Q. What’s
wrong with my daughter? She has book sense but no common sense. She is 18,
attends college and works part time. She harps on little things and continues
for hours or even days arguing with me on the same minor issue. She never
thinks she’s at fault and often thinks no one loves her. She argues with her
boyfriend in the same way she argues with me. What’s her problem and how can I
help her?
You and your
daughter are in a power struggle. A power struggle is, as it says, a struggle
for power or control. The subject you argue about doesn’t matter. You’re both
saying “I’m right” or “No, I’m right.” It takes two to argue; it takes two to
have a power struggle.
When a power struggle continues over a period of years it
affects everyone. All family members feel some anger, resentment, or hurt as a
result of the unhappy dialogue that poisons the home. Behind a parent/teen
power struggle is the healthy need on the part of the teen to be independent,
to do things “my way,” to express his or her unique individuality. This bumps
up against the parent’s role as guardian and the parent’s desire to teach and
help the young person avoid problems or dangers.
Stopping the
Vicious Circle
First you need to realize you are not to blame for the
problem but you do contribute to it in the way you respond to your daughter. A
power struggle is a vicious circle and this circle needs to be interrupted.
How to
Change a Power Struggle
To stop the power struggle you will need to change the way
you react or respond to your daughter.
1. Refuse to
argue with her. Arguing doesn’t solve anything. Nor does it make a
teen-ager listen. This may be difficult. You may have to bite your tongue. Back
off when ever you realize you are arguing with her.
2. Learn to
see things from her point of view. One technique which helps is to use
mirroring. If your daughter says “I’ve had a bad day and I’m too tired to clean
my room.” Respond by repeating (mirroring) this back to her, “You’ve had a bad
day and you’re too tired to clean your room right now.” Saying this will help
her feel understood.
3. Become a
good listener. You might ask her to tell you more about her bad day. Most
of us will open up when someone listens and accepts what we say without
disagreeing, without dismissing our concern or pain, and without offering
advice.
4. Don’t get
drawn back into the struggle. Changing the way you respond to your
daughter will not be easy. She will attempt to draw you back into arguments.
5. Focus on
solutions. When she complains resist the urge to defend yourself. Ask her,
“What do you wish would change?” Then listen.
6. Don’t
overreact. Don’t tolerate disrespect - let her know it’s not acceptable -
but don’t overreact to it either. Realize that she doesn't have the life
experience that you do. Therefore, her problems may seem minor to you yet be
overwhelming to her. Similarly, your worries may be of no concern to her.
7. Focus on
positives. Tell her what you are pleased with about her. Find ways to have
fun together.
“It is
better to be patient than powerful; it is better to have self-control than to
conquer a city.” Proverbs 16:32 NLT
Blessings, Dottie
This post originally appeared on Taber's Truths.
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