Q. I’m always being blamed and criticized. My childhood was
difficult, we were poor, and I was abused. I’ve tried to overcome all this and
live a good life but I don’t get any help from my family, friends or employer.
They gripe and complain about things I do or don’t do. I’m sick of it. What can
I do to get love and approval from others?
A. In order to get love and
approval from others you must honestly face your faults. Most of us deny we
have anything to do with the negative experiences we have in life. We yearn for
others to change and act kindly toward us. We react with defensiveness to
criticism or fault finding. This is typical of mankind. In the Bible, Adam and
Eve blamed each other, God and the devil! They evaded all responsibility for
their actions.
Our culture encourages us to
excuse ourselves and blame others. Our culture supports us in our self-focus.
We say for example, “If I hadn’t been abused as a child I wouldn’t get angry so
easily.” “If my husband helped me more I
wouldn’t be so tired and irritable.” “If my boss was nicer, I wouldn’t make
mistakes and I’d get more done.” “If my
children would listen to me I wouldn’t yell at them so much.” We’re full of
“ifs” which we use to blame or excuse our negative behavior on the basis of
what others do to us.
The childhood reasons you give
for your behavior may have been the original causes for your anger, frustration
and unhappiness. You did have a hard life as a child. But when you use this as an excuse for your
behavior today you remain stuck. What kind of a person do you want to be
now? Do you want to be a mother who
yells, a wife who is irritable or an inept employee? You can’t change the past but you can change
your attitudes and behavior now and in the future.
If you want to get love and
acceptance from others you first need to work on changing yourself. Changing
yourself is not an easy task but since it’s impossible to change anyone but
yourself it must be your focus.
Begin by facing yourself
honestly. Don’t defend yourself when you’re criticized or blamed by someone
else. Instead, stop and consider whether there is any truth to the criticism.
If there is, acknowledge this at least to yourself and start making changes in
yourself. If there’s no truth to the criticism you can just forget it without
defending yourself.
Admit to yourself your angry and
hurt feelings toward those who mistreated you as a child or as an adult. Feelings
are OK. It’s what we do with them that can hurt us and others. Write your
feelings in a journal or pour them out to God in prayer. This will help you let
go of resentment and anger.
The most difficult step is to
admit the many ways in which you have wronged or hurt others. Make of list of
your faults and then confess these to God, to a pastor or a counselor, or even
to the person you wronged. Facing the truth about ourselves is painful and
difficult. We don’t want to admit our own flaws or faults. We don’t want to
take responsibility for our own behavior and attitudes.
Be patient with yourself in
taking these steps. Being totally honest with yourself and others will free
you. You will then be able to forgive yourself and love and accept yourself.
When you have reached this point your inner acceptance and God’s acceptance
will be all that matters. The change in you will draw the love and acceptance
of others. You will enjoy this but will no longer need it.
“Those who look to him for help
will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm
34:5
Blessings, Dottie
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