Over Reactions in Marriage – Part 2

Q. Recently my husband really let me down. We had made plans to do something on a certain date. He forgot all about it and made plans to do something else. He was very busy at the time and hadn't written down the date. I know he doesn't pay attention to details like I do. The problem is I over react to this sort of thing. I take it very personally.  First I was absolutely furious. Then I got really pitiful and felt totally unloved and unlovable. I cried buckets and it was days before I recovered. Why do I over react to this sort of thing and how can I learn not to?

           

A. Many of us over react but we’re not usually aware of it or honest about it as you are. It’s important to pay attention to over reactions as they may signal that something else is going on other than the present day issue. The current experience touches pain deep inside us. We feel like a hurt, needy child. 

           

Over Reactions are Normal in Children

Babies and young children feel things intensely and have little control over their emotions. When frustrated they’re consumed with anger. When hurt, they cry intensely. As we get older we become more civilized and learn to delay or moderate our feelings. We learn to remain in touch with our feelings without being overwhelmed by them.

A child who experiences a trauma such as abuse, neglect or abandonment, will often learn to disassociate his feelings in order to not to be overwhelmed and to survive. He learns not to feel. However, the feelings are locked up inside. Even without a major trauma, we may have had experiences which were too overwhelming to deal with as children. We carry these feelings and issues with us into our adult life.

           

Conquering Over Reactions

Though we may not remember the "trauma" itself, something in our present circumstance triggers long buried emotions. To overcome this, notice the times when you do over react. Write down what happened and how you reacted. After you have several examples of over reacting, figure out what these examples have in common. The scene in each example may be similar and may be reminiscent of how you felt as a child. Write about these childhood scenes. How does your present life compare? Realize you are no longer as vulnerable as you were back then.

           

Learn to love the hurt and needy child inside you. Remind yourself that the needy child is irrational and emotional for some very good reasons. Tell her God loves her and will take care of her. Tell her you also love her and will take care of her. Read John Bradshaw's books Healing the Shame That Binds You or Homecoming for additional ideas on healing the inner child.

           

Counseling can also help you work through deep inner hurts. 
See Over Reactions in Marriage - Part 1.

“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free. “ John 8:32 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Over Reactions in Marriage

Q.  I often lash out at my husband. I have days in which I'm cross, moody or irritable. My husband stays on an even keel all the time. When he’s angry he gets quiet and withdraws from me. I hate myself for being the bad guy. What is the cause of my over reaction? How can I change?

Many of us with "short fuses" experience overwhelming anger with only minor provocation. Feeling frustrated, irritable and out of sorts on a daily basis suggests a habit of over reacting. We need to recognize our over reactions and realize these are irrational responses. By definition, emotions are not rational. We need our emotions, but as adults we must learn to control them. Lashing out at others harms relationships deeply.

                       

Over Reactors Raise a Stink

Someone has said there are two ways we handle our vulnerability: the Skunk Method and the Turtle Method. When a skunk gets in trouble he lets out a terrible odor which causes other animals to run for cover. The skunk can then safely walk away. The turtle, when threatened simply withdraws into his shell.

           

Lashing out and moodiness might be called the Skunk Method. “Skunks” yell, blame and are obnoxious toward those they love. Just like the skunk, they raise a stink. Others need not feel superior, however, as they handle their vulnerability with the Turtle Method— pulling in their head and withdrawing. “Turtles” will sulk in silence and feel sorry for themselves. Often they remain disconnected from others longer than the “skunk” who gets things off his chest.

           

"Skunks" can never become "turtles" and vice versa but often they marry one another.  Things could be worse. When two "skunks" marry they are constantly battling and when two "turtles" marry their relationship is characterized by too much distance and lack of connection. To modify your "skunk" responses, first notice when you begin to lash out or feel irritable. Next write down each over reaction and think about what triggers these. Ask yourself, whether each issue deserved such anger. Think about how you can modify your reaction in the next similar situation. Studying your "skunk" responses will help you gradually modify your behavior. Talk with your husband about this and let him know you are sorry about your over reactions. Be as open as you can with your husband, taking a risk to be more vulnerable than usual.  

           

Your temperament is naturally “hot” while your husband’s is naturally “cold.” Accept these differences and accept yourself even though you have these "skunk" characteristics. Counseling can help you control your over reactions. Marital counseling with your "turtle" spouse and educational marriage groups such as The Third Option, Marriage Enrichment, and Weekend to Remember will also help.

Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper make mistakes. Proverbs 14:29 NLT

Blessings, Dottie