Q. My 13 year old daughter is already worrying about
wearing the "right" or "in" clothes. She is refusing to
wear the play shoes I bought her because they don't have a particular brand
name on them. She wants a pair of very expensive jeans (with the brand name). Ordinarily she is easy
to live with. Over this issue she seems determined and we are deadlocked. As a
single parent I can't afford the fancy brands and it bothers me that she can't
see that the name is unimportant. I don’t understand why this is so important
to her. How should I handle this?
A. Children and teenagers from about 5th grade on often
worry about "fitting in" with their crowd. Unfortunately, for many
young people appearances are used to
judge worth. This is because they are just beginning to figure out their own
identities apart from their parents.
They are also beginning to experience many changes in
their bodies and emotions as they physically mature. These changes are exciting
but also scary. To provide some security, preteens and teens cluster in peer
groups and the group does demand or value certain conformity in dress. In other
words, your daughter has no doubt discovered that her group, or the group to
which she aspires, wears the brand shoe or jean in question. Feeling socially
inept due to the many changes going on within her, the clothes do assist her
confidence.
Unfortunately, the manufacturers have also discovered this
and they manipulate very expensive tastes among young people. And you are
right; there is no reason for it. Often a $30.00 pair of shoes will wear just
as well as the $80.00 pair. The same is true for jeans.
So, what do you do about it? If you say a flat no you will
have a dejected child and she may make your life miserable. A power struggle at
this age is seldom worth the battle. If you say yes, you will be going against
your own beliefs and your own budget. When we "give-in" to our
children we resent it, they sense this and feel guilty. We may also lose
respect in their eyes.
The third alternative is best, though often over looked. Look for a unique solution that will
satisfy you both. For example, this may be a good time to give your daughter a
clothing allowance and let her spend it as she wishes. If she chooses the
expensive items she will learn the consequences and have fewer clothes.
Another alternative would be to give her the amount of
money you would normally spend on the item and let her put her own money with
this to buy the item she wants. She may need to baby sit for a neighbor in
order to afford these things. She will learn the value of money quickly once
she starts earning and spending her own dollars.
Perhaps you can think of some other unique solutions that will satisfy both of you.
Intelligent
people are always open to new ideas. In fact, they look for them. Proverbs 18:15 NLT
Blessings, Dottie
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