Psych Info: IT’S NOT MY FAULT!

Q. I’m always being blamed and criticized. My childhood was difficult, we were poor, and I was abused. I’ve tried to overcome all this and live a good life but I don’t get any help from my family, friends or employer. They gripe and complain about things I do or don’t do. I’m sick of it. What can I do to get love and approval from others?

A. In order to get love and approval from others you must honestly face your faults. Most of us deny we have anything to do with the negative experiences we have in life. We yearn for others to change and act kindly toward us. We react with defensiveness to criticism or fault finding. This is typical of mankind. In the Bible, Adam and Eve blamed each other, God and the devil! They evaded all responsibility for their actions.

   

Our culture encourages us to excuse ourselves and blame others. Our culture supports us in our self-focus. We say for example, “If I hadn’t been abused as a child I wouldn’t get angry so easily.”  “If my husband helped me more I wouldn’t be so tired and irritable.” “If my boss was nicer, I wouldn’t make mistakes and I’d get more done.”  “If my children would listen to me I wouldn’t yell at them so much.” We’re full of “ifs” which we use to blame or excuse our negative behavior on the basis of what others do to us.

   

The childhood reasons you give for your behavior may have been the original causes for your anger, frustration and unhappiness. You did have a hard life as a child.  But when you use this as an excuse for your behavior today you remain stuck. What kind of a person do you want to be now?  Do you want to be a mother who yells, a wife who is irritable or an inept employee?  You can’t change the past but you can change your attitudes and behavior now and in the future.

If you want to get love and acceptance from others you first need to work on changing yourself. Changing yourself is not an easy task but since it’s impossible to change anyone but yourself it must be your focus.

   

Begin by facing yourself honestly. Don’t defend yourself when you’re criticized or blamed by someone else. Instead, stop and consider whether there is any truth to the criticism. If there is, acknowledge this at least to yourself and start making changes in yourself. If there’s no truth to the criticism you can just forget it without defending yourself.

   

Admit to yourself your angry and hurt feelings toward those who mistreated you as a child or as an adult. Feelings are OK. It’s what we do with them that can hurt us and others. Write your feelings in a journal or pour them out to God in prayer. This will help you let go of resentment and anger.

   

The most difficult step is to admit the many ways in which you have wronged or hurt others. Make of list of your faults and then confess these to God, to a pastor or a counselor, or even to the person you wronged. Facing the truth about ourselves is painful and difficult. We don’t want to admit our own flaws or faults. We don’t want to take responsibility for our own behavior and attitudes. 

   

Be patient with yourself in taking these steps. Being totally honest with yourself and others will free you. You will then be able to forgive yourself and love and accept yourself. When you have reached this point your inner acceptance and God’s acceptance will be all that matters. The change in you will draw the love and acceptance of others. You will enjoy this but will no longer need it.

“Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm 34:5

Blessings, Dottie

PSYCH INFO: HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY GUILT

 Q. I feel guilty nearly every day for one reason or another. If I have to cancel a doctor’s appointment, even for a legitimate reason, I feel guilty. I feel guilty about mistakes or poor decisions I made in the past. I’m always apologizing to people because I think I’ve said something that hurt or offended them. When I try to explain, they don’t even remember the incident. Sometimes I avoid contact with people because I don’t want to feel guilty again. But then I feel guilty for avoiding my friends. How I can I get over feeling guilty?

A. There are two types of guilt, healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt. Healthy guilt occurs when we make a hurtful mistake, commit a deliberate misdeed, or neglect a responsibility. Healthy guilt occurs when we realize a flaw in our character which needs to be corrected.

Unhealthy guilt makes us feel guilty no matter what we do. It is pervasive, irrational and self-punishing. It makes us feel worthless.  Unhealthy guilt is not productive, we don’t learn from it. We simply wallow in it and feel defective. 

Healthy guilt enables us to see our mistakes or flaws and use this knowledge to learn about ourselves. The process of accepting responsibility, making amends and determining to change our behavior is a growth process that increases self-respect.

Often those who feel guilty a lot will blame others for “making them feel guilty.” It’s good you realize that your guilt is your problem, not something someone else does to you. Although we are affected by the things others say, our emotions have to do with our own unique makeup and perception of our world. We must own our feelings before we can begin to overcome them.

Here are some steps for getting rid of unhealthy guilt:

1. Keep a journal about your guilt feelings. Note each time you feel guilty, what triggered it, how you responded to it (tears, anger, depression ) and your thoughts about why you felt guilty. 

2. Look for patterns in your guilt. Perhaps you can group the types of guilt you have such as guilt about the past, guilt about seeming failures, guilt about saying the “wrong” thing.

3. Ask your self, did I really do anything wrong? If the answer is yes then you are experiencing healthy guilt. You will need to face the issue and decide to change. For example, if you are habitually late and this is one of the things you feel guilty about, the solution is to change your ways. 

4. Ask yourself, did I do something that isn’t consistent with my goals for myself? If the answer is yes this is either healthy guilt or you have set unrealistic goals. For example, you feel guilt about eating a piece of pie because you want to lose weight. If you’re anorexic or your ideal is Twiggy, your goal is unrealistic and unhealthy. If you do need to lose weight your goal is OK and your guilt is healthy. In this case, use your guilt to help you get back on your plan rather than using it to beat up on yourself. 

If you did nothing wrong, yet feel guilty, talk back to the relentless critic in your head. Defend yourself against the unfair, untrue accusations made against you. Then tell your critic to scram. 

To get rid of healthy guilt, talk to God about your failures or sins and ask for forgiveness.

“If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Blessings, Dottie

PSYCH INFO: HEALTHY AND UNHEALTHY GUILT

Q. I feel guilty nearly every day for one reason or another. If I have to cancel a doctor’s appointment, even for a legitimate reason, I feel guilty. I feel guilty about mistakes or poor decisions I made in the past. I’m always apologizing to people because I think I’ve said something that hurt or offended them. When I try to explain, they don’t even remember the incident. Sometimes I avoid contact with people because I don’t want to feel guilty again. But then I feel guilty for avoiding my friends. How I can I get over feeling guilty?

 A. There are two types of guilt, healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt. Healthy guilt occurs when we make a hurtful mistake, commit a deliberate misdeed, or neglect a responsibility. Healthy guilt occurs when we realize a flaw in our character which needs to be corrected.

Unhealthy guilt makes us feel guilty no matter what we do. It is pervasive, irrational and self-punishing. It makes us feel worthless. Unhealthy guilt is not productive, we don’t learn from it. We simply wallow in it and feel defective. 

Healthy guilt enables us to see our mistakes or flaws and use this knowledge to learn about ourselves. The process of accepting responsibility, making amends and determining to change our behavior is a growth process that increases our self-respect.

Often those who feel guilty a lot will blame others for “making them feel guilty.” It’s good you realize that your guilt is your problem, not something someone else does to you. Although we are affected by the things others say, our emotions have to do with our own unique makeup and perception of our world. We must own our feelings before we can begin to overcome them.

Here are some steps for getting rid of unhealthy guilt:

1. Keep a journal about your guilt feelings. Note each time you feel guilty, what triggered it, how you responded to it (tears, anger, depression ) and your thoughts about why you felt guilty. 

2. Look for patterns in your guilt. Perhaps you can group the types of guilt you have such as guilt about the past, guilt about seeming failures, guilt about saying the “wrong” thing.

3. Ask your self, did I really do anything wrong? If the answer is yes then you are experiencing healthy guilt. You will need to face the issue and decide to change. For example, if you are habitually late and this is one of the things you feel guilty about, the solution is to change your ways. 

4. Ask yourself, did I do something that isn’t consistent with my goals for myself? If the answer is yes this is either healthy guilt or you have set unrealistic goals. For example, you feel guilt about eating a piece of pie because you want to lose weight. If you’re anorexic or your ideal is Twiggy, your goal is unrealistic and unhealthy. If you do need to lose weight your goal is OK and your guilt is healthy. In this case, use your guilt to help you get back on your plan rather than using it to beat up on yourself. 

If you did nothing wrong, yet feel guilty, talk back to the relentless critic in your head. Defend yourself against the unfair, untrue accusations made against you. Then tell your inner critic to scram. 

To get rid of healthy guilt confess your failures and sins to God and ask for forgiveness.

“If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Blessings, Dottie