Q. I know
my husband loves me and we’re committed to each other but we go through times
of intense conflict and times of distance from each other. Then we wonder if
the struggle is worth it and whether we really are meant for each other. What’s going on? How can we change these
patterns?
A. All couples face obstacles, angry flare ups
and apathetic periods in their marriage from time to time. When these problems
occur we often pull back and become distant or even have thoughts of giving up.
We fall away from our spouse. Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage says the solution to these problems is to do the
opposite of what comes naturally - we need to fall forward. “Falls are inevitable. We can’t control that,
but we can control the direction in which we fall - toward or away from
our spouse.”
Thomas
goes on to say, “It took years for me to understand I have a Christian
obligation to continually move toward my wife. I thought that as long as
I didn’t attack my wife or say cruel things to her, I was a ‘nice’ husband, but
the opposite of biblical love isn’t hate, its apathy. To stop moving toward our
spouse is to stop loving him or her. It’s holding back from the very purpose of
marriage.”
To learn
to fall forward toward our spouse we must learn three things:
1. We
must learn not to run from conflict. Our natural tendency is to run away from
disagreement. We can do this in other relationships more easily than we can in
marriage. We can look for another job, another friend, another church. But our
marital vows challenge us, or even force us, to work through the problem, to
reach a solution. Thomas says that “conflict provides an avenue for spiritual
growth. To resolve conflict, by definition we must become more engaged, not
less. Just when we want to ‘tell the other person off’ we are forced to be quiet
and listen to their complaint. Just when we are most eager to make ourselves
understood, we must strive to understand...”
2. We
must learn to compromise. This is not a dirty word, as society would lead us to
believe. In order for a relationship to continue and grow some compromises must
occur. Every relationship involves compromise in some way. When we’re willing
to give some ground we prove our love; we prove how important the relationship
is to us. We fall forward.
3. We
must learn acceptance and loyalty. The very differences which attracted us to
each other sooner or later cause conflict or hurt. For example, you were attracted to his
kindness before you married. Now you see him as too giving. Or you enjoyed her
as fun loving before marriage but now you wish she would be serious. Life would
be easier we think if he or she would be just like me. The challenge is to let
go of our idealized image of a husband or wife and learn to love the person we
married, an imperfect, flawed human being. We fall forward.
Learning
to face conflict, learning to compromise and learning acceptance teaches us how
to love and how to forgive. This is what falling forward is all about. We don’t
let pain or apathy keep us from moving toward each other.
To learn
more about how to put these lessons into practice join a couples educational
group, The Third Option, Marriage Encounter or Weekend to Remember. I also
recommend you read Sacred Marriage by
Gary Thomas.
“Love each other with genuine affection
and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT
Blessings,
Dottie
