A. I
was a marriage counselor for over thirty years and I’ve heard many similar
stories. Unfortunately not all marriage counselors are trained to help couples
change the way they interact with each other. Also, not all marriage counselors
view marriage as a life-long commitment which most of us make before God,
family and friends.
Some
therapists as well as our society, think that marriage should “make us happy”
not understanding that all marriages have some low points and all marriages
take work. Most couples can identify some positives in their relationship and
don’t want to break up their marriage. They just don’t know how to fix it.
William
J. Doherty, Ph.D. gave a presentation called “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous To
Your Marital Health.” He is appalled, as I am, at what some counselors tell
couples. He describes one couple who saw a therapist together. The wife was
clinically depressed and medication was begun. In a later individual session
with the wife the therapist told her she wouldn’t recover from her depression
until she “trusted her feelings” about the marriage. Then the therapist
suggested a separation. The wife protested saying she loved her husband and was
committed to him. The wife was stunned and didn’t return to the counselor.
Next
she talked to her priest. He urged her to wait and see whether the depression
was causing the marital problems or the martial problems were causing her
depression. If things improved with the medication then all was well. Then he
told her if it didn’t work out he would help her get an annulment! Again, she was stunned.
They finally saw a
competent marital therapist who helped the couple. Dr. Doherty says that this couple
“survived two efforts at “therapist-induced marital suicide.”
Other examples of
things incompetent therapists may say:
- “Your marriage isn’t working any more.” This is like saying my car isn’t working anymore and it’s not worth repairing.
- “Maybe it’s time to move on.” That’s what we say about a job.
- “You deserve better.” Friends, not just therapists will say this about a marriage.
- One therapist refers to “starter marriage.” Starter marriage? We refer to a starter home? It’s a little home you plan to leave!
Dr.
Doherty suggests that “this kind of language represents the invasion of a
consumer ethic into marriage in addition to focus on individual fulfillment and
satisfaction.” He encourages couples to take marital education classes and I
would agree with him. I have seen more change happening in couples marriages
through marriage education than through counseling though some couples need
both. Locally, I’ve been involved with
The Third Option group for married couples.
I recommend you and your wife find a Third Option group or go to Weekend
to Remember.
“Let love and faithfulness never leave
you.” Proverbs 3:3
Blessings,
Dottie
Dottie: these are interesting thoughts. I know there are good counselors and not so good counselors. Sometimes the counselor is good but the client hears what he or she wants to hear.
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