A love/hate relationship is one in
which couples can't live with each other but they also can't live apart. Some
caring or dependency holds them together in spite of much unhappiness. No marriage
is free of ambivalence. We all experience some
disappointment in our marriage. However, a love/hate relationship is
characterized by bickering, anger, bitterness, and blame.
Love/hate relationships provide little
happiness, love or warmth, but they do provide security. These couples are
often stuck in destructive complimentary patterns—mother/son, daddy/baby or
master/slave, for example. The best marriages are based on mutual support and
allow both individuals room to grow. Love/hate relationships stunt the growth
of both partners.
Ironically, the partners in love/hate
relationships are most in need of love and support. The basis for their
destructive pattern is rooted in childhood abuse or neglect. Each partner is
consciously or unconsciously expecting the partner to make up for all the lacks
from their childhood. At the same time there is an underlying belief that they do
not deserve the love they crave. They expect and demand love yet push it away
when it is offered.
Because the childhood traumas and
deficits were so overwhelming there is an inability to show neediness or even
an outright denial of vulnerability. Little or no empathy was shown them as
children. As a result they withhold their own caring for fear of being too
vulnerable. This sounds pretty hopeless, but it isn't.
Couples who have faith in God and a
meaningful connection to a church can overcome past patterns through acceptance
of God’s love and purpose in their life. A life-changing faith in God can be
life-changing in the marriage, also.
Couples in a love/hate relationship
often love each other deeply but are caught up in their own needs and in their
negative interactions. To change these interactions they need to:
1. Stop the angry interactions, they only do
harm.
2.
Apologize. Take responsibility for your own part in the problems.
3.
Give and receive support to each other.
4.
Communicate in a constructive way - this means listening to the other's point
of view, avoiding labels, blaming, or criticism.
5.
See one's partner realistically, as a person with needs, wants, hurts and
vulnerabilities.
6.
Nurture each other; learn to make up for some of the childhood lacks.
7.
Take the risk of sharing your vulnerability; be open and this will eventually
encourage your partner to be so.
8.
Build fun times into your marriage; develop a sense of humor even about your
repetitive problems.
9.
Assume the best about your partner; be empathic.
10. Work on your own childhood issues so they won't be played out in
your marriage.
Marriage enrichment programs and
counseling can help couples take the above steps necessary to change a
love/hate relationship into a supportive, satisfying one. Couples married for a
long time can continue to grow and change. Their maturity is an asset in
tackling difficult problems.
“Hatred starts fights, but love pulls a
quilt over the bickering.” Proverbs 10:12 The Message
Blessings, Dottie
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