STYLES OF LOVING

Q.  My husband and I have been married for twenty years. We get along well with each other most of the time.  However, I often am disappointed in my husband’s lack of affection. He doesn’t like to say “I love you.” He also “forgets” to buy me a valentine or to remember my birthday. He says he shows me love by earning a living. I know I can’t change him but I’m hungry for more words of love from him.  What do you suggest?

A. All of us need to both give and receive love. Some of us deny this need by acting self-sufficient, distant or aloof. But the need is there. There are a number of styles of loving which we use without thought; ways in which we express love to our husband or wife. We learn some of these styles of loving in childhood. They are the ways we have been shown love. We may also long for some expression of love that we never received as a child. 

In marriage there are often misunderstandings about our styles of loving. We grow up in different families and learn different ways to show love. Most of us have one or two love languages that we prefer. The trick is to learn what our partner’s styles of loving are and then meet his or her needs by giving in these ways.

Here are some of the love languages we use:

1. Affirming words. When we speak kind words to our mate we’re showing love. Notice moods or concerns and comment with empathy about whatever your partner is going through. Affirming words also include giving compliments, expressing our appreciation and praising the person for what truly pleases us about them. Be specific and positive when giving affirmations and don’t tack on anything negative or the affirmation will be lost.

2. Spending time together. How often do we give our partner our undivided attention? This is difficult in today’s fast paced world but it is essential in order to really connect and show love. Turning off the TV for fifteen minutes each evening, can make a difference. Talk about you inner hopes, dreams and fears. Sharing from the heart connects us. We also feel loved when we are involved in an activity together and when we go out on a “date” or get away overnight together.

3. Giving and receiving gifts. Love is also expressed by giving gifts. Special dates which are remembered with a gift can touch us deeply. Spontaneous small gifts for no reason also are meaningful.

4. Serving each other. When we volunteer to help our partner with a difficult project or a needed errand, we’re showing our love. Helping with routine chores also says love. Flexibility in this is helpful. For example, we can occasionally do a chore our partner usually does as a surprise or because we know they’re unusually busy. 

5. Affectionate touch. Physical expressions of love including holding hands, hugging, kissing, pats on the back, cuddling and sex are essential to our health and well being and they mean love. Take time to touch every day.

Most of us have one or two styles of loving that we prefer. Show your husband this blog post and ask him which are his favorite ways to be shown love. Then tell him what your favorites are. Most of us show love to our partner in the ways we need to be shown love. Broaden your styles of showing him love and he may do the same. Women often have to lead the way in teaching men about close relationships. The happiest marriages include all five styles of loving.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3a

Blessings, Dottie                                                       

PSYCHO INFO: MARRIAGE COUNSELING CAN BE HAZARDOUS

Q. My wife and I saw two different marriage counselors and neither one was helpful to our marriage.  One counselor wondered why my wife stayed with me since she was so unhappy. Another counselor saw us separately and told me that maybe we should separate. We don’t want to separate or divorce.  We just want to learn how to solve our marital conflicts. Marriage counseling almost tore us apart. Does marriage counseling ever help? What will help us?

A. I was a marriage counselor for over thirty years and I’ve heard many similar stories. Unfortunately not all marriage counselors are trained to help couples change the way they interact with each other. Also, not all marriage counselors view marriage as a life-long commitment which most of us make before God, family and friends.  

          

Some therapists as well as our society, think that marriage should “make us happy” not understanding that all marriages have some low points and all marriages take work. Most couples can identify some positives in their relationship and don’t want to break up their marriage. They just don’t know how to fix it. 

William J. Doherty, Ph.D. gave a presentation called “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous To Your Marital Health.” He is appalled, as I am, at what some counselors tell couples. He describes one couple who saw a therapist together. The wife was clinically depressed and medication was begun. In a later individual session with the wife the therapist told her she wouldn’t recover from her depression until she “trusted her feelings” about the marriage. Then the therapist suggested a separation. The wife protested saying she loved her husband and was committed to him. The wife was stunned and didn’t return to the counselor.

Next she talked to her priest. He urged her to wait and see whether the depression was causing the marital problems or the martial problems were causing her depression. If things improved with the medication then all was well. Then he told her if it didn’t work out he would help her get an annulment!  Again, she was stunned. 

They finally saw a competent marital therapist who helped the couple. Dr. Doherty says that this couple “survived two efforts at “therapist-induced marital suicide.” 

Other examples of things incompetent therapists may say:

•  “Your marriage isn’t working any more.” This is like saying my car isn’t working anymore and it’s not worth repairing.
•  “Maybe it’s time to move on.” That’s what we say about a job. 
•  “You deserve better.” Friends, not just therapists will say this about a marriage. 
• One therapist refers to “starter marriage.” Starter marriage? We refer to a starter home? It’s a little home you plan to leave!                     

Dr. Doherty suggests that “this kind of language represents the invasion of a consumer ethic into marriage in addition to focus on individual fulfillment and satisfaction.” He encourages couples to take marital education classes and I would agree with him. I have seen more change happening in couples marriages through marriage education than through counseling though some couples need both.  Locally, I’ve been involved with The Third Option group for married couples.  I recommend you and your wife find a Third Option group or go to Weekend to Remember. 

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3

Blessings, Dottie

 

A Special Book on Marriage

Sacred Marriage

By Gary Thomas

I recently reread this is a very special book about Christian marriage published in 2000. Thomas speaks about his own marriage and offers many insights into seeking God through your marriage. He suggests marriage is a call to Holiness more than happiness.  “I have a Christian obligation to continually move toward my wife. I thought that as long as I didn’t attack my wife or say cruel things to her, I was a ‘nice’ husband, but the opposite of biblical love isn’t hate its apathy.”155 Both husband and wife must “fall forward” toward each other.

The chapters in Sacred Marriage include how marriage teaches us to love, to respect others, to persevere, to build character, to forgive, to have a servant’s heart and more. 

Chapter 11 Sexual Saints is a beautiful, thoughtful chapter about how your sexual life together can mirror your desire for God. 

Chapter 12 Sacred Presence shows us how marriage can make us more aware of God’s presence. 

Chapter 13 Sacred Mission is about how marriage can develop our spiritual calling, mission and purpose. 

Here are three of my favorite quotes from the book.

"A good marriage is not something you find, it’s something you work for." 133

"There are times I must sacrifice my ambition to succeed in God’s service so that I can be fully present and involved in the lives of my wife and children." 250

"Patience can be formed only in the crucible of frustration – making marriage, with its multitude of tasks, one of the best schools of patience there is." 252

"Give honor to marriage, and remain faiithful to one another in marriage." Hebrews 13:4 

Blessings, Dottie

WE ALL NEED VALENTINES

Q. How important is it for married couples to express romantic love to each other? My wife and I have been married for twenty years. On Valentines Day she wants me to give her a Valentine, tell her I love her and be romantic. I think she should know I love her because I go to work every day and I help around the house. I think actions like these are more important than words or cards. Also, our relationship isn’t always great so why should I do anything? What do you think?

A. Valentine’s Day has been celebrated by couples since the 14th century.  Cards, gifts, flowers, candy or a romantic evening together are traditional ways to do this. Romance enhances relationships and revives a dull or troubled marriage. 

        

You question being romantic toward your wife on Valentine’s Day and justify it because you do other things for her and your marriage isn’t always great. I have news for you. No marriage is always great. If you meet your wife’s need for romantic attention I suspect your marriage will be a great deal better. What have you got to lose? Why does this seem so difficult? Every marriage must be nourished in a variety of ways or it will die. 

        

We have been misled by movies and the media into thinking love is easy; a feeling, an emotional high. We confuse love and infatuation. Love requires commitment and work. It requires giving of oneself, abandoning our self-focus. Many marriages fail because they are not nurtured. 

If you have resentment about the fact that your relationship is “not that great” you need to communicate this to your wife. Tell her what you need from her; how she can make the relationship better for you. Your needs are important also. Everything either of you do is either building your marriage up or tearing it down. Which would you rather do?

        

Gary Smalley, in his book Love Is A Decision, cites four qualities needed in every marriage in order to nurture it. He compares a marriage to a plant and suggests these needs:

     1. Security in marriage is like sunshine to a plant. A life time loving commitment to each other enables a marriage to flourish.

     2. Meaningful communication in marriage is like water to a thirsty plant. We must share feelings, needs, hopes, dreams and be good listeners in order for our marriage to thrive.

     3. Romantic celebration experiences are like rich soil that nurtures a plant. We need to schedule, plan and carry out times of celebration together.

     4. Loving care and touch is essential even for plants. Similarly our marriage needs hugs, kisses, and cuddling on a daily basis for it to blossom.

I would also suggest the following. 

·      Put your wife first. This means she comes before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter. At times she even comes before yourself.

·      Don’t let your work or a hobby keep you from spending quality and quantity time with your wife.

·      Say, “I love you.” No matter what else you’re doing your spouse needs to hear those words often. This goes for wives as well as husbands.

·      Learn to forgive. We have all done hurtful things we needed to be forgiven for. Also, unforgiveness hurts you as well as the marriage.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Let’s express love to our wife or husband in special ways. We can also express love to family members, friends, co-workers and others. Visit a shut in. Email a friend. Send cards to those who are alone and need to know they’re loved. Say “I love you” to family and friends. We all need Valentines.

“Love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

Blessings, Dottie

A COUNSELOR’S VIEW OF DIVORCE

This is a talk I gave in 1991, edited some. I’m retired now but will keep this in the present tense as it was written.

A Counselor’s View of Divorce

Couples on the brink of divorce are angry, hurt, unable to communicate and in a power struggle. Some times the power struggle is a cold war, some times there has been actual violence. Sometimes one partner has had an affair. Often by the time I see them one has decided to get a divorce but is coming to counseling to satisfy their partner. Often they have walls up from years of holding onto resentment, from years of abuse or from years of miscommunication. 

I have seen the most disastrous appearing marriages turned around. I've seen couples regain hope and love and work out lasting solutions to their problems within a matter of months. Naturally I've also seen many who have not done this. When both are committed to making the marriage work, I believe, with adequate counseling they can do so.

When I see couples I attempt to:

1. Give them hope that things can work out. I do this by getting them to focus on the times in their courtship or early marriage when they were in love, to remember those good times and the love they began with. I also focus on what they like about each other now and what each wants the other to do now or in the future that would show they care. If couples are actively hating each other I may comment on the fact that hate is a connection and that the opposite of love is indifference. Also, if they feel no love for the other - I may wonder if they can or do love the other person's soul.

2. I focus on the fact that they're both responsible for the problems but no one need be "blamed". They didn't intend for things to end up this way.

3. I educate them about the fact that virtually all marriages reach the power struggle stage and that marriage takes work and commitment. They work very hard on careers and on raising children but often coast regarding marriage.They need to put as much effort into the marriage as they do into careers or child rearing.

4. I work on helping them let go of resentments, forgive each other, improve communication and change their current relationship.

5. The root cause of dysfunctional marriages is often dysfunctional childhood development. Many couples need to work through issues from their families of origin. I do this in the context of marital therapy as I believe this helps them better understand each other and learn to nurture and accept each other - to accept even the childish parts.

Other guidelines:

1. Moving out of the home during the crisis is more apt to result in divorce than to reconciliation. Moving out may also lead to the continuation of an affair.

2. When one person has been involved in an affair the injured partner may become obsessed with the affair. The focus needs to shift off the affair to the meaning behind it and to solutions. The injured partner may want to know all the details. This will only feed the imagination and be difficult to forget. The injured party does have a right to know who, when, where, and in general what happened, how long it lasted and whether it has ended. They also have a right to know about a pregnancy or any sexually transmitted diseases.

3. I recommend couples tell as few people as possible about their problems. Family members mean well but they unwittingly take sides and this complicates forgiveness and reconciliation and encourages continued conflict.

4. It takes a year or more to fully recover from an affair if both partners actively work on it together in counseling.

My comments today: Divorce is devastating to the couple and to extended family members as well as to children, even adult children. The aftermath of divorce is as painful as most marital problems. They will go through a year or two of grieving the loss of the marriage. Divorce is not an easy way out.

If you decide to work on your marriage choose a Christian counselor experienced in marriage counseling who will share your determination to resolve the problems. Groups such as the Third Option, Marriage Encounter and A Weekend to Remember are very helpful and work well along with counseling. An active faith in God, praying and worshipping together will also help solidify your marriage.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in God through Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Enhancing Marriage Communication

Q. My husband and I have a fairly good marriage but over the years we’ve focused largely on our careers and raising our children. We both have some disappointments about our relationship which we’ve largely ignored. I wish we could talk to each other on a more intimate level and he wants me to enjoy his hobbies with him. Now that the children are older we would like to find ways to improve our relationship. What do you suggest?

A. It’s good that you want to enhance your marriage. In the midst of child rearing and “life” many couples avoid facing the differences and difficulties between them. These minor disappointments fester beneath the surface. Later these issues surface along with bitter or frustrated feelings. Couples whose lives are necessarily focused on children and careers in the early years may find they have grown so far apart that it takes conscious effort to create a more satisfying relationship after the children are grown and gone.

         

If both partners are willing, any couple can learn to enhance their marriage to make it a more satisfying relationship; one that meets the needs and wishes of both of them. Couples can learn to overcome distance or bitterness that has crept into their relationship.

One of the most useful ways to improve communication is scaling questions. Scaling questions will help you understand what kind of a marriage you each want. Begin by asking each other the following question: “On a scale of one to ten with one being “terrible” and ten being “perfect” where do we want our relationship to be?” Then ask, “Where on this same scale is our relationship right now?” 

         

You may be surprised to find that you differ on how “perfect” you want or expect the marriage to be and on what level you view it as being right now.  Women tend to expect a more nearly “perfect” relationship and they also are more tuned into the lacks in the relationship.

Next ask each other, “What specific things could we do within the next month, together or individually, that would move our marriage up the scale?” Women can usually answer this last question more easily than men can. Listen to what your partner says he or she needs and act on these requests. This alone can make a difference in your marriage. For example, you may get more intimate conversation as you enjoy one of your husband’s hobbies with him. 

         

To further understand your marriage, answer and discuss these questions:

1. Do we need to spend more time together? How much? What is the best use of our time together? What time of day do you prefer we spend together?

2. Do we need to talk more with each other? What is meaningful communication?  What have I done in the past that ruined meaningful communication? What are some positive things I’ve done during conversations in the past?

3. Am I keeping my verbal commitments? What needs do you have that I could meet?  How can I help you?

 

4. Describe a “10” evening out together? What might I do that would ruin a “10” evening?

5. What is best about our relationship?

See Faithnotes blog post on Help for a Dull Marriage and you will learn other ways to enhance your marriage including the value of shared faith and praying together. The Faithnotes post on Smart Marriages gives information about marriage groups which are very helpful in enlivening marriage communication.

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10

Blessings, Dottie

HOW TO HAVE “SMART MARRIAGES”

Q. My marriage is miserable. We love each other but we can’t talk to each other. My wife and I argue constantly. We have been to counseling and it did no good. We’ve separated and reconciled a couple of times also. I’m ready to throw in the towel. Isn’t it better to have a good divorce than a bad marriage?

A. No it is not. There is no such thing as “a good divorce” though there may be some necessary divorces when abuse or violence are the rule. Divorce tears apart families, hurting children and extended family as well as the couple themselves.

         

Many couples as well as many in the helping professions - counselors and clergy alike, have become resigned to the idea that divorce is inevitable. This is not true. In an article in Strengthening Marriages, a newsletter from the Marriage Coalition, Judith A. Charlick, Ph.D. says, “Most people do not divorce because of a bad marriage with mental or physical abuse, alcohol or drug problems! They report that they have grown apart and can’t communicate well. Marriage skills can increase marital happiness and prevent many divorces.”

         

Similarly, in the same newsletter, the Reverend Christian Just is dismayed that many clergy often view divorce as inevitable. He says, “Not so......We can fix them! We don’t have to tell people to “stick it out” in unhappy and conflicted marriages; we can help them find the tools to make their marriages fulfilling, sustaining and joyous.” 

         

How is this possible? Diane Sollee, founder of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, says, “The idea is that love and marriage are actually skill-based propositions.” Sollee compares it to football in which we send a couple out to win with only love and commitment. “That’s like asking a football team to win on team spirit.- ‘for the Gipper’ but not teaching them any plays or signals. The basis for smart marriage is exciting new research that finds that what is different about marriages that make it - that go the distance and stay happy - are behaviors or skills.” Easy to learn skills!

         

I recommend you and your wife take a class together to learn the skills needed to make marriage work. Many churches are now offering weekly or weekend courses to help couples. One of these programs for building marriages is The Third Option.

The educational portion of The Third Option teaches couples skills necessary for a contented marriage and offers insight into the cause of problems. These are presented in an interactive way with skits, stories and demonstrations. This often gives couples a new model for understanding their relationship. They also learn that every marriage takes effort throughout life - just as any sport does.

         

A unique feature of The Third Option is the use of "Sharing Couples" who have had problems and worked things out. These couples share in a very open, vulnerable way the hurt and pain they have experienced and overcome in their own marriages. They also share the important role their faith has played in their reconciliation. Couples who come to the program do not need to talk about their problems in the group. The focus is on solutions and self-change. A number of couples say they would not be together today if it had not been for The Third Option.

I suggest you find a group where you can learn and practice communication skills. The Third Option, Marriage Encounter, and Weekend to Remember are three possible educational groups. A Christian counselor can also see you together to work on these issues. Also, read together Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas or Making Love Last Forever by Garry Smalley. Also see my blogs on Communication in Marriage.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3

Blessings, Dottie

Help for a Dull Marriage

Q. My marriage is rather dull. We care about each other but we never talk about how we feel. We also never disagree. We talk about the kids, the weather, and our jobs. I hate to say it but I'm sometimes bored when we're together. Though this isn't a big problem I'd like to know how to change things.

A. All of us long for authentic relationships in which we can be open, honest and even vulnerable. We want to share our true self with the person we love the most. We want true intimacy, but we don’t know how to achieve it. 

Often marriages reach a “ho-hum stage” after the initial idealistic "honeymoon stage.” This happens because we’re afraid to be honest. We try to avoid conflict. We want to keep the peace and please our partner. This avoidance leads to a pattern of denial, rationalization and suppression of our true feelings. It also leads to a dull, boring inauthentic relationship. We also may take each other for granted and stop showing as much love and affection as we did in the past.

         

God designed us to want open, honest, authentic relationships. We choose peace-keeping over truth-telling and taking-for-granted over showing love, so we end up in shallow or inauthentic relationships. Misunderstandings, hurt feelings, frustrations and doubts are never shared or resolved. Our marriage deteriorates under the weight of these hidden issues. We become detached, distrustful, and cut off.

         

The only way out of this inauthentic pattern is to take risks and be real. We must enter the area of our painful, secret feelings and share these. We must take the risk to tell the truth and to hear the truth. This is not an easy task for any of us.

If you are taking each other for granted and not showing much affection you may want to change this first. This can be done even in non verbal ways. Here are some ways to do this.       

•Let your eyes light up when you see each other.
•Look into your partner’s eyes.
•Listen, really listen.
•Acknowledge feelings. “That must really hurt.”
•Hold hands.
•Give hugs and say “I love you.”
•Give compliments. “You look nice today.”
•Give appreciation. “Thanks for taking out the trash.”
•Smile and enjoy each other.

As for being open and honest in sharing hurts or differences plan with your husband to meet together for an hour a week. Set aside a specific time. Each week talk about how the week has been. Tell each other thoughts you haven’t shared about mundane details of your life or about things that troubled you that week. Since you are both fight avoiders even when sharing something you disagree about you will do so peacefully.   Be open to hearing what your partner tells you. Be slow to react and don’t rush to deny, rationalize or disagree.

A weekly meeting gives a format for talking over large and small issues. Keep a list of what was talked about and go over these the next time.

One of the most helpful things a couple can do to deepen their relationship is to pray together every day. Praying together bonds us with each other and with God. A prayerful connection opens our hearts to Him and to each other in a new and almost magical way. If you’ve never prayed together begin with sentence prayers and progress to a time of prayer together when both of you pray. Some couples start their day with prayer and some end their day this way. Do what works for you but take risks and gain the rewards of knowing God and each other better. Praying together is an intimate, authentic experience. It heals and grows us. When we mover closer to God we also move closer to each other. 

         

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

AVOIDING INTIMACY

Q. My first marriage ended because we drifted apart. Now my second wife is turning away from me. She hasn’t said anything but she’s always busy and we don’t have the fun or companionship we had during the first two years of our marriage. What causes a couple to drift apart and become distant?   

A.  Marriage is an intimate relationship. In order for a marriage to work couples need to connect with each other in a deeper way than they do in most other relationships. They need to get below the surface of superficial small talk and be open with each other. Couples who drift apart do so because they find many ways to avoid intimacy. Below is a list of some of the ways we avoid intimacy.

1. Don’t talk. This is the most basic rule for avoiding closeness. If you must talk, don’t talk about anything important. Talk about the weather or sports.

         

2. Don’t show your feelings. If you express any sadness, happiness, irritation or caring you’re revealing your inner self. If you show no feelings you will give a clear message that you don’t want to be intimate.

         

3. Keep smiling, especially if something is bothering you. Hide all negative feelings from your partner. This way your partner will believe that everything is okay in your relationship and you won’t have to be intimate.

         

4. Keep busy. Work long hours so you can avoid spending time with your partner.  Always have chores or activities you need to do so there’s no time for the two of you to spend together. This will give your spouse the message that he or she is not as important to you as your work or other interests and will definitely help you avoid intimacy. 

         

5. Always be right. Never admit you’re wrong. If you admit you’re wrong you will be at risk of admitting you’re human. This also could lead to you admitting your partner is right and that his or her viewpoint needs to be considered. Before you know it you’ll be on verge of being intimate.

6. Don’t disagree. If you disagree you may discover you and your partner are different. This may lead to you talking about the differences and having to make adjustments. As a result you may have to tell your partner who you really are and what you really feel. This could lead to intimacy.

7. Don’t tell your partner what you want. Make your partner guess what you want.  Then when your partner guesses wrong you can tell your partner they don’t understand you or love you or they would know what you want without asking.  This will prevent intimacy and also drive your partner crazy.

         

8. Look out for yourself. Think of yourself as number one. Do whatever you feel like doing without consulting your partner. Think of yourself as okay and your partner as not okay. 

9. Keep the television turned on. Keep the TV on during meals and while you’re talking. Watching TV will prevent you and your partner from talking to each other.  It will also keep you from noticing that you don’t communicate. 

         

10. Avoid all show of affection. Don’t give hugs, kisses, say “I love you.” Don’t show any appreciation or give any praise to your partner. Keep sex as matter of fact and quick as possible.

         

To have a closer marriage, do the opposite of these ten ways to avoid intimacy. If you grew up in a family that avoided connecting, these changes may feel risky.  Make small changes and keep working on it over a period of time. 

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3

Blessings, Dottie

FALLING FORWARD IN MARRIAGE

Q. I know my husband loves me and we’re committed to each other but we go through times of intense conflict and times of distance from each other. Then we wonder if the struggle is worth it and whether we really are meant for each other.  What’s going on? How can we change these patterns? 

A.  All couples face obstacles, angry flare ups and apathetic periods in their marriage from time to time. When these problems occur we often pull back and become distant or even have thoughts of giving up. We fall away from our spouse. Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage says the solution to these problems is to do the opposite of what comes naturally - we need to fall forward.  “Falls are inevitable. We can’t control that, but we can control the direction in which we fall - toward or away from our spouse.” 

         

Thomas goes on to say, “It took years for me to understand I have a Christian obligation to continually move toward my wife. I thought that as long as I didn’t attack my wife or say cruel things to her, I was a ‘nice’ husband, but the opposite of biblical love isn’t hate, its apathy. To stop moving toward our spouse is to stop loving him or her. It’s holding back from the very purpose of marriage.”

         

To learn to fall forward toward our spouse we must learn three things: 

1. We must learn not to run from conflict. Our natural tendency is to run away from disagreement. We can do this in other relationships more easily than we can in marriage. We can look for another job, another friend, another church. But our marital vows challenge us, or even force us, to work through the problem, to reach a solution. Thomas says that “conflict provides an avenue for spiritual growth. To resolve conflict, by definition we must become more engaged, not less. Just when we want to ‘tell the other person off’ we are forced to be quiet and listen to their complaint. Just when we are most eager to make ourselves understood, we must strive to understand...”

         

2. We must learn to compromise. This is not a dirty word, as society would lead us to believe. In order for a relationship to continue and grow some compromises must occur. Every relationship involves compromise in some way. When we’re willing to give some ground we prove our love; we prove how important the relationship is to us. We fall forward.

         

3. We must learn acceptance and loyalty. The very differences which attracted us to each other sooner or later cause conflict or hurt.  For example, you were attracted to his kindness before you married. Now you see him as too giving. Or you enjoyed her as fun loving before marriage but now you wish she would be serious. Life would be easier we think if he or she would be just like me. The challenge is to let go of our idealized image of a husband or wife and learn to love the person we married, an imperfect, flawed human being. We fall forward.

         

Learning to face conflict, learning to compromise and learning acceptance teaches us how to love and how to forgive. This is what falling forward is all about. We don’t let pain or apathy keep us from moving toward each other.

         

To learn more about how to put these lessons into practice join a couples educational group, The Third Option, Marriage Encounter or Weekend to Remember. I also recommend you read Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.

“Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

MARRIAGE MORPHING

Q.  My marriage has been unhappy for many years. My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on any topic and now we barely communicate. My husband wants us to see a counselor or take a communication course. If I thought we could make the marriage better I would see some point to doing this but I don’t believe people or marriages can really change. What do you and other experts say?

A. We can change ourselves and our relationships more than we think we can. Some years ago six year old boys were obsessed with “Morphing Power Rangers” who were able to “morph” into heroes, transformed by new abilities to do amazing things. Since then the word “morph” has become part of our vocabulary. The root for the term “morph” comes from the process of metamorphosis which is used in describing the transformation that occurs when a caterpillar “morphs” into a butterfly. What a dramatic change!

John Ortberg, in his book, The Life You’ve Always Wanted, says “It’s not just six year old boys who want to morph. The desire for transformation lies deep in every human heart. This is why people enter therapy, join health clubs, get into recovery groups, read self-help books, attend motivational seminars, and make New Year’s resolutions. The possibility of transformation is the essence of hope.” 

   

Not only do we have the desire to change many of us succeed at it. It’s not just butterflies who are capable of “morphing.” Many of us avoid change, fear change and are more comfortable staying as we are. But we are all capable of change. We may not be able to change as completely as the caterpillar does but we can change our thinking, our habits, our actions, our attitudes, our knowledge and skills, and our reactions to others. 

   

We avoid change because it takes work and its strange territory. Change means doing something out of our comfort zone. It means taking a risk. In a marriage it means opening up and sharing inner pain. It means learning to forgive and forget past hurts. It means learning to listen to each other and understand a different point of view. 

   

Marriages can change when only one person begins to change. When both work together on change they can reinvent their marriage and make it as different as a caterpillar is to a butterfly. I have seen this happen over and over.

We are conditioned by our past experiences, especially early childhood experiences. These limitations are often due to our thoughts and beliefs about our past, rather than to reality. In other words we don’t have to remain bound by our past. Psychologist Aaron Beck says that “the single belief most toxic to a relationship is the belief that the other person cannot change.” We also don’t realize the powerful difference even a small change in our own attitudes or actions can make. 

The Christian faith, when taken seriously, can also transform you and your relationships. Seek to know God and be active in a vital church. Change is not easy, but with the help of a mighty God change can amaze you.

A Christian counselor can help you and your husband break through power struggles or impasses causing difficulties. I also urge you to join The Third Option, A Weekend to Remember or Marriage Encounter. These Christian marriage groups teach couples how to understand each other and make positive changes in their relationship.

   

Take a chance and begin “morphing” your marriage. 

“Don’t copy the customs and behavior of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” Romans 12:2 NLT

Blessings, Dottie