Q. My
wife and I have some problems in our relationship which we need
to face. We
argue a lot and don’t know how to settle disagreements. I’ve been involved in
AA for several years and it has helped me stay sober. It has also done much
more than that. Through AA I have come
to a more meaningful understanding of my “Higher Power” - my God!
I’ve joined a church
and have found new purpose and meaning to life. My wife believes in God but she
doesn’t understand my new found faith. We’ve had a few arguments over this. I’m
hoping and praying we will grow together spiritually. We want to talk with a Christian
counselor. We can’t afford to pay much for counseling but we don’t want to talk
to a minister. Who could we talk to about these problems? What do you suggest?
A. The
problems you raise are important ones. Many of us need or want counseling in
relation to our spiritual questions and our spiritual growth. We feel a
yearning toward God and an interest in deepening our faith. We also want to be
able to share our faith with those closest to us.
Many of
us also know we need individual or marital counseling yet we want to see a
therapist who shares our faith. Talking with a therapist who has a similar
world view is especially important if you want to explore spiritual issues. To
do otherwise is like trying to communicate in two different languages. Some of
the meaning might be understood but much would be lost in the translation.
This does
not mean that a Christian counselor would impose their own views on
clients. As with secular therapists, the
treatment is guided by the client’s needs and wishes. However, in any therapy the counselor does
have a bias. Our beliefs and opinions are transmitted often without any words.
Your experience
with AA and your faith journey that resulted from this is a testimony to the
value of that program in helping alcoholics recover. Often after sobriety is
established there is need for marital counseling. Prior to that, problems were avoided
or drowned in alcohol. You will need to learn to stay out of arguments with
your wife - especially about spiritual issues. Arguments don’t solve anything. If
you can’t control your feelings postpone talking with your wife until you are
calm.
Use
mirroring when you do talk. Mirroring involves repeating back a summary of what
you heard her say before you give your opinion. She will listen to you when she
feels you understand and respect her opinions. What you do speaks louder than
what you say so live your new faith.
A
professional counselor will help you address the issues you have raised. You
will be free to explore your problems at your pace and according to your own
needs. The counselor will not solve the problems for you but will help you find
solutions that fit you both. In talking with the counselor you will come to a
better understanding of each other and of your relationship.
To find a
Christian counselor ask a pastor or call Christian counseling centers listed in
your phone book. It is essential that you find a counselor who has a Christian
worldview. There are also low cost Christian programs that can be very helpful
for marriages including The Third
Option, A Weekend to Remember and Marriage Encounter.
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3
Blessings,
Dottie
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