Violence is always destructive and signals major problems. Both
partners may be out of control. Wild animals fight when attacked. Children
fight with each other. Most adults do not use physical means to settle
differences. We know how to control our anger. We know how to talk about
problems. And we know how to walk away from conflict.
Seek
Professional Help
Couples who are violent with each other have usually come
from homes where they witnessed violence or where they were physically abused. The
violence in their marriage is a re-creation of scenes from the past; an acting
out of their frightened, hurt, confused and angry feelings from the past. When
this happens in a marriage the couple are at risk of doing serious harm to each
other. The violence must stop. They need treatment to learn how to do this
and to resolve the underlying problems causing their violence. This will take
time and will not be easy. Treatment can also help them discover the positives
in their relationship, the love and caring that keeps them together.
Changes You
Can Make
There are also several things couples can do on their own to
stop the violence. These are not a substitute for treatment. They will only facilitate
lasting change in connection with professional help.
Learn About
Your Anger
Understanding your anger can help you control it. To learn
about your anger write out your answers to these questions individually:
1. How do you define anger?
2. What did you learn about anger as a child?
3. How did you express anger as a child?
4. What was your most recent anger experience?
5. What was the angriest moment in your life?
6. How do you react to anger?
7. What positive ways do you use to get rid of
anger?
8. What do you enjoy or like about anger?
9. How do you "pick a fight?"
10. What do
you do that triggers your partner's anger?
Read and study The Anger Workbook by Dr. Les Carter
and Dr. Frank Minirth and honestly face the truth about your own violent anger.
Make Your Home
Safe
Couples who are violent with each other must make their
environment safe. To do this, get rid of all weapons. They might even place the
kitchen knives in a locked drawer. They
will need to make a pact to never become violent again. They will need to plan
how they will handle anger when it arises.
One way to do this is to list the behaviors that are
acceptable during a disagreement and those that are not acceptable. For
example, acceptable behaviors might be: describing why you're angry, asking for
different behavior, raising your voice, slamming doors, leaving briefly to calm
oneself down.
Unacceptable behaviors would include any physical attack (hitting,
biting, scratching), destroying possessions, threatening divorce, threatening
violence.
If drinking accompanies the violence this issue will also
need to be addressed. Couples with a violence problem need to find an experienced
counselor and commit themselves to continue in treatment weekly for at least three
months.
“A fool gives full
vent to his anger, but a wise person quietly holds it back.” Proverbs 29:11
NIV
Blessings, Dottie
