Enhancing Marriage Communication

Q. My husband and I have a fairly good marriage but over the years we’ve focused largely on our careers and raising our children. We both have some disappointments about our relationship which we’ve largely ignored. I wish we could talk to each other on a more intimate level and he wants me to enjoy his hobbies with him. Now that the children are older we would like to find ways to improve our relationship. What do you suggest?

A. It’s good that you want to enhance your marriage. In the midst of child rearing and “life” many couples avoid facing the differences and difficulties between them. These minor disappointments fester beneath the surface. Later these issues surface along with bitter or frustrated feelings. Couples whose lives are necessarily focused on children and careers in the early years may find they have grown so far apart that it takes conscious effort to create a more satisfying relationship after the children are grown and gone.

         

If both partners are willing, any couple can learn to enhance their marriage to make it a more satisfying relationship; one that meets the needs and wishes of both of them. Couples can learn to overcome distance or bitterness that has crept into their relationship.

One of the most useful ways to improve communication is scaling questions. Scaling questions will help you understand what kind of a marriage you each want. Begin by asking each other the following question: “On a scale of one to ten with one being “terrible” and ten being “perfect” where do we want our relationship to be?” Then ask, “Where on this same scale is our relationship right now?” 

         

You may be surprised to find that you differ on how “perfect” you want or expect the marriage to be and on what level you view it as being right now.  Women tend to expect a more nearly “perfect” relationship and they also are more tuned into the lacks in the relationship.

Next ask each other, “What specific things could we do within the next month, together or individually, that would move our marriage up the scale?” Women can usually answer this last question more easily than men can. Listen to what your partner says he or she needs and act on these requests. This alone can make a difference in your marriage. For example, you may get more intimate conversation as you enjoy one of your husband’s hobbies with him. 

         

To further understand your marriage, answer and discuss these questions:

1. Do we need to spend more time together? How much? What is the best use of our time together? What time of day do you prefer we spend together?

2. Do we need to talk more with each other? What is meaningful communication?  What have I done in the past that ruined meaningful communication? What are some positive things I’ve done during conversations in the past?

3. Am I keeping my verbal commitments? What needs do you have that I could meet?  How can I help you?

 

4. Describe a “10” evening out together? What might I do that would ruin a “10” evening?

5. What is best about our relationship?

See Faithnotes blog post on Help for a Dull Marriage and you will learn other ways to enhance your marriage including the value of shared faith and praying together. The Faithnotes post on Smart Marriages gives information about marriage groups which are very helpful in enlivening marriage communication.

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10

Blessings, Dottie

Before You Divorce

Q. My marriage is in trouble. We have been married for ten years and have two children. Over the years we have lost the good feelings we had for each other. We argue a lot and we avoid each other. Recently my husband suggested we separate. Since we aren’t happy together he thinks we might as well get a divorce. I'm very upset about this and would like to work things out. I still care for him and I worry about how divorce will affect our children. What do you think? 

A. The decision to divorce is not one to be made lightly. Nor should it be made based on unhappy feelings alone. If you have a sore throat or the flu do you threaten to commit suicide? Of course not. You know that life will give you an occasional cold or an occasional bout with the flu. Most all marriages go through unhappy phases. Some couples with very serious marital problems have stayed together and found ways to work out their differences. Yet many couples threaten to “kill” their marriage at the first sign of “the sniffles.” 

         

We’ve been sold a bill of goods that divorce will solve our problems. If our marriage isn’t going the way we think it should, we’ll enjoy the single life and freedom again. Or we’ll find someone else who will love us or understand us better.

         

Divorce creates problems. It does not solve problems. Long range studies of the effects of divorce show that divorce is not just a brief crisis in the lives of those affected. Five years after divorce most families are still in great pain and turmoil. The statistics against divorce are formidable. Financially divorced parents struggle. This continues not just briefly but for six to ten years after divorce. Remarriage with children may make things worse as two families, often still hurting from divorce, struggle to blend and become one.

         

There is overwhelming evidence that divorce is very harmful to children of all ages.  Children of divorce are two to three times more likely to have behavioral problems. As adults they are less successful in their careers and in love relationships.

Tell your husband you still care about him and want to work things out. Don’t argue with him. Instead, listen and try and understand his point of view. Tell him your concerns about the effects of divorce on the children. Read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee. In this book children of every age speak about the fact that their parent’s divorce was devastating to them.

         

What can you do to solve things? Watch five videos called Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce available free on www.beforeyoudivorce. Urge your husband to watch these videos with you. The videos cover: the legal and financial impact of divorce, the physical, emotional and spiritual effects of divorce, the effects of divorce on children, forgiveness and reconciliation. Each video shows film clips of experts talking interspersed with couples telling their experiences. 

Some couples who have watched these videos have decided to stay together. Those who have decided to go ahead with a divorce have had a more peaceful divorce as a result of considering the effects of divorce before hand. I hope these ideas will convince you and your husband to work on your marriage. Reconciliation is hard work but it is less painful and less expensive than divorce and it enables couples to keep their wedding promises to each other and to God. 

Counseling with a Christian counselor or pastor along with The Third Option group for couples on the brink of divorce can help you work out the differences and conflicts in your marriage. Don’t give up. Divorce will compound your problems, not solve them.

“Each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

Blessings, Dottie

Divorce Misconceptions

Q. My wife and I have an unhappy marriage. I love my wife but I wonder if we should get divorced. I know it would hurt the kids but isn't our unhappiness and bickering also hurting them?

A.  There are many misconceptions about divorce and it’s effects on children as well as adults. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Julia Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee describes a study of the effects of divorce. Dr. Wallerstein interviewed sixty families at the time of their divorce and re-interviewed them five, ten, fifteen and twenty-five years later. The results reveal a number of major misconceptions about divorce.

              

The study showed that children are not happier after parents divorce even though they are no longer exposed to bickering and even if their parents may be happier. The facts show that children of divorce suffer greatly from anger, fear, sadness, depression, worry, rejection, conflicting loyalties, lowered self-esteem, anxiety, loneliness and even suicidal thoughts. 

              

The study also showed that divorce is not just a temporary crisis at the time of the divorce. Dr. Wallerstein says she did not see the whole picture until she interviewed these children as adults. She found that the child’s life was “profoundly altered by the divorce experience.” The child of divorce experiences many new relationships and changes: stepparents, step-siblings, second marriages, second divorces, and often a series of live-in lovers. The child experiences “a series of losses as people come and go.” Adult children of divorce say, “The day my parents divorced is the day my childhood ended.” 

              

Another misconception this study exploded was the idea that the best time to divorce is when children are very young. The facts show that the youngest children suffer the most. Young children are at an age when they need almost constant attention, protection and nurture. The turmoil of divorce does not provide this.

              

A fourth misconception is that the major impact of divorce occurs in childhood or adolescence. Wallerstein’s study showed that children of divorce suffer the most in adulthood. Due to the pain of their childhood losses children of divorce bring baggage into their intimate relationships. They may make poor relationship choices, give up too easily when problems occur, or avoid relationships. 

              

In addition adults are not immune to the pain of divorce. Even the person who most strongly wants out of a marriage will experience a period of grieving. Chris Cox, columnist for the Asheville (N.C.) Citizen Times, wrote about his own experience of divorce, “Divorce is a bomb that blows to shreds your sense of who you are and what you have become. It is a series of land mines, going off in your face when you least expect, the shrapnel of memories searing your heart.” He goes on to say, “You cannot escape the reality of loss. Rather, you must...soak in it, swim in it, absorb it..- in addition to letting go, once and for all, of the life you thought you had and the future that life implied.” 

              

Divorce affects friends and extended family relationships and brings pain and loss to friends, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews. Divorce is never a pain free solution. 

              

What can you do to begin to solve things?  Watch five videos called Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce available free on www.beforeyoudivorce.  Each video shows film clips of experts talking interspersed with couples telling their experiences. Ideas for resolving differences are also presented. Some couples who have watched these videos have decided to stay together. Those who have decided to go ahead with a divorce have had a more peaceful divorce as a result of considering the effects of divorce before hand. 

Counseling with a Christian counselor or pastor along with The Third Option group for couples on the brink of divorce can help you work out the differences and conflicts in your marriage. Don’t give up. Divorce will compound your problems, not solve them.

“Change your ways. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace.” 1 Cor. 13:11 NLT

Blessings, Dottie