Overcoming the Winter Doldrums

Q. I dread winter. I hate driving to work in the dark and driving home in the dark. I hate being cooped up inside most evenings and weekends because it’s too cold or snowy or icy to go out. I become bored and depressed every year around the first of January. 

       

My husband and children don’t seem to mind being cooped up. They stretch out in front of the TV for entire weekends.  We can’t move to a warmer climate because our jobs and families are here. What can I do to make the winter bearable for me?

A. For most of us there is a post-holiday let down that often coincides with very wintry weather. The cold, dark days of winter are difficult for most of us. There are a number of things you can do that will help you find some enjoyment in the winter months.

1. Spend a week thinking about what you do like or enjoy about winter. Make a list and add to it as you think of things. For instance, my list would include taking brisk walks, time to relax and do nothing, the warmth of a fire in the fireplace, and the beauty of new fallen snow.

2. Once you have made your list keep it where you will see it often and focus your mind on these things whenever a negative thought about the winter creeps in and begins to depress you. Some of your depression regarding winter is due to your negative thinking about it.

       

3. What are your goals in life? What is your purpose? If you know the answers to these questions you can find things to do to move you toward your goals - even in the winter.

       

4. Use the winter months to accomplish some of the things you usually put off doing. Clean closets, put pictures in photo albums, write letters, cook special meals, play with your children letting them suggest the game or activity, invite friends over for soup and sandwiches.

       

5. Think of fun things you can do at home with your husband or family. Rent a funny movie, play board games or card games, make taffy or fudge, cuddle with your husband while he watches football.

6. Don’t be stuck in the house every evening and all weekend even if your husband and family like it that way. Find places to go. There are inexpensive or free activities many places. You can take a class that interests you. You can visit a museum. You can volunteer to help someone in need. You can be active in a church.

7. Find some alone activities that you enjoy and do them when the rest of the family is lounging by the TV. You can knit, crochet or work on crafts. You can read a good book. You can exercise indoors.

       

8. Learn to enjoy winter sports. Ice skating, sledding and skiing are available during some of our winters. When it snows, get out and build a snowman in your yard!

       

9. Do something different. This is one of the best ways to overcome boredom and depression. It sounds too simple to be true but it works. We tend to be stuck in routines of behavior that are repetitious and not spontaneous. When we do something different we step out of our rut. 

       

I hope these ideas will help you enjoy your winter. 

“Consider it all joy, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.” James 1:2-3

Blessings, Dottie

BEST BOOKS READ IN 2018

Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption

By Bryan Stevenson                                                   

Just Mercy is a sobering account of a multitude of injustices done against many blacks and poor people by the criminal justice system in the United States. Caution: This book will make you cry and will make you very sad. Yet we need to know about this and do what we can to help correct the many problems. Bryan Stevenson, a lawyer, has built a non-profit organization to represent people wrongfully imprisoned. He has worked tirelessly for decades and has managed to save hundreds from life in prison. The most unbelievable injustice includes children as young as thirteen being put in solitary confinement for life! Stevenson’s writes with warmth, kindness and intense emotion. This is a powerful book.

God and the Transgender Debate: What Does the Bible Actually Say About Gender Identity?

By Andrew T. Walker

God and the Transgender Debate is a ground breaking book! Andrew Walker lovingly and thoughtfully describes the issues, problems and caring solutions for helping people struggling with gender identity. He spells out the fact that we must love every person as Jesus did. We must listen to them to understand their struggle. We must accept them and learn from them. We must also help them understand that we are all sinners, we are all created in the image of God, and we are all created as either male or female.

Should feelings about who I am trump what my body says about who I am? Walker tells about a white man in his thirties who interviews college students and asks them what they would say if he said he is woman? What if he said he was Chinese? What if he said he was seven years old and wanted to enroll in first grade? What would they say if he said he was 6 ft 5” tall? (10 inches taller than his actual height.) None of the students would say he was wrong. They said it was OK for him to view himself as very tall, or Chinese, or a woman.

Walker gives a wealth of information. A chapter on how to talk with children about this issue is excellent, loving and helpful. He also has a chapter in which he answers questions and a chapter on how the church must lovingly deal with this issue. I hope many will read this book and learn from it. I hope parents with children facing this culture in their schools will read this book. Walker offers valuable information and insights along with loving kindness, grace and truth. Here’s the link for You Tube “College Kids Say the Darndest Things.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4S0gHlKiho

Little Soldiers: An American Boy, a Chinese School, and the Global Race to Achieve

By Lenora Chu                                                                                

Little Soldiers is an excellent, detailed book about the educational system in China. Lenora Chu, an American journalist and her husband move to Shanghai to live. Chu’s parents had emigrated from China and she was an American citizen born and raised in Texas. Her husband was a blond American with Norwegian roots. He worked in China with the Peace Corp for some years as a young man and was eager to return there. They settled in Shanghai both with jobs there. When their son, Rainey, was three they enrolled him in a Chinese school. Rainey was a rambunctious toddler. The school was very authoritarian. Toddlers were held captive in small chairs and punished or even banished if they didn’t obey every order.

Chu writes in depth about their experiences with Rainey and how he adapted. Chu had many misgivings and uncertainties about continuing Rainey in the system. Over a period of several years she details their journey and she goes on a quest to understand the effects of a Chinese education on children. She befriends Chinese students in their teens and in college who share their ideas about education. She visits Chinese schools out in the country where poverty and poor teaching prevail.

She describes the extreme pressure on the children and on their parents regarding home work and testing. This becomes more extreme as they approach the higher grades. She ultimately decides that the early years of Chinese education with memorization, high expectations and very hard work produces more intelligent children who then can reason effectively and still be creative in what they do.

This is an excellent and thorough exploration of the Chinese educational system. Parents, grandparents, educators and all who value learning should read this and be informed. Hopefully the information here will influence the American schools to expect more from young children.          

          

Educated: A Memoir

By Tara Westover

Educated is an amazing memoir of the author’s life growing up with an abusive, disturbed, fanatic father and a disturbed brother. She is the youngest of seven children, five of them boys. She grew up in the mountains of Idaho and received no formal schooling.The family avoided all medical treatment, using natural remedies even for serious injuries. The book is disturbing, going from one accident or injury to another. The family dynamics are shocking and unbelievable. 

Tara, tough and strong, worked with the men and boys through her childhood as well as with her mother concocting various health remedies or learning to be a midwife. When seventeen she left the family against her father’s will and enrolled at Brigham Young University. This transition was not easy. Nor was it easy for her to come to terms with her past. She has a list of degrees including a PhD in history from Cambridge. As an adult she struggled with how to stay connected to her family without being sucked back into the morass.

I couldn’t put this book down. I read it in two days. This book is disturbing. It is also a New York Times best seller.

Blessings, Dottie

FAMILY RECONCILIATION AT CHRISTMAS

 Q. I'm 18 years old and a senior in high school. My older sister got married last summer. Dad refused to go to her wedding because he didn’t approve of her fiancé. My sister was very hurt by this and everyone was upset. My Dad and my sister still aren't talking. My sister doesn’t come over to the house any more so I never see her. When I call her to talk to her my Dad accuses me of siding with my sister. I’m sad and upset about this and wish my family wasn’t so divided. At Thanksgiving my sister went to her husband's family for dinner. I'm worried now about what will happen at Christmas. I'm not sure they will ever make up. My Dad's sister hasn't spoken to their Dad for about 20 years. ? What can I do to help?

 A, Alienation between two members of a family creates heartbreak, tension and un happinessfor every one. Often family alienation occurs around special occasions, especially around "rites of passage" such as weddings and funerals. These are emotion packed occasions. Alienation is a detouring of the emotions, almost like a short circuit. It protects the persons involved from overwhelming emotions just as a circuit breaker stops an overload of electricity from doing damage. 

In your father's and sister's case, they probably both had overwhelming feelings about no longer being intimately involved as father and daughter. It’s interesting that there is long lasting alienation going on in your father's family. This type of “cut off” often runs in families. There may have been alienation in his family going back for many generations. The circumstances of the alienation in previous generations may even be similar as each generation learns from the previous one and tries to resolve the same emotional difficulties in familiar ways. 

Often family alienation can be resolved if one person will make the attempt to do so. The person reaching out may have to do so more than once, however, in order to break through the emotional barrier set up by months or years of hurt and angry silence. When a family estrangement has continued for a long period of time, counseling may be necessary in order to resolve it. The hard work of family therapy can stop the repetition of bitter divisions carried on from one generation to another. 

Here’s what you can do: Enlist the rest of the family to convince your Dad and your sister to make up. Perhaps the family member closest to each one can talk individually with each of them or you can hold a family meeting with each one. Give the two injured parties time to express their feelings. Listen without arguing. When they have finished, ask them to listen to you. Then tell them how you feel about the alienation, how it is affecting you. Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements (which sound blaming) – such as the one you used “I’m sad and upset and wish my family wasn’t divided.” 

Find out what they want from the other person in order to reconcile and then share this to the other person. Let each one know of any softening on the part of the other. Remind them that Christmas is about love and therefore a great time to forgive. Tell them forgiveness does not mean the other person hasn’t hurt them. Forgiveness means letting go of my desire to hurt the other person for hurting me. 

Readers: Is there someone you need to forgive and reconcile with this Christmas?  Don’t let pride or stubbornness keep you from forgiveness and love. 

“Be kind to each other. Tenderhearted forgiving one another, just as God through Christ Jesus has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32 

Blessings, Dottie

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A CARING FATHER

 Q.  My father worked long hours to support the family. As a result he was never able to spend much time with his children. I’ve repeated his pattern - I focus most of my energies on my work. I thought my wife and children understood I was working for them. 

Recently my eight year old son talked back to me. This surprised and upset me. When we both calmed down he told me he dislikes my being away so much and he doesn’t believe I really care about him. I'm afraid the two younger kids may feel the same way. I have to work. What can I do to convince my kids I care?

A. Men are often torn between their work and their families. They are taught to assume the major responsibility for supporting their family financially and they are often not taught the importance of their role as a parent.

It’s good that you’re now aware that your children need to spend time with you and need to know you love them. You have learned this soon enough to do something about it. One of the great regrets men often have in their fifties is that they never got to know their children.

At a men’s conference, Patrick Morley, author of The Man in the Mirror, asked the men present whose pictures they carry in their wallets. The men proudly showed pictures of their children and their wife. He then noted that none of them carried a picture of their employer. Similarly, Lee Iacocca has said that no one on their death bed ever wishes they had spent more time at work. Morley suggests that men make a list of the top five ways they use their time. Then make a list of your most important relationships. Then compare them. He wonders if the ways we spend our time are related to the most important people in our life.

We all no doubt spend the largest block of time with our work and with our family. And this is as it should be. However, which is our first priority? We often make our work number one, even taking work home with us. We compartmentalize our families when we should compartmentalize our work. Think of ways you can reverse this. 

    

Patrick Morley says that a child’s greatest need is to have their father’s encouragement. Here are some things you that will encourage your children and help you connect with them. 

    

1. Spend time with them. Time means love to a child. Listen to them, play with them, have fun with them, take them places. 

    

2. Encourage them with words of love and appreciation often. Say “I love you.” Say, “I’m proud of you,” and be specific about what you are proud of. Give much more praise and affirmation than criticism or correction.

    

3.  Be affectionate. Give hugs, kisses, pats on the back. Hold them on your lap. Read to them as they sit close to you. 

    

4. Set loving limits but don’t set too many rules. Don’t pressure them with expectations they can’t meet. Don’t pressure them to perform. Too much structure discourages children. Give grace. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Remember they’re still learning. See things from the child’s point of view.

    

5. Pray with them and pray for them. A bed time ritual of saying prayers together can bond you together.

    

This Father’s day, as we honor our Dads let’s give them time, attention, affirmations and affection. Dads in our society often think they’re only valued as the economic support of the family. Let’s let them know how loved and important they are to us.

“May the Lord bless you more and more, both you and your children.” Psalm 115.14

Blessings, Dottie

More Risk Taking

For two weeks now I’ve explored thoughts about couples and families who live life on the surface, never really connecting with each other. Last week I suggested asking each other about childhood memories and having fun learning more about the past experiences of loved ones. Today I’ll offer some more topics to deepen relationships.

Some couples find it difficult to communicate about their relationship. When this seems risky, go slowly and keep it positive. Speak about your own thoughts and feelings with sentences that begin with “I think or I feel…” rather than “You think, or you…anything.” When a question or sentence starts with “you” it’s apt to sound blaming or critical to the other person.

Here are some positive ways to begin. Describe the happiest day of your marriage. Tell which vacation was the best one and why. If there’s mutual agreement about having discussions of this kind you can both answer questions such as these: What surprised each of you the most about marriage? About being a parent? About each other? What do you like best about each other? Give positive answers. This is not a time to criticize.

Bring up topics about your future also. What are your hopes, dreams and ambitions? What are your career goals? What do you each hope to be doing five years from now? Ten years from how? What kind of retirement do you hope to have? During all of these discussions be a good listener and be positive in responding to each other. This will encourage further communication.

Next week I’ll continue with an almost magic key to deepening relationships.

A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. Proverbs 16:23

Blessings, Dottie

Meet My Journal

A friend wondered about the picture on your right. Meet one of my favorite journals. It’s covered with roses with an ordinary pen laying on it. I used this picture because my blog is a written blog (as opposed to an art blog, or a photo blog). I’m conveying this in a visual way with my journal and pen picture.

I’m a writer. I have been journaling – or writing a diary – or writing things down much of my life. It pays off in many ways. For instance, the list in my last blog, Pet Tales, was jotted down when I had three very active children and little free time. I wish I’d written more back then. Little children grow so fast and our memories are fleeting. Unless we write down the surprising things they say, the significant events, and our inspired or mundane thoughts, they’re lost. Mothers of young children, take note.

There are many ways to journal and anyone can do it. It’s best to write in a notebook or journal so you can refer back to it. It’s best to write at least once a week. I do this now, but there have been years when I wrote for a few days or weeks and then no more. Don’t worry about the rules; do what works for you.

An easy way to get started with journaling is to make lists. This works well if you’re always on the run. One of the most useful lists I have is a list of all our vacations, family reunions and major events such as job changes and family funerals. All I record is the date, the event, who attended it and where it was. With a computer it’s easy to keep a running list. It can be updated at the end of the year before you throw out last year’s calendar. It’s been helpful in remembering what year things happened. I call my list "Days of Our Lives." (Is this still the name of a soap opera?) I’ll write more about journaling next time.

The front of my roses covered journal says, Do everything in love.
1 Corinthians 16:14  I wish I could. That’s a goal we can work toward.

Blessings, Dottie

Pet Tales

When writing my last post about various critters, I ran across this account on mice, gerbils and a turtle. It makes me laugh every time I read it. This happened a long time ago.

April 16  Purchased two white mice & cage for son, 9.   

Purchased gerbil cage for son, age 7. Purchased turtle and turtle bowl for daughter, age 5. One mouse loose in store.

April 20 Turtle needs bigger bowl and won't eat boxed food. Purchased bowl. Every child in the neighborhood is catching flies and bugs for the turtle.

May 3 Nine year old son builds fort for mice from blocks. They love it. He leaves them in it and both are loose in basement.

May 4 One mouse can go through bars of cage. Nine year old getting better at catching them. Put cage on TV tray.

May 5-11 Hunt for mice every morning.

May 11 Mother's Day! Bought screen for mouse cage; fastened it on the outside of the cage, half way up.

May 12 Hunt for mice. Put screen all the way up.

May 13 Hunt for mice. Put screen on top also.
                                                                                                     
May 14 Mouse out through seam at top. Hunt for mouse.

May 15 Fix screen on inside of cage.

May 16 Turtle bowl cracked. Purchased new one.

May 17 Water dispenser for mice broken. Purchased new one.

May 21 Seven year old’s baby gerbils old enough to join us. Bought food, litter, and water bottle.

May 22 Seeds all over floor of seven year old’s bedroom.

May 23 Cleaned up seeds; switched to sunflower seeds.

May 26 Litter all over floor. They scratch. Put cardboard around edges of cage.

May 27 Gerbil water bottle leaks.

May 28 Bought new plug for bottle.       

May 29 Turtle bowl leaks.

June 1 No turtle bowls available.

June 2 No turtle bowls available.

June 3 7 A.M. One gerbil missing, one mouse missing. Everyone searched. Found mouse before school.   Couldn't find gerbil. Fixed gerbil cage with screen half way up. No turtle bowls available. Bought plastic sweater box and more gravel for the turtle. 7 P.M. Kids found gerbil in basement.

June 4 Midnight. Mouse out.

June 5 Sewed screen to cage with nylon fishing line!

From my current perspective what’s the lesson? The minor trials raising children and pets are cause for laughter and delight today, remembering.

May the Lord richly bless both you and your children. Psalm 115:14 NLT

Blessings, Dottie