WE ALL NEED VALENTINES

Q. How important is it for married couples to express romantic love to each other? My wife and I have been married for twenty years. On Valentines Day she wants me to give her a Valentine, tell her I love her and be romantic. I think she should know I love her because I go to work every day and I help around the house. I think actions like these are more important than words or cards. Also, our relationship isn’t always great so why should I do anything? What do you think?

A. Valentine’s Day has been celebrated by couples since the 14th century.  Cards, gifts, flowers, candy or a romantic evening together are traditional ways to do this. Romance enhances relationships and revives a dull or troubled marriage. 

        

You question being romantic toward your wife on Valentine’s Day and justify it because you do other things for her and your marriage isn’t always great. I have news for you. No marriage is always great. If you meet your wife’s need for romantic attention I suspect your marriage will be a great deal better. What have you got to lose? Why does this seem so difficult? Every marriage must be nourished in a variety of ways or it will die. 

        

We have been misled by movies and the media into thinking love is easy; a feeling, an emotional high. We confuse love and infatuation. Love requires commitment and work. It requires giving of oneself, abandoning our self-focus. Many marriages fail because they are not nurtured. 

If you have resentment about the fact that your relationship is “not that great” you need to communicate this to your wife. Tell her what you need from her; how she can make the relationship better for you. Your needs are important also. Everything either of you do is either building your marriage up or tearing it down. Which would you rather do?

        

Gary Smalley, in his book Love Is A Decision, cites four qualities needed in every marriage in order to nurture it. He compares a marriage to a plant and suggests these needs:

     1. Security in marriage is like sunshine to a plant. A life time loving commitment to each other enables a marriage to flourish.

     2. Meaningful communication in marriage is like water to a thirsty plant. We must share feelings, needs, hopes, dreams and be good listeners in order for our marriage to thrive.

     3. Romantic celebration experiences are like rich soil that nurtures a plant. We need to schedule, plan and carry out times of celebration together.

     4. Loving care and touch is essential even for plants. Similarly our marriage needs hugs, kisses, and cuddling on a daily basis for it to blossom.

I would also suggest the following. 

·      Put your wife first. This means she comes before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter. At times she even comes before yourself.

·      Don’t let your work or a hobby keep you from spending quality and quantity time with your wife.

·      Say, “I love you.” No matter what else you’re doing your spouse needs to hear those words often. This goes for wives as well as husbands.

·      Learn to forgive. We have all done hurtful things we needed to be forgiven for. Also, unforgiveness hurts you as well as the marriage.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Let’s express love to our wife or husband in special ways. We can also express love to family members, friends, co-workers and others. Visit a shut in. Email a friend. Send cards to those who are alone and need to know they’re loved. Say “I love you” to family and friends. We all need Valentines.

“Love each other deeply because love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8

Blessings, Dottie

Are There Control Issues in Your Marriage?

Who’s In Control?

By Dottie Parish

  

Control issues are evident in many marriages. Looking at who decides things or who has the final say often reveals a very skewed picture. Ideally control should be shared and there should be room for each person to express their individuality and "get their own way" some of the time.

Control Issues

Control issues are not the same as power issues. Power has to do with competition and winning. Couples who disagree, argue or fight are often in a power struggle. Control struggles, in contrast, are about autonomy - the need to have your own individuality. Ask your self who controls me and who do I control? A controlling person does not respect the uniqueness of the other person. They know best what, when and how things should be done.

           

A marriage in which one person is highly controlling of the other may begin that way because of a wide age difference. For example, an 18 year old woman may welcome the dominance of her 28 year old husband. As she grows and develops, however, this arrangement becomes less and less satisfying. Similarly, someone with little self-esteem may welcome the protective control of the other. 

Security Needs

The dominated person is fearful of asserting their needs and rights. Security is so important to them that they opt for peace at any price. Often the controlling partner has little awareness of the controlled partners’ unhappiness or of how disrespectful they are to their partner. 

The Need to Control

The driving force behind a need to control is fear. The more fearful the person is the more they attempt to control every aspect of their life. Things are in order, predictable, scheduled. Since fear is at the root of this problem the solution lies in overcoming fear. Both partners need to overcome fear.

The controlled person must overcome fear and find the courage to express their needs. This can be done in a non-threatening way. Talk with your spouse about what you want and need. Then take small gradual steps toward making some independent decisions and some shared decisions. As you become more independent, reassure your controlling spouse that you love him and you have no intention of leaving. Remember, he is fearful under the surface or he wouldn’t have such a need to control. 

The controlling person needs to recognize the fear behind their need to control and set a goal to reduce their controlling behavior.  Letting go will feel scary but will help you and your spouse grow.  Faith in God can help overcome fear. We are not in control, but he is. Trust God and let go.

“For God has not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT

Blessings, Dottie