Q. My husband and I have been
married for twenty years. We get along well with each other most of the time. However, I often am disappointed in my
husband’s lack of affection. He doesn’t like to say “I love you.” He also
“forgets” to buy me a valentine or to remember my birthday. He says he shows me
love by earning a living. I know I can’t change him but I’m hungry for more
words of love from him. What do you
suggest?
A. All of us need to
both give and receive love. Some of us deny this need by acting self-sufficient,
distant or aloof. But the need is there. There are a number of styles of loving
which we use without thought; ways in which we express love to our husband or
wife. We learn some of these styles of loving in childhood. They are the ways
we have been shown love. We may also long for some expression of love that we
never received as a child.
In marriage there are
often misunderstandings about our styles of loving. We grow up in different
families and learn different ways to show love. Most of us have one or two love
languages that we prefer. The trick is to learn what our partner’s styles of
loving are and then meet his or her needs by giving in these ways.
Here are some of the
love languages we use:
1. Affirming words. When
we speak kind words to our mate we’re showing love. Notice moods or concerns
and comment with empathy about whatever your partner is going through. Affirming
words also include giving compliments, expressing our appreciation and praising
the person for what truly pleases us about them. Be specific and positive when
giving affirmations and don’t tack on anything negative or the affirmation will
be lost.
2. Spending time
together. How often do we give our partner our undivided attention? This is
difficult in today’s fast paced world but it is essential in order to really
connect and show love. Turning off the TV for fifteen minutes each evening, can
make a difference. Talk about you inner hopes, dreams and fears. Sharing from
the heart connects us. We also feel loved when we are involved in an activity
together and when we go out on a “date” or get away overnight together.
3. Giving and
receiving gifts. Love is also expressed by giving gifts. Special dates which
are remembered with a gift can touch us deeply. Spontaneous small gifts for no
reason also are meaningful.
4. Serving each
other. When we volunteer to help our partner with a difficult project or a
needed errand, we’re showing our love. Helping with routine chores also says
love. Flexibility in this is helpful. For example, we can occasionally do a
chore our partner usually does as a surprise or because we know they’re
unusually busy.
5. Affectionate
touch. Physical expressions of love including holding hands, hugging, kissing,
pats on the back, cuddling and sex are essential to our health and well being
and they mean love. Take time to touch every day.
Most of us have one
or two styles of loving that we prefer. Show your husband this blog post and
ask him which are his favorite ways to be shown love. Then tell him what your
favorites are. Most of us show love to our partner in the ways we need to be
shown love. Broaden your styles of showing him love and he may do the same. Women
often have to lead the way in teaching men about close relationships. The
happiest marriages include all five styles of loving.
“Let
love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3a
Blessings,
Dottie
