STYLES OF LOVING

Q.  My husband and I have been married for twenty years. We get along well with each other most of the time.  However, I often am disappointed in my husband’s lack of affection. He doesn’t like to say “I love you.” He also “forgets” to buy me a valentine or to remember my birthday. He says he shows me love by earning a living. I know I can’t change him but I’m hungry for more words of love from him.  What do you suggest?

A. All of us need to both give and receive love. Some of us deny this need by acting self-sufficient, distant or aloof. But the need is there. There are a number of styles of loving which we use without thought; ways in which we express love to our husband or wife. We learn some of these styles of loving in childhood. They are the ways we have been shown love. We may also long for some expression of love that we never received as a child. 

In marriage there are often misunderstandings about our styles of loving. We grow up in different families and learn different ways to show love. Most of us have one or two love languages that we prefer. The trick is to learn what our partner’s styles of loving are and then meet his or her needs by giving in these ways.

Here are some of the love languages we use:

1. Affirming words. When we speak kind words to our mate we’re showing love. Notice moods or concerns and comment with empathy about whatever your partner is going through. Affirming words also include giving compliments, expressing our appreciation and praising the person for what truly pleases us about them. Be specific and positive when giving affirmations and don’t tack on anything negative or the affirmation will be lost.

2. Spending time together. How often do we give our partner our undivided attention? This is difficult in today’s fast paced world but it is essential in order to really connect and show love. Turning off the TV for fifteen minutes each evening, can make a difference. Talk about you inner hopes, dreams and fears. Sharing from the heart connects us. We also feel loved when we are involved in an activity together and when we go out on a “date” or get away overnight together.

3. Giving and receiving gifts. Love is also expressed by giving gifts. Special dates which are remembered with a gift can touch us deeply. Spontaneous small gifts for no reason also are meaningful.

4. Serving each other. When we volunteer to help our partner with a difficult project or a needed errand, we’re showing our love. Helping with routine chores also says love. Flexibility in this is helpful. For example, we can occasionally do a chore our partner usually does as a surprise or because we know they’re unusually busy. 

5. Affectionate touch. Physical expressions of love including holding hands, hugging, kissing, pats on the back, cuddling and sex are essential to our health and well being and they mean love. Take time to touch every day.

Most of us have one or two styles of loving that we prefer. Show your husband this blog post and ask him which are his favorite ways to be shown love. Then tell him what your favorites are. Most of us show love to our partner in the ways we need to be shown love. Broaden your styles of showing him love and he may do the same. Women often have to lead the way in teaching men about close relationships. The happiest marriages include all five styles of loving.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3a

Blessings, Dottie