Q.
I’m wondering how marital therapy works as I believe this is quite
different from individual therapy. My wife and I saw a counselor for six
sessions this past year and it helped us a great deal. I’m still trying to
understand how and why it helped. I also wonder if we stopped too soon. We
aren’t as close to each other as we were at the time we stopped treatment
although our relationship is much better than when we began. What do you think?
A. You are accurate in your
assumption that marriage counseling is quite different from individual
counseling. In marriage counseling the “patient” is the marriage. The focus is
on the relationship between the couple and the patterns and problems there,
rather than on the inner conflicts or the childhood issues of each individual.
The focus is on the couple and their communication patterns, their resentments
or disappointments in each other and on the positive areas in their
relationship. The past may be explored to give the counselor some diagnostic
understanding of the couple but it is focused on only as it affects the
marriage today.
In marriage counseling the
counselor comments actively on the issues raised, focusing on the process that
is occurring between the couple. This is done in a non-blaming way, simply
helping the couple see the roles they assume in their relationship. Initially,
there may be a great deal of resentment or anger which needs to be dissolved.
The counselor helps couples hear the underlying hurt or pain behind the
anger.
As couples talk in the safety of
the counselor’s office, they gradually are able to let go of negative emotions.
They begin to see their relationship in a different way. They may discover new
meanings to their partner’s behavior. They may listen to each other and be able
to put themselves in the other’s place for the first time. They also may share
things never before revealed. All of this leads to a new level of intimacy.
Marriage counseling is not an
easy or painless procedure. It takes courage and a willingness to risk opening
up about painful issues. However, marriage counseling often produces dramatic,
positive results in a short period of time.
At best, brief marriage
counseling helps couples wipe the slate clean, heal old hurts, rediscover the
many positives in their relationship, and learn to communicate clearly and
openly. A method is learned but it needs to be put into practice on a daily
basis after the counseling ends.
Many couples who have been
through successful brief marriage counseling decide to return for further help
later on. Usually this is not due to a failure of the initial counseling
although the couple may fear this is so. Invariably, they have reached a new
snag, a new conflict, which has pulled them back into one of their past
dysfunctional patterns and they are ready for further growth.
If you and your wife feel you
have reached an impasse or have regressed to a state of chronic distance or if
resentments are building, then a return to counseling is indicated. Working on
your marriage is worth the pain and struggle. Both spouses grow through the
process and the marriage grows stronger. You, your children and your extended
family will benefit. Marriage counseling is worth the struggle and the cost.
Select a counselor who is trained
and skilled in marriage counseling. Choose a Christian counselor if you are a
Christian. The counselor’s worldview does make a difference.
“Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for
love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 NIV
Blessings, Dottie
Tags: psycho
info, marriage counseling, marriage problems
No comments:
Post a Comment