FAMILY RECONCILIATION AT CHRISTMAS

 Q. I'm 18 years old and a senior in high school. My older sister got married last summer. Dad refused to go to her wedding because he didn’t approve of her fiancé. My sister was very hurt by this and everyone was upset. My Dad and my sister still aren't talking. My sister doesn’t come over to the house any more so I never see her. When I call her to talk to her my Dad accuses me of siding with my sister. I’m sad and upset about this and wish my family wasn’t so divided. At Thanksgiving my sister went to her husband's family for dinner. I'm worried now about what will happen at Christmas. I'm not sure they will ever make up. My Dad's sister hasn't spoken to their Dad for about 20 years. ? What can I do to help?

 A, Alienation between two members of a family creates heartbreak, tension and un happinessfor every one. Often family alienation occurs around special occasions, especially around "rites of passage" such as weddings and funerals. These are emotion packed occasions. Alienation is a detouring of the emotions, almost like a short circuit. It protects the persons involved from overwhelming emotions just as a circuit breaker stops an overload of electricity from doing damage. 

In your father's and sister's case, they probably both had overwhelming feelings about no longer being intimately involved as father and daughter. It’s interesting that there is long lasting alienation going on in your father's family. This type of “cut off” often runs in families. There may have been alienation in his family going back for many generations. The circumstances of the alienation in previous generations may even be similar as each generation learns from the previous one and tries to resolve the same emotional difficulties in familiar ways. 

Often family alienation can be resolved if one person will make the attempt to do so. The person reaching out may have to do so more than once, however, in order to break through the emotional barrier set up by months or years of hurt and angry silence. When a family estrangement has continued for a long period of time, counseling may be necessary in order to resolve it. The hard work of family therapy can stop the repetition of bitter divisions carried on from one generation to another. 

Here’s what you can do: Enlist the rest of the family to convince your Dad and your sister to make up. Perhaps the family member closest to each one can talk individually with each of them or you can hold a family meeting with each one. Give the two injured parties time to express their feelings. Listen without arguing. When they have finished, ask them to listen to you. Then tell them how you feel about the alienation, how it is affecting you. Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements (which sound blaming) – such as the one you used “I’m sad and upset and wish my family wasn’t divided.” 

Find out what they want from the other person in order to reconcile and then share this to the other person. Let each one know of any softening on the part of the other. Remind them that Christmas is about love and therefore a great time to forgive. Tell them forgiveness does not mean the other person hasn’t hurt them. Forgiveness means letting go of my desire to hurt the other person for hurting me. 

Readers: Is there someone you need to forgive and reconcile with this Christmas?  Don’t let pride or stubbornness keep you from forgiveness and love. 

“Be kind to each other. Tenderhearted forgiving one another, just as God through Christ Jesus has forgiven you.”  Ephesians 4:32 

Blessings, Dottie

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RESURECTION APPEARANCES OF JESUS

FISHING, FAILURE AND RECONCILIATION

Often we spend the forty days before Easter focusing on Christ’s journey as he sets his face toward Jerusalem and crucifixion. What about the forty days after Easter? Scripture describes a number of Jesus’ resurrection appearances including the fact that he appeared to 500 people. (1 Cor. 15:6-7) His resurrection was no delusion by a few ardent disciples.

He talked with them, ate and drank with them, showed them his nail scarred hands and wounded side. And he taught them, loved them, and prepared them for his Ascension. And He prepared them to be His Church on earth.

One of the most compelling resurrection appearances (John 21:1-17 NIV) describes a fishing excursion of Peter and six other disciples. They caught nothing after hours of fishing. Early in the morning Jesus greeted them from the shore asking if they have any fish. They reply, “No” and he tells them “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they do, they are unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

John (recognizing Jesus) says, “It is the Lord.” Peter jumps into the water and swims to shore. (So eager!) The other disciples follow in the boat, towing the net full of fish. They have breakfast with Jesus on the shore and Scripture says, “None of the  disciples dared ask him, 'who are you?' They knew it was the Lord." I think they knew it was Jesus, but they were ashamed of their failure - their abandonment of him after his arrest. And Peter was ashamed of denying him three times.

The Scripture continues (John 21:15-16 NIV)

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?”

         

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” 

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”                                                               

Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you truly love me."  

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”    

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.” 

Jesus lovingly questions Peter’s commitment and he questions it three times to give Peter the opportunity to affirm his devotion three times – thus erasing the failure in Peter’s mind (already erased by the cross).

Peter is identified as the overseer of the church. Feed my lambs, feed my sheep, take care of my sheep – all refer to his being the shepherd entrusted to feed the Word to the sheep – to the Church.

Take time to read and study his Word today and teach it to those in your care.

Blessings, Dottie

A COUNSELOR’S VIEW OF DIVORCE

This is a talk I gave in 1991, edited some. I’m retired now but will keep this in the present tense as it was written.

A Counselor’s View of Divorce

Couples on the brink of divorce are angry, hurt, unable to communicate and in a power struggle. Some times the power struggle is a cold war, some times there has been actual violence. Sometimes one partner has had an affair. Often by the time I see them one has decided to get a divorce but is coming to counseling to satisfy their partner. Often they have walls up from years of holding onto resentment, from years of abuse or from years of miscommunication. 

I have seen the most disastrous appearing marriages turned around. I've seen couples regain hope and love and work out lasting solutions to their problems within a matter of months. Naturally I've also seen many who have not done this. When both are committed to making the marriage work, I believe, with adequate counseling they can do so.

When I see couples I attempt to:

1. Give them hope that things can work out. I do this by getting them to focus on the times in their courtship or early marriage when they were in love, to remember those good times and the love they began with. I also focus on what they like about each other now and what each wants the other to do now or in the future that would show they care. If couples are actively hating each other I may comment on the fact that hate is a connection and that the opposite of love is indifference. Also, if they feel no love for the other - I may wonder if they can or do love the other person's soul.

2. I focus on the fact that they're both responsible for the problems but no one need be "blamed". They didn't intend for things to end up this way.

3. I educate them about the fact that virtually all marriages reach the power struggle stage and that marriage takes work and commitment. They work very hard on careers and on raising children but often coast regarding marriage.They need to put as much effort into the marriage as they do into careers or child rearing.

4. I work on helping them let go of resentments, forgive each other, improve communication and change their current relationship.

5. The root cause of dysfunctional marriages is often dysfunctional childhood development. Many couples need to work through issues from their families of origin. I do this in the context of marital therapy as I believe this helps them better understand each other and learn to nurture and accept each other - to accept even the childish parts.

Other guidelines:

1. Moving out of the home during the crisis is more apt to result in divorce than to reconciliation. Moving out may also lead to the continuation of an affair.

2. When one person has been involved in an affair the injured partner may become obsessed with the affair. The focus needs to shift off the affair to the meaning behind it and to solutions. The injured partner may want to know all the details. This will only feed the imagination and be difficult to forget. The injured party does have a right to know who, when, where, and in general what happened, how long it lasted and whether it has ended. They also have a right to know about a pregnancy or any sexually transmitted diseases.

3. I recommend couples tell as few people as possible about their problems. Family members mean well but they unwittingly take sides and this complicates forgiveness and reconciliation and encourages continued conflict.

4. It takes a year or more to fully recover from an affair if both partners actively work on it together in counseling.

My comments today: Divorce is devastating to the couple and to extended family members as well as to children, even adult children. The aftermath of divorce is as painful as most marital problems. They will go through a year or two of grieving the loss of the marriage. Divorce is not an easy way out.

If you decide to work on your marriage choose a Christian counselor experienced in marriage counseling who will share your determination to resolve the problems. Groups such as the Third Option, Marriage Encounter and A Weekend to Remember are very helpful and work well along with counseling. An active faith in God, praying and worshipping together will also help solidify your marriage.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in God through Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

The Forty Days After Easter

Often we spend the forty days before Easter focusing on Christ's journey as he sets his face toward Jerusalem and crucifixion. What about the forty days after Easter?  

Scripture describes a number of Jesus' resurrection appearances including the fact that He appeared to 500 people. (1 Cor. 15:6-7) His resurrection was no delusion by a few ardent disciples.

He talked with them, ate and drank with them, showed them His nail scarred hands and wounded side. And He taught them, loved them, and prepared them for his Ascension. And He prepared them to be His Church on earth.    

Fishing, Failure and Reconciliation 

One of the most compelling resurrection appearances (John 21:1-17) describes a fishing excursion of Peter and six other disciples. They caught nothing after hours of fishing. Early in the morning Jesus greeted them from the shore asking if they had any fish. They reply, "No" and He tells them "Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some."
They do and are unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

John (recognizing Jesus) says, "It is the Lord." Peter jumps into the water and swims to shore. (So eager!) The other disciples follow in the boat, towing the net full of fish. 

They have breakfast with Jesus on the shore and Scripture says, "None of the disciples dared ask Him, 'Who are you?' They knew it was the Lord." I think they knew it was Jesus, but they were ashamed of their failure - their abandonment of Him after his arrest. And Peter was ashamed of denying Him three times.

The Scripture continues (John 21:15-16)
"When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
           
 "Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."

 Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."                                                      
           
Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me.
           
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.
           
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
           
The third time He said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
           
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."
           
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep."

Jesus lovingly questions Peter's commitment and He questions it three times to give Peter the opportunity to affirm his devotion three times - thus erasing the failure in Peter's mind (already erased by the cross).

Peter is identified as the overseer of the church. Feed my lambs, feed my sheep, take care of my sheep - all refer to his being the shepherd entrusted to feed the Word to the sheep - to the Church.

Take time to read and study his Word today and teach it to those in your care.

Blessings, Dottie