious triumphant act! Colossians 2:13b-15

              On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross,

            the emblem of suffering and shame,

            and I love the old cross where the dearest and best

            for a world of lost sinners was slain.

            So I'll cherish the old rugged cross,

            till my trophies at last I lay down;

            I will cling to the old rugged cross

            and exchange it some day for a crown.

In Christ,

Dottie

This post originally appeared here on Faith Notes.

Learning to Forgive

Learning to forgive is one of the most important things you can do to improve your own mental, physical and spiritual health. Holding a grudge hurts us. There is medical evidence that resentment and bitterness harm us physically, emotionally and spiritually. When we hold onto resentment we close our heart not just to the person who hurt us but we close our heart a little to everyone. 

    

When we forgive we turn our pain into growth, both psychological and spiritual.  Forgiveness requires us to stop judging others and to realize that we each hurt each other. We cannot make the other person learn something. We can’t make them express remorse. No matter what the other person does, it is up to us to forgive. Holding onto our pain blocks our healing. 

Forgiveness is a process and it takes time. We may need to talk over our anger and pain with someone else or write about our thoughts and feelings before we can forgive. When we don't forgive we are imprisoned by the past. Not forgiving leaves us under another's control.  We are controlled by the other person's behavior and locked in a repetitive response of rage and revenge. The present is consumed by the past. Forgiveness frees the forgiver.

Some of the steps to forgiveness are:    

1. Admit to yourself that you are hanging on to resentments. Recognize that no one can take these resentments away except you. You cannot do this by denying they exist, but rather by facing them.

2. Allow yourself to remember in specific detail the times you were hurt or wronged. Notice the anger and blame that smolders in your resentment. In order to forgive the mistakes or "sins" of others we must first admit to ourselves how much they hurt us or disappointed us. This is a painful process.

    

3.Write about It or tell a counselor or pastor. Counseling may be necessary if your resentments won’t budge. Gradually open up with more and more honestly as you delve further into your story.

4. Look for the good in yourself and in those who hurt you. Make a list of the good traits.  Watch the other person and yourself and note small loving or admirable moments. You may also recall some happy times with that person. Pay attention to what caused him/her to be hurtful. This is not to excuse the person but so you can understand him/her.

5. Ask God to help you forgive. Forgiveness is a letting go process. It takes time. Forgiveness requires tenderness and love. Remember how much Christ suffered to forgive you. The book Forgiveness: Following Jesus into Radical Loving by Paula Husted will help you learn radical forgiveness.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

Blessings, Dottie

For more on forgiveness see my Faithnotes blog: The Healing Power ofForgiveness

What attitude is key in a marriage?

      One of the keys to successful relationships is an attitude of respect and reverence for each other. Each partner clearly values and admires the other person. How do you act when you value something or someone? Think about how you treat your most valued possessions. Suppose, for example, you have just purchased a new computer. Because you value your new computer you learn all you can about it; you learn what makes it tick. You admire and marvel over all it can do. You enjoy spending time with it and you take care of it. You handle it very gently if you have to move it.

     

Similarly, we need to learn to treat our partners in a way that truly values and respects them. We need to learn what makes them tick as individuals and to admire and value their uniqueness. We need to devote time to the person we value. And we need to be gentle and loving. A person's spirit is more easily damaged than a computer. 

Women are apt to feel more intensely than men. They tend to take things more personally than men do. Incidents may seem blown out of proportion to men but the intense pain is very real to women. Men need to realize this fact. Even when you don’t intend to hurt your partner, the pain still hurts as much. When either partner is hurt the other one needs to recognize and acknowledge that you have hurt him or her.

Go to your partner and say, "I'm very sorry that I hurt you. Let’s talk about this.” Be a bit persistent about this but at the same time tender. When your partner begins to talk, listen carefully and don't become defensive. (You can defend yourself later if necessary, once things are going better.)

If your partner still won't talk about it and the tension continues between you, think of other ways to let him or her know you understand how hurt he or she is and to show you do value him or her. You might write a letter telling your partner you understand how painful this has been. You could also send cards or flowers or call frequently.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 NKJV

Blessings, Dottie

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness has healing power. Forgiving those who have hurt or wronged us frees us from the past. It changes us. But it’s not easy nor is it a quick fix. It takes time and deliberate intention. Forgiveness is a process and it’s an act of the will.

Unforgiveness is like radioactive waste seeping into our souls. It pollutes every area of life, perhaps even lowering our immune system and contributing to a variety of physical illnesses. It also harms us spiritually. No one is content while bitter and resentful. We must forgive in order to free ourselves. We can easily forgive an unkind remark made unintentionally by someone who really cares for us. We can’t quickly or easily forgive physical, sexual or emotional abuse received in childhood. The deeper the wound the more difficult it is to work through the painful emotions connected to it.

Forgiveness does not condone hurtful, abusive behavior. Rather, when we forgive we give up our right to be angry and resentful; our feelings are justified but we let go of them. How can we forgive deep hurts? It helps to tell a trusted friend or counselor all the gory details. Another way to do this is to write about what was done to you; write about the thing you can’t forgive. This will help you let go of it.

Forgiveness is not an emotion; it’s an act of the will. We choose to forgive. We think we must “forgive and forget,” but this is not true. It’s normal to forgive but still remember what happened. The Bible commands us to forgive. And we need to remember God has forgiven us. When we close our heart to others we also close it to God. Ask God to help you forgive.

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Matthew 5:44

Blessings, Dottie