A CARING FATHER

 Q.  My father worked long hours to support the family. As a result he was never able to spend much time with his children. I’ve repeated his pattern - I focus most of my energies on my work. I thought my wife and children understood I was working for them. 

Recently my eight year old son talked back to me. This surprised and upset me. When we both calmed down he told me he dislikes my being away so much and he doesn’t believe I really care about him. I'm afraid the two younger kids may feel the same way. I have to work. What can I do to convince my kids I care?

A. Men are often torn between their work and their families. They are taught to assume the major responsibility for supporting their family financially and they are often not taught the importance of their role as a parent.

It’s good that you’re now aware that your children need to spend time with you and need to know you love them. You have learned this soon enough to do something about it. One of the great regrets men often have in their fifties is that they never got to know their children.

At a men’s conference, Patrick Morley, author of The Man in the Mirror, asked the men present whose pictures they carry in their wallets. The men proudly showed pictures of their children and their wife. He then noted that none of them carried a picture of their employer. Similarly, Lee Iacocca has said that no one on their death bed ever wishes they had spent more time at work. Morley suggests that men make a list of the top five ways they use their time. Then make a list of your most important relationships. Then compare them. He wonders if the ways we spend our time are related to the most important people in our life.

We all no doubt spend the largest block of time with our work and with our family. And this is as it should be. However, which is our first priority? We often make our work number one, even taking work home with us. We compartmentalize our families when we should compartmentalize our work. Think of ways you can reverse this. 

    

Patrick Morley says that a child’s greatest need is to have their father’s encouragement. Here are some things you that will encourage your children and help you connect with them. 

    

1. Spend time with them. Time means love to a child. Listen to them, play with them, have fun with them, take them places. 

    

2. Encourage them with words of love and appreciation often. Say “I love you.” Say, “I’m proud of you,” and be specific about what you are proud of. Give much more praise and affirmation than criticism or correction.

    

3.  Be affectionate. Give hugs, kisses, pats on the back. Hold them on your lap. Read to them as they sit close to you. 

    

4. Set loving limits but don’t set too many rules. Don’t pressure them with expectations they can’t meet. Don’t pressure them to perform. Too much structure discourages children. Give grace. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Remember they’re still learning. See things from the child’s point of view.

    

5. Pray with them and pray for them. A bed time ritual of saying prayers together can bond you together.

    

This Father’s day, as we honor our Dads let’s give them time, attention, affirmations and affection. Dads in our society often think they’re only valued as the economic support of the family. Let’s let them know how loved and important they are to us.

“May the Lord bless you more and more, both you and your children.” Psalm 115.14

Blessings, Dottie