PARENT-TEEN POWER STRUGGLE: A PAINFUL VICIOUS CIRCLE

Q. What’s wrong with my daughter? She has book sense but no common sense. She is 18, attends college and works part time. She harps on little things and continues for hours or even days arguing with me on the same minor issue. She never thinks she’s at fault and often thinks no one loves her. She argues with her boyfriend in the same way she argues with me. What’s her problem and how can I help her?

You and your daughter are in a power struggle. A power struggle is, as it says, a struggle for power or control. The subject you argue about doesn’t matter. You’re both saying “I’m right” or “No, I’m right.” It takes two to argue; it takes two to have a power struggle.    

           

When a power struggle continues over a period of years it affects everyone. All family members feel some anger, resentment, or hurt as a result of the unhappy dialogue that poisons the home. Behind a parent/teen power struggle is the healthy need on the part of the teen to be independent, to do things “my way,” to express his or her unique individuality. This bumps up against the parent’s role as guardian and the parent’s desire to teach and help the young person avoid problems or dangers.

Stopping the Vicious Circle

First you need to realize you are not to blame for the problem but you do contribute to it in the way you respond to your daughter. A power struggle is a vicious circle and this circle needs to be interrupted.

           

How to Change a Power Struggle

To stop the power struggle you will need to change the way you react or respond to your daughter.

1. Refuse to argue with her. Arguing doesn’t solve anything. Nor does it make a teen-ager listen. This may be difficult. You may have to bite your tongue. Back off when ever you realize you are arguing with her.  

           

2. Learn to see things from her point of view. One technique which helps is to use mirroring. If your daughter says “I’ve had a bad day and I’m too tired to clean my room.” Respond by repeating (mirroring) this back to her, “You’ve had a bad day and you’re too tired to clean your room right now.” Saying this will help her feel understood. 

           

3. Become a good listener. You might ask her to tell you more about her bad day. Most of us will open up when someone listens and accepts what we say without disagreeing, without dismissing our concern or pain, and without offering advice.

           

4. Don’t get drawn back into the struggle. Changing the way you respond to your daughter will not be easy. She will attempt to draw you back into arguments.

5. Focus on solutions. When she complains resist the urge to defend yourself. Ask her, “What do you wish would change?” Then listen.

           

6. Don’t overreact. Don’t tolerate disrespect - let her know it’s not acceptable - but don’t overreact to it either. Realize that she doesn't have the life experience that you do. Therefore, her problems may seem minor to you yet be overwhelming to her. Similarly, your worries may be of no concern to her.

           

7. Focus on positives. Tell her what you are pleased with about her. Find ways to have fun together.

“It is better to be patient than powerful; it is better to have self-control than to conquer a city.”  Proverbs 16:32 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

This post originally appeared on Taber's Truths. 

Marriages in Trouble

The Fairy Tale Marriage

Several types of marriages often have trouble. The first type is the fairy tale marriage. The couple believe they have found the perfect person to meet all their needs. They believe marriage will make them happy. When they discover their partner is not perfect they become disillusioned. When troubles or struggles come (and they will with every couple) they are devastated. Since they believed the other person would make them happy, they think the solution is to leave the marriage and find someone else.

           

The Dominant Submissive Marriage

The second type of marriage is a dominant/submissive one. One person is in charge and the other person accepts this. They both may be comfortable with this arrangement for a while. Sooner or later the submissive one becomes depressed, resentful or withdrawn. It's difficult to act like a non-person. This couple believes that living together is only possible when one person is dominating the other.

The Care Taker - Rescuer Marriage

Another version of the dominant submissive marriage occurs when one partner feels inadequate and seeks a partner who will rescue and take care of him or her. The caretaker is loaded with all the responsibility for the relationship and the one being rescued continues to feel inadequate. There is no room for growth; there is no equality.

           

The Power Struggle Marriage

Another type of common difficulty is the power struggle. This struggle can be subtle or it can be open warfare. Each person is determined to prove they are right. Both are engaged in a fight to convince their spouse that they know best. Differences are threatening and viewed as wrong. They are engaged in a battle of self-justification.

           

The Contented Marriage

Couples who remain together enjoy and respect each other. They are affectionate with each other. They accept their struggles and view them as challenges. They learn to accept their differences. They learn to cooperate. They learn to accept each other's immaturities and idiosyncrasies. They work at understanding and communicating with each other. They are committed to each other and encourage each other's growth and development. The main ingredients of a lasting enjoyable marriage are love, respect, effort, communication and commitment. Marriage is never easy!

A couple in a Fairy Tale Marriage will need to recognize their expectations were flawed. They must learn that no partner can meet all their needs and that all marriages have some conflict. The Dominant Submissive marriages must take the risk to allow each other to be real, to each make decisions, to differ. A couple in a Power Struggle Marriage will need to realize no one is always right and that often there are many right ways to do things. In order to change these problem marriages, counseling and marriage enrichment courses will help. I believe any couple with some maturity who truly want to work things out can do so.

“Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Is the Seven Year Itch Inevitable?

Couples begin marriage in the honeymoon stage; all is lovey-dovey. This is eventually followed by the power struggle phase. Romance fades and couples realize the other person is not perfect and is not going to meet all their needs. Figures from the National Center for Health Statistics show that most divorces occur within the first seven years of marriage. More marriages break up during this stage in life than at any other time. 

The power struggle phase is difficult for couples to resolve. (For more on power struggles see blog from May 2012.) Although you may not be in an obvious struggle, boredom and restlessness may signal an avoidance of conflict or a passive struggle. Often one partner will give in or avoid expressing dissatisfaction, rather than upset the other person. He or she may say yes to whatever is asked and then never get around to doing it - using passive resistance. 

     

The “Age Thirty Crisis” often coincides with the “Seven Year Itch”. For older couples, there may be an “Age Forty Crisis.” Many of us reevaluate our lives during each decade year. At age thirty (or forty) we begin to realize that our youth is gone and we won't live forever. Couples at this age are also under great stress trying to balance two careers and the demands of raising children. Divorce too often seems to be the answer to any problems. 

     

The seven year itch need not end in divorce. How can you prevent divorce? Gently insist that your partner talk with you about his or her feelings—even if what he or she has to say may hurt you. In order for a marriage to work both partners need to be able to be open, honest and be themselves with each other. The “Seven Year Itch” can become an opportunity to grow, to communicate more openly about the marriage and about hopes and dreams for the future.

     

Counseling and marriage enrichment groups can be very helpful with the seven year itch, helping you grow together rather than apart. These can help you let go of past resentments, overcome power struggles and adopt new ways of relating to each other that meet both your needs.

     

It’s also important to find ways to liven up a marriage that seems boring. It’s easy to get into ruts and relate to each other in very routine ways. There’s no spontaneity or imagination left in this type of relationship. Relationships take work and this is true especially for marriage. Couples who put as much thought and care into their marriage as they do into their careers reap the benefits of a satisfying and interesting marriage and one that continues to grow.

There are several books which offer many ideas about how to resolve problems and enrich your marriage. I recommend: Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Married People: Staying Together In The Age of Divorce by Francine Klagsbrun and The Case Against Divorce by Diane Medved. See also www.smartmarriages.com.

“So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce.’” Malachi 2:15-16 The Message

Blessings, Dottie

What is A Power Struggle?

A power struggle is, just as it says, a struggle for power or control.  In most marriages a power struggle begins after the honeymoon phase, as the differences between partners become more evident. Partners then attempt to influence each other and gain control. Often the subject you argue about doesn’t matter. It takes two to maintain a power struggle and this interaction becomes extreme when two very competitive people are married to each other.

     

If the primary goal of both partners is to win the argument then the battle may escalate to name calling, increased anger and even violence. Certainly, in the heat of competition, respect for each other lessens or vanishes. What occurs is a see-saw back and forth of attack and counter attack. “You did such and such….”  “I did that because you did....” Neither partner hears the other as they continue to argue — “I’m right.” “No, I’m right.” 

     

No one wins a power struggle. In fact, in a marriage, either both partners win or both lose. You are on the same side; you are teammates in the battle of life. The outcome of conflicts affects you both. If you win a battle with your partner what have you actually won? If he or she feels defeated, put down or controlled, where is your victory?

     

Couples in a power struggle have never learned how to negotiate differences or how to compromise. Compromise does not mean giving in. The literal meaning of the word compromise is “to promise together.” To change your marriage you must first listen carefully to your partner. One listening technique that will improve communication is the use of mirroring. This is simply, mirroring back what you hear your husband or wife say. Give your partner a brief summary of his or her position.

     

For example, if your partner says, “The sky is green,” you would mirror back, “You’re saying the sky is green.” Mirroring this back to your partner does not mean you agree with it. But it shows your partner that you have heard and it will encourage your partner to tell you more about his or her thoughts. 

     

Use this kind of response especially when your partner’s words feel like an attack on you. This will be hard to do as it involves letting go of the initial defensive response you feel and using your reason to find out more about what the other person means.

     

There is much to learn in order to stop power struggles. You both need to learn to respect and understand your differences. You both need to learn to listen to the feelings behind the words said and respond to these with caring. You both need to learn to say you’re sorry and to not see this as giving in. You both need to learn not to fight over minor issues and you both need to learn that most issues are minor.

“It is better to be patient than powerful; it is better to have self-control than to conquer a city.” Proverbs 16:32 NLT

Blessings, Dottie