Couples begin marriage in the honeymoon
stage; all is lovey-dovey. This is eventually followed by the power struggle
phase. Romance fades and couples realize the other person is not perfect and is
not going to meet all their needs. Figures from the National Center
The
power struggle phase is difficult for couples to resolve. (For more on power
struggles see blog from May 2012.) Although you may not be in an obvious
struggle, boredom and restlessness may signal an avoidance of conflict or a
passive struggle. Often one partner will give in or avoid expressing
dissatisfaction, rather than upset the other person. He or she may say yes to
whatever is asked and then never get around to doing it - using passive
resistance.
The “Age Thirty Crisis” often coincides
with the “Seven Year Itch”. For older couples, there may be an “Age Forty
Crisis.” Many of us reevaluate our lives during each decade year. At age thirty
(or forty) we begin to realize that our youth is gone and we won't live
forever. Couples at this age are also under great stress trying to balance two
careers and the demands of raising children. Divorce too often seems to be the
answer to any problems.
The seven year itch need not end in divorce. How can you prevent divorce? Gently insist
that your partner talk with you about his or her feelings—even if what he or
she has to say may hurt you. In order for a marriage to work both partners need
to be able to be open, honest and be themselves with each other. The “Seven
Year Itch” can become an opportunity to grow, to communicate more openly about
the marriage and about hopes and dreams for the future.
Counseling and marriage enrichment
groups can be very helpful with the seven year itch, helping you grow together
rather than apart. These can help you let go of past resentments, overcome
power struggles and adopt new ways of relating to each other that meet both
your needs.
It’s also important to find ways to
liven up a marriage that seems boring. It’s easy to get into ruts and relate to
each other in very routine ways. There’s no spontaneity or imagination left in
this type of relationship. Relationships take work and this is true especially
for marriage. Couples who put as much thought and care into their marriage as
they do into their careers reap the benefits of a satisfying and interesting
marriage and one that continues to grow.
There are several books which offer
many ideas about how to resolve problems and enrich your marriage. I recommend:
Getting The Love You Want by Harville
Hendrix, Married People: Staying Together
In The Age of Divorce by Francine Klagsbrun and The Case Against Divorce by Diane Medved. See also www.smartmarriages.com.
“So guard yourself in your spirit, and
do not break faith with the wife of your youth. ‘I hate divorce.’” Malachi
2:15-16 The Message
Blessings, Dottie
You have a lot of good information here. Some people don't realize that marriage is like anything else in life; it takes work.
ReplyDelete