CHRISTMAS AFTER DIVORCE

Q. I’m a single parent of two children. My husband asked for a divorce last January; the divorce was final in June and he remarried in July. I’m depressed about the breakup of my marriage and overwhelmed at the thought of celebrating the Holidays. The children are still adjusting to the changes - we’re now living in a small apartment and they see their Dad every other weekend. How can I get through the Holidays? I want to give my children a happy Christmas in spite of all the changes. What do you suggest?

A. The first Christmas after a loss or major change in a family is difficult for all concerned. We go through a grieving process with any loss - not just when someone dies. Christmas often intensifies feelings of depression or loss because it is “supposed” to be a happy family time. 

It’s helpful that you’re living in a different place this year. One reason grief intensifies at Christmas is due to memories from the past that include the person we’ve lost. Being in a different location, without all the reminders of the past will make it easier to not let memories intrude on current enjoyment. You may want to change some of your usual Christmas routines for this reason.

       

Recognize that this Christmas will be different than previous Christmases. Talk this over with your parents or other relatives who will be involved in celebrating with you. Relatives grieve when a divorce occurs in the family, so they are dealing with sadness also. They may hesitate to talk about their own grief unless you share yours. Sharing your feelings will help all of you through the grieving process. Do this as you plan for Christmas so all will be prepared for the ways in which this Christmas will be different.

       

Talk with the children also about plans for this Christmas and about the fact that it will be different without Daddy there. It’s OK for your children to see some of your tears or sadness. It may even help them share their pain. Explain to them that we all grieve when there is a loss. But also reassure them that you will all be OK.           

Give your children as much of your time and attention as you can. This may seem impossible with all you have to do. Include them in the planning for Christmas. Let them help with household chores as well as with shopping, gift wrapping, and decorating. A few minutes listening to them and enjoying them at bedtime can also make a big difference to a child. Give hugs, kisses and say “I love you.”

You must also be very good to yourself during this difficult period of time. Single parents carry a double load of responsibility anyway and then to add to this the grieving process that follows divorce plus the extra “work” of preparing for Christmas and the result can be overwhelming. 

       

There are many ways you can be good to yourself. Don’t expect things to be perfect. Do only what is essential. Take time for yourself. Spend time with friends who love you and who lift your spirits. Accept help from others. Don’t hide your feelings, share them. See a counselor if you have no one else you can talk openly with or if you are seriously depressed, anxious or overwhelmed.

Focus on the deep meaning of Christmas. An Advent calendar and   Christmas readings each day can be enjoyed by all of you. Most churches have special Christmas programs throughout the month. Take your children with you to these and enjoy the music and the deep meaning of Christmas.

I hope these ideas will help you have as Merry a Christmas as possible.

“For unto us a child is born…” Isaiah 9:6

Blessings, Dottie

 

A COUNSELOR’S VIEW OF DIVORCE

This is a talk I gave in 1991, edited some. I’m retired now but will keep this in the present tense as it was written.

A Counselor’s View of Divorce

Couples on the brink of divorce are angry, hurt, unable to communicate and in a power struggle. Some times the power struggle is a cold war, some times there has been actual violence. Sometimes one partner has had an affair. Often by the time I see them one has decided to get a divorce but is coming to counseling to satisfy their partner. Often they have walls up from years of holding onto resentment, from years of abuse or from years of miscommunication. 

I have seen the most disastrous appearing marriages turned around. I've seen couples regain hope and love and work out lasting solutions to their problems within a matter of months. Naturally I've also seen many who have not done this. When both are committed to making the marriage work, I believe, with adequate counseling they can do so.

When I see couples I attempt to:

1. Give them hope that things can work out. I do this by getting them to focus on the times in their courtship or early marriage when they were in love, to remember those good times and the love they began with. I also focus on what they like about each other now and what each wants the other to do now or in the future that would show they care. If couples are actively hating each other I may comment on the fact that hate is a connection and that the opposite of love is indifference. Also, if they feel no love for the other - I may wonder if they can or do love the other person's soul.

2. I focus on the fact that they're both responsible for the problems but no one need be "blamed". They didn't intend for things to end up this way.

3. I educate them about the fact that virtually all marriages reach the power struggle stage and that marriage takes work and commitment. They work very hard on careers and on raising children but often coast regarding marriage.They need to put as much effort into the marriage as they do into careers or child rearing.

4. I work on helping them let go of resentments, forgive each other, improve communication and change their current relationship.

5. The root cause of dysfunctional marriages is often dysfunctional childhood development. Many couples need to work through issues from their families of origin. I do this in the context of marital therapy as I believe this helps them better understand each other and learn to nurture and accept each other - to accept even the childish parts.

Other guidelines:

1. Moving out of the home during the crisis is more apt to result in divorce than to reconciliation. Moving out may also lead to the continuation of an affair.

2. When one person has been involved in an affair the injured partner may become obsessed with the affair. The focus needs to shift off the affair to the meaning behind it and to solutions. The injured partner may want to know all the details. This will only feed the imagination and be difficult to forget. The injured party does have a right to know who, when, where, and in general what happened, how long it lasted and whether it has ended. They also have a right to know about a pregnancy or any sexually transmitted diseases.

3. I recommend couples tell as few people as possible about their problems. Family members mean well but they unwittingly take sides and this complicates forgiveness and reconciliation and encourages continued conflict.

4. It takes a year or more to fully recover from an affair if both partners actively work on it together in counseling.

My comments today: Divorce is devastating to the couple and to extended family members as well as to children, even adult children. The aftermath of divorce is as painful as most marital problems. They will go through a year or two of grieving the loss of the marriage. Divorce is not an easy way out.

If you decide to work on your marriage choose a Christian counselor experienced in marriage counseling who will share your determination to resolve the problems. Groups such as the Third Option, Marriage Encounter and A Weekend to Remember are very helpful and work well along with counseling. An active faith in God, praying and worshipping together will also help solidify your marriage.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in God through Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

HOW TO HAVE “SMART MARRIAGES”

Q. My marriage is miserable. We love each other but we can’t talk to each other. My wife and I argue constantly. We have been to counseling and it did no good. We’ve separated and reconciled a couple of times also. I’m ready to throw in the towel. Isn’t it better to have a good divorce than a bad marriage?

A. No it is not. There is no such thing as “a good divorce” though there may be some necessary divorces when abuse or violence are the rule. Divorce tears apart families, hurting children and extended family as well as the couple themselves.

         

Many couples as well as many in the helping professions - counselors and clergy alike, have become resigned to the idea that divorce is inevitable. This is not true. In an article in Strengthening Marriages, a newsletter from the Marriage Coalition, Judith A. Charlick, Ph.D. says, “Most people do not divorce because of a bad marriage with mental or physical abuse, alcohol or drug problems! They report that they have grown apart and can’t communicate well. Marriage skills can increase marital happiness and prevent many divorces.”

         

Similarly, in the same newsletter, the Reverend Christian Just is dismayed that many clergy often view divorce as inevitable. He says, “Not so......We can fix them! We don’t have to tell people to “stick it out” in unhappy and conflicted marriages; we can help them find the tools to make their marriages fulfilling, sustaining and joyous.” 

         

How is this possible? Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, says, “The idea is that love and marriage are actually skill-based propositions.” Sollee compares it to football in which we send a couple out to win with only love and commitment. “That’s like asking a football team to win on team spirit.- ‘for the Gipper’ but not teaching them any plays or signals. The basis for smart marriage is exciting new research that finds that what is different about marriages that make it - that go the distance and stay happy - are behaviors or skills.” Easy to learn skills!

         

I recommend you and your wife take a class together to learn the skills needed to make marriage work. Many churches are now offering weekly or weekend courses to help couples. One of these programs for building marriages is The Third Option.

The educational portion of The Third Option teaches couples skills necessary for a contented marriage and offers insight into the cause of problems. These are presented in an interactive way with skits, stories and demonstrations. This often gives couples a new model for understanding their relationship. They also learn that every marriage takes effort throughout life - just as any sport does.

         

A unique feature of The Third Option is the use of "Sharing Couples" who have had problems and worked things out. These couples share in a very open, vulnerable way the hurt and pain they have experienced and overcome in their own marriages. They also share the important role their faith has played in their reconciliation. Couples who come to the program do not need to talk about their problems in the group. The focus is on solutions and self-change. A number of couples say they would not be together today if it had not been for The Third Option.

I suggest you find a group where you can learn and practice communication skills. The Third Option, Marriage Encounter, and Weekend to Remember are three possible educational groups. A Christian counselor can also see you together to work on these issues. Also, read together Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas or Making Love Last Forever by Garry Smalley. Also see my blogs on Communication in Marriage.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3

Blessings, Dottie

Divorce Misconceptions

Q. My wife and I have an unhappy marriage. I love my wife but I wonder if we should get divorced. I know it would hurt the kids but isn't our unhappiness and bickering also hurting them?

A.  There are many misconceptions about divorce and it’s effects on children as well as adults. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee describes a study of the effects of divorce. Dr. Wallerstein interviewed sixty families at the time of their divorce and re-interviewed them five, ten, fifteen and twenty-five years later. The results reveal a number of major misconceptions about divorce.

              

The study showed that children are not happier after parents divorce even though they are no longer exposed to bickering and even if their parents may be happier. The facts show that children of divorce suffer greatly from anger, fear, sadness, depression, worry, rejection, conflicting loyalties, lowered self-esteem, anxiety, loneliness and even suicidal thoughts. 

              

The study also showed that divorce is not just a temporary crisis at the time of the divorce. Dr. Wallerstein says she did not see the whole picture until she interviewed these children as adults. She found that the child’s life was “profoundly altered by the divorce experience.” The child of divorce experiences many new relationships and changes: stepparents, step-siblings, second marriages, second divorces, and often a series of live-in lovers. The child experiences “a series of losses as people come and go.” Adult children of divorce say, “The day my parents divorced is the day my childhood ended.” 

              

Another misconception this study exploded was the idea that the best time to divorce is when children are very young. The facts show that the youngest children suffer the most. Young children are at an age when they need almost constant attention, protection and nurture. The turmoil of divorce does not provide this.

              

A fourth misconception is that the major impact of divorce occurs in childhood or adolescence. Wallerstein’s study showed that children of divorce suffer the most in adulthood. Due to the pain of their childhood losses children of divorce bring baggage into their intimate relationships. They may make poor relationship choices, give up too easily when problems occur, or avoid relationships. 

              

In addition adults are not immune to the pain of divorce. Even the person who most strongly wants out of a marriage will experience a period of grieving. Chris Cox, columnist for the Asheville (N.C.) Citizen Times, wrote about his own experience of divorce, “Divorce is a bomb that blows to shreds your sense of who you are and what you have become. It is a series of land mines, going off in your face when you least expect, the shrapnel of memories searing your heart.” He goes on to say, “You cannot escape the reality of loss. Rather, you must...soak in it, swim in it, absorb it..- in addition to letting go, once and for all, of the life you thought you had and the future that life implied.” 

              

Divorce affects friends and extended family relationships and brings pain and loss to friends, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. Divorce is never a pain free solution. 

              

What can you do to begin to solve things?  Watch five videos called Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce available free on www.beforeyoudivorce.  Each video shows film clips of experts talking interspersed with couples telling their experiences. Ideas for resolving differences are also presented. Some couples who have watched these videos have decided to stay together. Those who have decided to go ahead with a divorce have had a more peaceful divorce as a result of considering the effects of divorce before hand. 

Counseling with a Christian counselor or pastor along with The Third Option group for couples on the brink of divorce can help you work out the differences and conflicts in your marriage. Don’t give up. Divorce will compound your problems, not solve them.

“Change your ways. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace.” 1 Cor. 13:11 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Red Words in Scripture

DO NOT DIVORCE

Matt. 5:31-32 Do not divorce except for unfaithfulness as this equals adultery.

Matt. 19:9 Anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.

Mark 10: 11  Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.

Luke 16:18   Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery and the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

DO NOT DIVORCE

Father,

“Do not divorce” seems harsh in view of our culture’s acceptance of divorce, in view of how difficult marriage is, and in view of the fact we are all sinners. On the other hand, look what has happened to our culture with the acceptance of divorce. Families are torn apart. Many children know only one parent. Extended family members lose beloved in-laws or aunts and uncles. The easy acceptance of divorce has devastated the foundation of our culture – the family.

Nelson’s Illustrated Bible Dictionary says that Jesus’ point here was that divorce was contrary to God’s plan for marriage and should never be taken lightly. Hayford’s Bible Dictionary says “Behind every broken marriage is a heart hardened against God, then hardened against one’s mate.” This rings true to me as a counselor, for at least one of the two people divorcing. 

Father,

I thank you for your plan of life long marriage. I also thank you for my marriage which survived in spite of my hard heart and controlling ways. Marriage has enriched my life in so many ways - with my husband’s friendship and love, with children, grandchildren, and wonderful memories.  Even the struggles blessed us and forced us to grow throughout more than fifty years together.

I pray couples will honor their vows to each other and to you and will stay together.