Q. My wife and I have an unhappy marriage. I love my wife but I wonder if we should get divorced. I know it would hurt the kids but isn't our unhappiness and bickering also hurting them?
A. There are many
misconceptions about divorce and it’s effects on children as well as adults. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Julia
Lewis and Sandra Blakeslee describes a study of the effects of divorce. Dr.
Wallerstein interviewed sixty families at the time of their divorce and re-interviewed
them five, ten, fifteen and twenty-five years later. The results reveal a
number of major misconceptions about divorce.
The study showed that children are not happier after parents
divorce even though they are no longer exposed to bickering and even if their
parents may be happier. The facts show that children of divorce suffer greatly
from anger, fear, sadness, depression, worry, rejection, conflicting loyalties,
lowered self-esteem, anxiety, loneliness and even suicidal thoughts.
The study also showed that divorce is not just a temporary crisis
at the time of the divorce. Dr. Wallerstein says she did not see the whole
picture until she interviewed these children as adults. She found that the
child’s life was “profoundly altered by the divorce experience.” The child of
divorce experiences many new relationships and changes: stepparents,
step-siblings, second marriages, second divorces, and often a series of live-in
lovers. The child experiences “a series of losses as people come and go.” Adult
children of divorce say, “The day my parents divorced is the day my childhood
ended.”
Another misconception this study exploded was the idea that the
best time to divorce is when children are very young. The facts show that the
youngest children suffer the most. Young children are at an age when they need
almost constant attention, protection and nurture. The turmoil of divorce does
not provide this.
A fourth misconception is that the major impact of divorce occurs
in childhood or adolescence. Wallerstein’s study showed that children of
divorce suffer the most in adulthood. Due to the pain of their childhood losses
children of divorce bring baggage into their intimate relationships. They may
make poor relationship choices, give up too easily when problems occur, or
avoid relationships.
In addition adults are not immune to the pain of divorce. Even the person who
most strongly wants out of a marriage will experience a period of grieving. Chris
Cox, columnist for the Asheville (N.C.) Citizen Times, wrote about his
own experience of divorce, “Divorce is a bomb that blows to shreds your sense
of who you are and what you have become. It is a series of land mines, going
off in your face when you least expect, the shrapnel of memories searing your
heart.” He goes on to say, “You cannot escape the reality of loss. Rather, you
must...soak in it, swim in it, absorb it..- in addition to letting go, once and
for all, of the life you thought you had and the future that life
implied.”
Divorce affects friends and extended family relationships and
brings pain and loss to friends, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces
and nephews. Divorce is never a pain free solution.
What can you do to begin to solve things? Watch five videos called Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce available free on www.beforeyoudivorce. Each video shows film clips of experts
talking interspersed with couples telling their experiences. Ideas for
resolving differences are also presented. Some couples who have watched these
videos have decided to stay together. Those who have decided to go ahead with
a divorce have had a more peaceful divorce as a result of considering the
effects of divorce before hand.
Counseling with a Christian counselor or pastor along with The
Third Option group for couples on the brink of divorce can help you work out
the differences and conflicts in your marriage. Don’t give up. Divorce will
compound your problems, not solve them.
“Change your ways. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and
peace.” 1 Cor. 13:11 NLT
Blessings, Dottie
This is an excellent post. It tells me the "children are resilient" idea is a myth.Having went though my parent's divorce when I was in my early 20's I know how much hurt there can be because of breaking up a marriage.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. It's so sad how many children have been affected by divorce - and more to come. The divorce rate is high among Christians, also. I hope this will help a few couples think clearly about the importance of working on their marriage rather than choosing divorce.
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