PSYCHO INFO: MARRIAGE COUNSELING CAN BE HAZARDOUS

Q. My wife and I saw two different marriage counselors and neither one was helpful to our marriage.  One counselor wondered why my wife stayed with me since she was so unhappy. Another counselor saw us separately and told me that maybe we should separate. We don’t want to separate or divorce.  We just want to learn how to solve our marital conflicts. Marriage counseling almost tore us apart. Does marriage counseling ever help? What will help us?

A. I was a marriage counselor for over thirty years and I’ve heard many similar stories. Unfortunately not all marriage counselors are trained to help couples change the way they interact with each other. Also, not all marriage counselors view marriage as a life-long commitment which most of us make before God, family and friends.  

          

Some therapists as well as our society, think that marriage should “make us happy” not understanding that all marriages have some low points and all marriages take work. Most couples can identify some positives in their relationship and don’t want to break up their marriage. They just don’t know how to fix it. 

William J. Doherty, Ph.D. gave a presentation called “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous To Your Marital Health.” He is appalled, as I am, at what some counselors tell couples. He describes one couple who saw a therapist together. The wife was clinically depressed and medication was begun. In a later individual session with the wife the therapist told her she wouldn’t recover from her depression until she “trusted her feelings” about the marriage. Then the therapist suggested a separation. The wife protested saying she loved her husband and was committed to him. The wife was stunned and didn’t return to the counselor.

Next she talked to her priest. He urged her to wait and see whether the depression was causing the marital problems or the martial problems were causing her depression. If things improved with the medication then all was well. Then he told her if it didn’t work out he would help her get an annulment!  Again, she was stunned. 

They finally saw a competent marital therapist who helped the couple. Dr. Doherty says that this couple “survived two efforts at “therapist-induced marital suicide.” 

Other examples of things incompetent therapists may say:

•  “Your marriage isn’t working any more.” This is like saying my car isn’t working anymore and it’s not worth repairing.
•  “Maybe it’s time to move on.” That’s what we say about a job. 
•  “You deserve better.” Friends, not just therapists will say this about a marriage. 
• One therapist refers to “starter marriage.” Starter marriage? We refer to a starter home? It’s a little home you plan to leave!                     

Dr. Doherty suggests that “this kind of language represents the invasion of a consumer ethic into marriage in addition to focus on individual fulfillment and satisfaction.” He encourages couples to take marital education classes and I would agree with him. I have seen more change happening in couples marriages through marriage education than through counseling though some couples need both.  Locally, I’ve been involved with The Third Option group for married couples.  I recommend you and your wife find a Third Option group or go to Weekend to Remember. 

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3

Blessings, Dottie

 

Psycho Info: What is Marital Therapy?

Q.  I’m wondering how marital therapy works as I believe this is quite different from individual therapy. My wife and I saw a counselor for six sessions this past year and it helped us a great deal. I’m still trying to understand how and why it helped. I also wonder if we stopped too soon. We aren’t as close to each other as we were at the time we stopped treatment although our relationship is much better than when we began. What do you think?

A. You are accurate in your assumption that marriage counseling is quite different from individual counseling. In marriage counseling the “patient” is the marriage. The focus is on the relationship between the couple and the patterns and problems there, rather than on the inner conflicts or the childhood issues of each individual. The focus is on the couple and their communication patterns, their resentments or disappointments in each other and on the positive areas in their relationship. The past may be explored to give the counselor some diagnostic understanding of the couple but it is focused on only as it affects the marriage today. 

        

In marriage counseling the counselor comments actively on the issues raised, focusing on the process that is occurring between the couple. This is done in a non-blaming way, simply helping the couple see the roles they assume in their relationship. Initially, there may be a great deal of resentment or anger which needs to be dissolved. The counselor helps couples hear the underlying hurt or pain behind the anger.        

As couples talk in the safety of the counselor’s office, they gradually are able to let go of negative emotions. They begin to see their relationship in a different way. They may discover new meanings to their partner’s behavior. They may listen to each other and be able to put themselves in the other’s place for the first time. They also may share things never before revealed. All of this leads to a new level of intimacy.

Marriage counseling is not an easy or painless procedure. It takes courage and a willingness to risk opening up about painful issues. However, marriage counseling often produces dramatic, positive results in a short period of time.

At best, brief marriage counseling helps couples wipe the slate clean, heal old hurts, rediscover the many positives in their relationship, and learn to communicate clearly and openly. A method is learned but it needs to be put into practice on a daily basis after the counseling ends. 

        

Many couples who have been through successful brief marriage counseling decide to return for further help later on. Usually this is not due to a failure of the initial counseling although the couple may fear this is so. Invariably, they have reached a new snag, a new conflict, which has pulled them back into one of their past dysfunctional patterns and they are ready for further growth.

If you and your wife feel you have reached an impasse or have regressed to a state of chronic distance or if resentments are building, then a return to counseling is indicated. Working on your marriage is worth the pain and struggle. Both spouses grow through the process and the marriage grows stronger. You, your children and your extended family will benefit. Marriage counseling is worth the struggle and the cost.

Select a counselor who is trained and skilled in marriage counseling. Choose a Christian counselor if you are a Christian. The counselor’s worldview does make a difference. 

“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 NIV

Blessings, Dottie

Tags: psycho info, marriage counseling, marriage problems

Psych Info: COUNSELING AND SPIRITUAL ISSUES

 Q. My wife and I have some problems in our relationship which we need

to face. We argue a lot and don’t know how to settle disagreements. I’ve been involved in AA for several years and it has helped me stay sober. It has also done much more than that. Through AA I have come to a more meaningful understanding of my “Higher Power” - my God!

 I’ve joined a church and have found new purpose and meaning to life. My wife believes in God but she doesn’t understand my new found faith. We’ve had a few arguments over this. I’m hoping and praying we will grow together spiritually. We want to talk with a Christian counselor. We can’t afford to pay much for counseling but we don’t want to talk to a minister. Who could we talk to about these problems? What do you suggest?

A. The problems you raise are important ones. Many of us need or want counseling in relation to our spiritual questions and our spiritual growth. We feel a yearning toward God and an interest in deepening our faith. We also want to be able to share our faith with those closest to us.

         

Many of us also know we need individual or marital counseling yet we want to see a therapist who shares our faith. Talking with a therapist who has a similar world view is especially important if you want to explore spiritual issues. To do otherwise is like trying to communicate in two different languages. Some of the meaning might be understood but much would be lost in the translation.

         

This does not mean that a Christian counselor would impose their own views on clients.  As with secular therapists, the treatment is guided by the client’s needs and wishes.  However, in any therapy the counselor does have a bias. Our beliefs and opinions are transmitted often without any words.

         

Your experience with AA and your faith journey that resulted from this is a testimony to the value of that program in helping alcoholics recover. Often after sobriety is established there is need for marital counseling. Prior to that, problems were avoided or drowned in alcohol. You will need to learn to stay out of arguments with your wife - especially about spiritual issues. Arguments don’t solve anything. If you can’t control your feelings postpone talking with your wife until you are calm. 

         

Use mirroring when you do talk. Mirroring involves repeating back a summary of what you heard her say before you give your opinion. She will listen to you when she feels you understand and respect her opinions. What you do speaks louder than what you say so live your new faith. 

         

A professional counselor will help you address the issues you have raised. You will be free to explore your problems at your pace and according to your own needs. The counselor will not solve the problems for you but will help you find solutions that fit you both. In talking with the counselor you will come to a better understanding of each other and of your relationship.

         

To find a Christian counselor ask a pastor or call Christian counseling centers listed in your phone book. It is essential that you find a counselor who has a Christian worldview. There are also low cost Christian programs that can be very helpful for marriages  including The Third Option, A Weekend to Remember and Marriage Encounter.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3

Blessings, Dottie

A COUNSELOR’S VIEW OF DIVORCE

This is a talk I gave in 1991, edited some. I’m retired now but will keep this in the present tense as it was written.

A Counselor’s View of Divorce

Couples on the brink of divorce are angry, hurt, unable to communicate and in a power struggle. Some times the power struggle is a cold war, some times there has been actual violence. Sometimes one partner has had an affair. Often by the time I see them one has decided to get a divorce but is coming to counseling to satisfy their partner. Often they have walls up from years of holding onto resentment, from years of abuse or from years of miscommunication. 

I have seen the most disastrous appearing marriages turned around. I've seen couples regain hope and love and work out lasting solutions to their problems within a matter of months. Naturally I've also seen many who have not done this. When both are committed to making the marriage work, I believe, with adequate counseling they can do so.

When I see couples I attempt to:

1. Give them hope that things can work out. I do this by getting them to focus on the times in their courtship or early marriage when they were in love, to remember those good times and the love they began with. I also focus on what they like about each other now and what each wants the other to do now or in the future that would show they care. If couples are actively hating each other I may comment on the fact that hate is a connection and that the opposite of love is indifference. Also, if they feel no love for the other - I may wonder if they can or do love the other person's soul.

2. I focus on the fact that they're both responsible for the problems but no one need be "blamed". They didn't intend for things to end up this way.

3. I educate them about the fact that virtually all marriages reach the power struggle stage and that marriage takes work and commitment. They work very hard on careers and on raising children but often coast regarding marriage.They need to put as much effort into the marriage as they do into careers or child rearing.

4. I work on helping them let go of resentments, forgive each other, improve communication and change their current relationship.

5. The root cause of dysfunctional marriages is often dysfunctional childhood development. Many couples need to work through issues from their families of origin. I do this in the context of marital therapy as I believe this helps them better understand each other and learn to nurture and accept each other - to accept even the childish parts.

Other guidelines:

1. Moving out of the home during the crisis is more apt to result in divorce than to reconciliation. Moving out may also lead to the continuation of an affair.

2. When one person has been involved in an affair the injured partner may become obsessed with the affair. The focus needs to shift off the affair to the meaning behind it and to solutions. The injured partner may want to know all the details. This will only feed the imagination and be difficult to forget. The injured party does have a right to know who, when, where, and in general what happened, how long it lasted and whether it has ended. They also have a right to know about a pregnancy or any sexually transmitted diseases.

3. I recommend couples tell as few people as possible about their problems. Family members mean well but they unwittingly take sides and this complicates forgiveness and reconciliation and encourages continued conflict.

4. It takes a year or more to fully recover from an affair if both partners actively work on it together in counseling.

My comments today: Divorce is devastating to the couple and to extended family members as well as to children, even adult children. The aftermath of divorce is as painful as most marital problems. They will go through a year or two of grieving the loss of the marriage. Divorce is not an easy way out.

If you decide to work on your marriage choose a Christian counselor experienced in marriage counseling who will share your determination to resolve the problems. Groups such as the Third Option, Marriage Encounter and A Weekend to Remember are very helpful and work well along with counseling. An active faith in God, praying and worshipping together will also help solidify your marriage.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in God through Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

MARRIAGE COUNSELING CAN BE HAZARDOUS, Part 2

In a prior blog post I wrote about two experiences with marriage counseling in which couples were encouraged to separate when they both wanted to learn how to solve their marital conflicts. I cited an article by Dr. William J. Doherty titled, “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous To Your Marital Health.” Today’s post is a summary of four ways he believes counselors undermine marital commitment. 

         

1. Therapists who are incompetent in marital therapy. Many therapists have no training in working with couples. They are trained in individual therapy in which they listen in a laid back manner, are empathic and clarifying. Clients feel heard and learn to think through concerns and plans. This approach works well with individuals but not in marital therapy. A married couple who are in conflict need structure and guidance. Their conflicts will overwhelm a passive counselor or one who doesn’t know how to focus on the patterns of interaction. The counselor will often decide the problem is due to individual pathology and suggest individual counseling for each person.   

         

Incompetent therapists also will take sides and “beat up” on one of the partners.  This frequently happens with men who aren’t in touch with their feelings “they just want to save their marriage.” Again, the counselor and wife decide they each need individual help. 

         

2. Therapists who are neutral about the marriage. A neutral therapist will ask questions like “What are the pros and cons of staying versus leaving?” When someone is thinking of getting out of a marriage they use the language of individual self-interest, not the language of moral commitment. Neutrality undermines the marital commitment couples have made to each other.           

         

3. Therapists who focus on pathology. One party in the marriage may go for help and the counselor, hearing complaints about the spouse will label the spouse, sight unseen, as “narcissistic” or “very dependent.” This shatters hope. Some therapists even pathologize the reason a couple married suggesting the marriage was a mistake from the beginning. Someone determined to work things out after their spouse has an affair can even be pathologized for their loyalty. A new pathology, Doherty says is ascribed to those who are “bored” with their marriage. 

         

4. Therapists who overtly undermine the marriage. “If you’re not happy, why do you stay?” or “I can’t believe you’re still married.” This suggests to the couple that they are basically incompatible and there’s no way to help them. Undermining also occurs by direct advice. For example: “I think you should separate” or “For your own health you need to move out.”

         

Competent marital therapists have studied Marriage and Family Therapy where they learned how “systems” (groups of people such as couples and families) operate and they have had supervision of their work. In marital therapy the “patient” is the marriage. The main focus is on the relationship between the couple and the patterns and problems there, rather than on the inner conflicts or the childhood issues of each individual. 

Couples seeking help should ask a counselor about their training in marital therapy. Also ask about the therapist’s attitude toward saving a marriage versus helping couples break up. If they say they’re neutral, look elsewhere. You need a counselor who values the marital commitment and focuses on the marriage relationship. Counseling with a pastor or Christian counselor who firmly believes marriage is a life long commitment to each other and to God will also avoid these issues.

         

Educational programs in my opinion and in Dr. Doherty’s opinion are often more helpful than marital counseling – especially Christian programs. I recommend you join The Third Option, Marriage Encounter or Weekend to Remember. These programs will help you understand your differences and how to change things. The most difficult issues can usually be worked out if both partners are committed to the marriage.

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

MARRIAGE COUNSELING CAN BE HAZARDOUS

Q. My wife and I saw two different marriage counselors and neither one helped our marriage. One counselor wondered why my wife stayed with me since she was so unhappy. Another counselor saw us separately and told me maybe we should separate. 

We don’t want to separate or divorce. We want to learn how to solve our marital conflicts. Marriage counseling almost tore us apart. Does marriage counseling ever help? What will help us?

A. I was a marriage counselor for over thirty years and I’ve heard many similar stories. Unfortunately not all marriage counselors are trained to help couples change their interactions with each other. Also, not all marriage counselors view marriage as a life long commitment made before God, family and friends.  

         

Some therapists, as well as our society, think that marriage should “make us happy.” They don't understand that all marriages have some low points and all marriages take work. Most couples can identify some positives in their relationship and don’t want to break up their marriage. They just don’t know how to fix it. 

         

William J. Doherty, Ph.D., gave a presentation called “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous To Your Marital Health.” He is appalled, as I am, at what some counselors tell couples. He describes one couple who saw a therapist together. The wife was clinically depressed and medication was begun. In a later individual session with the wife the therapist told her she wouldn’t recover from her depression until she “trusted her feelings” and separated from her husband. The wife protested saying she loved her husband and was committed to him. The wife was stunned and didn’t return to the counselor.

         

Next she talked to her priest. He urged her to wait and see whether the depression was causing the marital problems or the martial problems were causing her depression. If things improved with the medication then all was well. Then he told her if it didn’t work out he would help her get an annulment! Again, she was stunned.

They finally saw a competent marital therapist who helped the couple. Dr. Doherty says that this couple “survived two efforts at....therapist-induced marital suicide.” Other examples are:

•  “Your marriage isn’t working any more.” This is like saying my car isn’t working anymore and it’s not worth repairing.
•  “Maybe it’s time to move on.” That’s what we say about a job. 
• “You deserve better.” Friends, not just therapists will say this about a marriage. This infers that you have nothing to do with the problems. 
• One therapist refers to “starter marriage.” Starter marriage? We refer to a starter home? It’s a little home you plan to leave!                  

Dr. Doherty suggests that “this kind of language represents the invasion of a consumer ethic into marriage in addition to focus on individual fulfillment and satisfaction.” He encourages couples to take marital education classes and I would agree with him. I have seen more change happening in couples marriages through marriage education than through counseling though some couples need both. 

I recommend you and your wife join The Third Option, Marriage Encounter or Weekend to Remember. For information on other marriage building programs see www.smartmarriages.com. 

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3 NIV

Blessings, Dottie