ANGER IN MARRIAGE

Q. My husband gets angry very easily. We have a good marriage except when this happens. During the early years I was afraid of his anger and so I avoided confrontations. Later I began yelling back because I was tired of giving in and tired of being misunderstood. But this just made things worse. Now I'm tired of fighting but don't know what else to do. What should I do when my husband loses his temper? What will defuse anger in marriage?

How to Defuse Anger in Marriage

There are several steps you can take to defuse anger in marriage:

1. Ignore the bluster, blame and criticism. Think of these as bait used to start a fight. Don’t take the bait. His anger, accusations or criticisms may conceal the actual reason for his anger. Ignoring the bluster, remaining calm and rational will help quiet things down and will help you find out what’s upsetting him. Ignoring your husband’s blame or criticism doesn’t mean you agree with what he is saying. Though your husband’s anger may come out in blame or attacks on you he may actually be very angry with himself. People who are hard on those closest to them are often even harder on themselves.

           

2. Calm down and talk. You may be able to reduce the level of your husband's anger by insisting that it is preventing you from understanding and helping with the problem. You might say, "I know you're angry. Let's sit down and talk about it." Be persistent yet calm and friendly. Repeat this several times if necessary. You might also suggest discussing it later when he isn't so angry. Set a time for this and follow through.

           

3. Focus on solving the immediate problem. If you remain calm yet persistent you are taking control and are the strong one in the situation. When you learn why your husband is angry, focus on solving the immediate problem. For example, if your husband is angry because he can't find a tool he needs, concentrate on finding it. If he’s angry about something at work let him vent about it and be sympathetic. If he’s angry about something you did or said listen to his view point on this without being defensive. Tell him you’re sorry if this hurt him. If this doesn’t satisfy him ask what else you can do about it now. Asking for forgiveness will help also.

           

4. Try distraction or humor. Some times distracting your partner by changing the subject will lessen his or her anger. The careful use of humor can also break the tension.

5. Leave the room to cool off. If none of these ideas work and you can’t control your own anger or you think your partner's anger is getting out of hand, it’s time to leave. You can leave the room or if your partner follows you, even leave the house. Make it clear that you’re willing to talk about the problem later on when he has calmed down and that you are leaving to enable both of you to cool off.

If these steps don’t help, counseling can help both of you learn how to defuse anger in your marriage. I recommend you see a counselor together.

“A fool is quick tempered but a wise person stays calm when insulted.” Proverbs 12:16 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Over Reactions in Marriage

Q.  I often lash out at my husband. I have days in which I'm cross, moody or irritable. My husband stays on an even keel all the time. When he’s angry he gets quiet and withdraws from me. I hate myself for being the bad guy. What is the cause of my over reaction? How can I change?

Many of us with "short fuses" experience overwhelming anger with only minor provocation. Feeling frustrated, irritable and out of sorts on a daily basis suggests a habit of over reacting. We need to recognize our over reactions and realize these are irrational responses. By definition, emotions are not rational. We need our emotions, but as adults we must learn to control them. Lashing out at others harms relationships deeply.

                       

Over Reactors Raise a Stink

Someone has said there are two ways we handle our vulnerability: the Skunk Method and the Turtle Method. When a skunk gets in trouble he lets out a terrible odor which causes other animals to run for cover. The skunk can then safely walk away. The turtle, when threatened simply withdraws into his shell.

           

Lashing out and moodiness might be called the Skunk Method. “Skunks” yell, blame and are obnoxious toward those they love. Just like the skunk, they raise a stink. Others need not feel superior, however, as they handle their vulnerability with the Turtle Method— pulling in their head and withdrawing. “Turtles” will sulk in silence and feel sorry for themselves. Often they remain disconnected from others longer than the “skunk” who gets things off his chest.

           

"Skunks" can never become "turtles" and vice versa but often they marry one another.  Things could be worse. When two "skunks" marry they are constantly battling and when two "turtles" marry their relationship is characterized by too much distance and lack of connection. To modify your "skunk" responses, first notice when you begin to lash out or feel irritable. Next write down each over reaction and think about what triggers these. Ask yourself, whether each issue deserved such anger. Think about how you can modify your reaction in the next similar situation. Studying your "skunk" responses will help you gradually modify your behavior. Talk with your husband about this and let him know you are sorry about your over reactions. Be as open as you can with your husband, taking a risk to be more vulnerable than usual.  

           

Your temperament is naturally “hot” while your husband’s is naturally “cold.” Accept these differences and accept yourself even though you have these "skunk" characteristics. Counseling can help you control your over reactions. Marital counseling with your "turtle" spouse and educational marriage groups such as The Third Option, Marriage Enrichment, and Weekend to Remember will also help.

Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper make mistakes. Proverbs 14:29 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Can a violent marriage change?

Violence is always destructive and signals major problems. Both partners may be out of control. Wild animals fight when attacked. Children fight with each other. Most adults do not use physical means to settle differences. We know how to control our anger. We know how to talk about problems. And we know how to walk away from conflict.

           

Seek Professional Help

Couples who are violent with each other have usually come from homes where they witnessed violence or where they were physically abused. The violence in their marriage is a re-creation of scenes from the past; an acting out of their frightened, hurt, confused and angry feelings from the past. When this happens in a marriage the couple are at risk of doing serious harm to each other. The violence must stop. They need treatment to learn how to do this and to resolve the underlying problems causing their violence. This will take time and will not be easy. Treatment can also help them discover the positives in their relationship, the love and caring that keeps them together.

Changes You Can Make

There are also several things couples can do on their own to stop the violence. These are not a substitute for treatment. They will only facilitate lasting change in connection with professional help.

Learn About Your Anger

Understanding your anger can help you control it. To learn about your anger write out your answers to these questions individually: 

             1. How do you define anger?

             2. What did you learn about anger as a child?

             3. How did you express anger as a child?

             4. What was your most recent anger experience?

             5. What was the angriest moment in your life?

             6. How do you react to anger?

             7. What positive ways do you use to get rid of anger?

             8. What do you enjoy or like about anger?

             9. How do you "pick a fight?"

            10. What do you do that triggers your partner's anger?

Read and study The Anger Workbook by Dr. Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth and honestly face the truth about your own violent anger.

           

Make Your Home Safe

Couples who are violent with each other must make their environment safe. To do this, get rid of all weapons. They might even place the kitchen knives in a locked drawer. They will need to make a pact to never become violent again. They will need to plan how they will handle anger when it arises.

One way to do this is to list the behaviors that are acceptable during a disagreement and those that are not acceptable. For example, acceptable behaviors might be: describing why you're angry, asking for different behavior, raising your voice, slamming doors, leaving briefly to calm oneself down.

           

Unacceptable behaviors would include any physical attack (hitting, biting, scratching), destroying possessions, threatening divorce, threatening violence.

           

If drinking accompanies the violence this issue will also need to be addressed. Couples with a violence problem need to find an experienced counselor and commit themselves to continue in treatment weekly for at least three months.

“A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise person quietly holds it back.” Proverbs 29:11 NIV

Blessings, Dottie