Who’s In
Control?
By Dottie Parish
Control issues are evident in
many marriages. Looking at who decides things or who has the final say often reveals
a very skewed picture. Ideally control should be shared and there should be room for each person to express their individuality and "get their own way" some of the time.
Control
Issues
Control issues are not the same
as power issues. Power has to do with competition and winning. Couples who
disagree, argue or fight are often in a power struggle. Control struggles, in
contrast, are about autonomy - the need to have your own individuality. Ask your self who controls me and who do I control? A
controlling person does not respect the uniqueness of the other person. They
know best what, when and how things should be done.
A marriage in which one person
is highly controlling of the other may begin that way because of a wide age
difference. For example, an 18 year old woman may welcome the dominance of her
28 year old husband. As she grows and develops, however, this arrangement becomes
less and less satisfying. Similarly, someone with little self-esteem may
welcome the protective control of the other.
Security
Needs
The dominated person is fearful
of asserting their needs and rights. Security is so important to them that they
opt for peace at any price. Often the controlling partner has little awareness
of the controlled partners’ unhappiness or of how disrespectful they are to
their partner.
The
Need to Control
The driving force behind a need
to control is fear. The more fearful the person is the more they attempt to
control every aspect of their life. Things are in order, predictable, scheduled.
Since fear is at the root of this problem the solution lies in overcoming fear.
Both partners need to overcome fear.
The
controlled person must overcome fear and find the courage to express their
needs. This can be done in a non-threatening way. Talk with your spouse about
what you want and need. Then take small gradual steps toward making some
independent decisions and some shared decisions. As you become more
independent, reassure your controlling spouse that you love him and you have no
intention of leaving. Remember, he is fearful under the surface or he wouldn’t
have such a need to control.
The
controlling person needs to recognize the fear behind their need to control
and set a goal to reduce their controlling behavior. Letting go will feel scary but will help you
and your spouse grow. Faith in God can
help overcome fear. We are not in control, but he is. Trust God and let go.
“For God has not given you a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power,
love and self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT
Blessings, Dottie
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