THE WORK OF MARRIAGE

 Q.  My husband hurt me deeply over something he considers minor. After we talked about it I felt better and I told him I was willing to forgive him. He was offended by this saying I was making him out as the bad guy and myself as a “goody two shoes” with my talk of forgiveness. 

I told him he was the bad guy in this case as he hurt me. We ended up in a fight, all because I offered forgiveness! What’s our problem and what can we do to solve it?

A.  Marriage is not easy! In the context of our closest relationships an argument can erupt over most anything. We can create a conflict even when we’re trying to resolve a problem or when we’re trying to reach out in forgiveness! We can make things better by learning from our conflicts. The frustrations of marriage are our growing points, the areas we need to examine, talk about and change.  In other words it will help to study the communication patterns between you. Ask yourself the following:

1.  Are you and your husband in a cycle of hurt and blame? Is there a pattern of arguing or distance, of sarcasm or teasing, of subtle or not so subtle put-downs?  If any of these patterns fit you, you will both need to own up to your own part in this pattern and begin to change it. Respect is essential to a comfortable and happy relationship. Begin treating your partner the way you treat your friends.

2. Do you feel or act superior to your husband? Most anything we do, even offering forgiveness, can be used as a form of control or as a way to judge or look down on the other person. Apparently this is how your husband took your comments even though you were sincere in offering forgiveness. When we are condescending in any way we may continue the battle. We have the upper hand. We can sling guilt, lording over our partner the terrible wrong he or she has committed. 

         

3. Are you aware that you can be very hurt by your husband’s behavior even though he did not intend to hurt you? His motive for doing what he did may be totally unrelated to its effect on you. 

4. Are you both aware that you cannot expect another person to be responsible for your feelings? Our feelings are a guide for us as to our own inner self. Our feelings are our individualized reactions and depend on many things including our past experiences, our beliefs, and our thoughts. Often deep emotions are triggered by an unconscious hurt from the past. Our current upsetting situation reminds us in some way of this past event.

         

5. If your husband has wronged you, betraying an agreement you had between you or not keeping a promise, then in this specific instance he is the wrong doer and you are the person who has been hurt. In this case he would need to accept responsibility for what he has done and do all he can to repair the damage. In the actual complex interaction between a couple often both have contributed to the pain in the relationship.

         

Counseling can help you learn and grow in your relationship. Counseling can help you create a happier marriage. See a Christian counselor together so your communication pattern (the interaction between you) will be the focus of most of the help given.

“Love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.” 1 Peter 4:8 The Message

Blessings, Dottie

When Marriage is in a Rut

It's easy for a marriage to fall into a rut, to become routine and distant. We say the same things to each other over and over. We ask: "How was your day?" "What's new?" And our answers are also routine. “My day was fine.” “Not much is new.” We’re in a rut when we avoid all topics except those having to do with the children or our work. We’re in a rut when we talk mostly about the news, the weather and sports. These topics are all fine and some of them are necessary in order for a family to function. The problem is they do not help us get very close to one another. Nor do they give us much new information about each other. We remain stuck in a rut.

How to Get Out of a Rut

Couples whose marriage is in a rut need to change the way they communicate. Getting out of the rut will take effort and determination. Here are some ways to do this.

1. Vary your communication. Make one "different" statement each day. If you’re usually quiet – share something about your work, for example. Take a small risk and tell your husband or wife some of your thoughts and feelings; tell some of the things you want him or her to know about you, but don’t usually share.

           

2. Tell about your early life. Ask your partner to tell you about his or her childhood— in detail. Tell your partner about your childhood also. What was he/she like as a little boy or girl? Tell the worst thing that happened?  Tell the best time in your life? Describe the funniest memory? When were you happiest? Find out all you can about each phase of each other’s life. One easy way to do this is to get out old photo albums and look through these together, describing your childhoods as revealed in the photos. There is no need to do this all at once. In fact, if you spend an hour at a time and keep coming back to it, you may enjoy it more and learn more. 

           

3. Talk about the future.  What are your hopes, dreams and ambitions?  What do you each want to have or be or do? What are your career goals? What do you each hope to be doing five years from now? Ten years from how?  What kind of retirement do you hope to have? How would you like your marriage, family and children to be in the future?

Talk about your marriage. Describe the happiest day of your marriage. Which vacation was the best? What surprised each of you the most about marriage? About being a parent? About each other?  What do you like best about each other? Talk about the rut your marriage is in and how to liven things up between you.

           

During all of these discussions be a good listener and be positive in responding to each other. This will encourage further communication. Notice most of these topics focus on positive experiences. We tend to communicate more about the negative experiences we go through in marriage and we forget to communicate about the many positive things. Communicating in this new way may feel very strange at first. Go slow with it and be patient with each other.

Worship and Pray Together. One of the most effective ways to get out of a rut is to worship and pray together. Sharing your intimacy with God is life-changing. 

“Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:4 NIV

Blessings, Dottie

What Causes Parent and In-law Problems?

What causes family problems? 

When we visit our parents as adults we may revert to our childhood role in the  family. Whether we act like children or are treated as though we are still a child, old issues often rear their heads. This can be confusing to our partner. All of a sudden a strong, capable husband or wife is acting like a mama’s boy or girl. Our partner also may not understand why our feelings are hurt because they did not have the history of slights or hurts leading up to the current problem.

     

The spouse may also feel excluded. We may be back in the family nest, all cozy and comfortable, having intense, meaningful or even hilarious times with our parents and siblings and they feel left out. They don’t know the inside jokes. They don’t share the history of our past.

     

Our parents may be threatened because it’s obvious they are no longer as important to us as they once were. Depending on the style and maturity of the parents they may demand more time or attention, find fault with you or your spouse, or accept things as they are. We, ourselves, may be dismayed at our own reactions to our families. We may become upset by even minor changes our parents have made. Your former room may now be in use as a study, for example.

     

Solutions for parent or in-law problems

There are a number of things you can do to prepare for visiting parents or in-laws. 

1.  Talk over in detail with your spouse any problems you expect. Listen carefully and get a clear understanding of the issues for each of you. Then brainstorm about how to handle these problems.

2.  Set up signals to use while visiting to let each other know when something is upsetting either one of you. Plan to talk alone each day about how things are going. Couples need some privacy even during visits.

3.  Remind yourself that your first loyalty now is to your spouse, not to your parents or siblings. This is what marriage is all about. When family conflicts occur you must side with your spouse no matter what.

4.  Talk with your own parents ahead of time if there are specific problems that need to be addressed. Make clear to them the time you will arrive and when you will leave. Let them know also about any other plans. You may want to take a day to visit friends nearby. This will give them time to adjust to your expectations.

5. Show love and appreciation to your parents and your in-laws. In spite of their flaws they do love you and they will put time, effort and money into entertaining you when you visit. Be respectful and understanding toward them.

     

If parent or in-law problems are extreme or chronic, counseling can help.

“Honor your father and mother.” Exodus 20:12

Blessings, Dottie

What is the "Blame Game"?

Many couples play the "blame game." For example the husband may "blame" his wife for not having the house clean. She retaliates by "blaming" him for not spending time with the children and for not earning enough money. And the "fight" escalates. This is typical of what happens when we blame or criticize others.

     

We blame others when we are angry or hurt or feel criticized for something ourselves.  The person we blame often becomes defensive or retaliates with a criticism. For many of us blame is our first line of defense against attack. Animals attack when their territory is threatened or invaded. Similarly, we humans attack when we think our "territory" is in danger. The problem is, our territory is much more complicated than the simple geographic territory of animals. 

     

We may blame others when we're tried or stressed or when they don't live up to our expectations or do things our way.  In the example above the wife did not keep the house as clean as her husband expected.  We also blame others when underneath we are hurting. For example, the criticism of the wife in the example above may have come at the end of the day, just as the husband returned from work. I wonder what he brought home with him. Did someone at work criticize him?

In order to stop the blame game you will need to make a firm decision to do so. This will involve catching yourself whenever you become critical of your partner and checking inwardly to find out what you're feeling, thinking or expecting. It will take practice and determination to change.

     

Think about the reasons for your reactions. At times you will recognize that your criticism or anger is a childish response that stems from old issues having nothing to do with your partner. Or you will realize that your anger comes from current issues that have nothing to do with your partner. You may also realize that what the other person did was accidental. Occasionally you will need to confront your partner. It's best to postpone this to a time when you both are alone and rested. Some times you will decide to tell your partner right on the spot. 

     

When you think it is appropriate to confront, use "I" statements and acknowledge your own feelings or thoughts. For example, "I'm very angry that the house isn't clean because I thought you had agreed to have it ready for my meeting here tonight." Listen carefully to your partner’s response. If he or she becomes defensive don't get drawn into blaming. Instead, focus on solving the immediate problem of how to get the house ready for your meeting.

“Stop criticizing others, or it will come back on you.” Luke 6:37 NLT

Blessings, Dottie