1. Therapists who are
incompetent in marital therapy. Many therapists have no training in working
with couples. They are trained in individual therapy in which they listen in a
laid back manner, are empathic and clarifying. Clients feel heard and learn to
think through concerns and plans. This approach works well with individuals but
not in marital therapy. A married couple who are in conflict need structure and
guidance. Their conflicts will overwhelm a passive counselor or one who doesn’t
know how to focus on the patterns of interaction. The counselor will often
decide the problem is due to individual pathology and suggest individual
counseling for each person.
Incompetent
therapists also will take sides and “beat up” on one of the partners. This frequently happens with men who aren’t
in touch with their feelings “they just want to save their marriage.” Again,
the counselor and wife decide they each need individual help.
2. Therapists who are
neutral about the marriage. A neutral therapist will ask questions like “What
are the pros and cons of staying versus leaving?” When someone is thinking of
getting out of a marriage they use the language of individual self-interest,
not the language of moral commitment. Neutrality undermines the marital
commitment couples have made to each other.
3. Therapists who
focus on pathology. One party in the marriage may go for help and the
counselor, hearing complaints about the spouse will label the spouse, sight
unseen, as “narcissistic” or “very dependent.” This shatters hope. Some
therapists even pathologize the reason a couple married suggesting the marriage
was a mistake from the beginning. Someone determined to work things out after
their spouse has an affair can even be pathologized for their loyalty. A new
pathology, Doherty says is ascribed to those who are “bored” with their
marriage.
4. Therapists who overtly
undermine the marriage. “If you’re not happy, why do you stay?” or “I can’t believe
you’re still married.” This suggests to the couple that they are basically
incompatible and there’s no way to help them. Undermining also occurs by direct
advice. For example: “I think you should separate” or “For your own health you
need to move out.”
Competent marital therapists
have studied Marriage and Family Therapy where they learned how “systems”
(groups of people such as couples and families) operate and they have had
supervision of their work. In marital therapy the
“patient” is the marriage. The main focus is on the relationship between the
couple and the patterns and problems there, rather than on the inner conflicts
or the childhood issues of each individual.
Couples seeking
help should ask a counselor about their training in marital therapy. Also ask about
the therapist’s attitude toward saving a marriage versus helping couples break
up. If they say they’re neutral, look elsewhere. You need a counselor who
values the marital commitment and focuses on the marriage relationship. Counseling
with a pastor or Christian counselor who firmly believes marriage is a life
long commitment to each other and to God will also avoid these issues.
Educational
programs in my opinion and in Dr. Doherty’s opinion are often more helpful than
marital counseling – especially Christian programs. I recommend you join The
Third Option, Marriage Encounter or Weekend to Remember. These programs will help you understand your differences and how to change things. The most difficult
issues can usually be worked out if both partners are committed to the marriage.
“Love each other with genuine affection,
and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT
Blessings,
Dottie
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