MOTHER - DAUGHTER CLOSENESS

Q. My daughter and I had a good relationship when she was a child, but in her teens she disliked everything I did and became very independent. This was difficult for me, but I knew I had to let go. Now, at age 25, she and I have become good friends again. The problem is this closeness happened after I was diagnosed with cancer. I’m afraid she’s involved out of guilt or duty rather than love, though she seems very loving. What is a normal adult relationship between a mother and daughter? Is it OK for us to be close?

A. One of the many myths about motherhood is the myth that mother - daughter closeness is unhealthy. Children need to learn to take care of themselves. When young they need to learn to dress and feed themselves. As children grow up they need to move out into the world of school and then work. In the process of all this they need to learn to think for themselves and communicate with others.

        

Children need to learn how to relate to others, how to connect, how to maintain relationships. Our society in recent decades has made a virtue out of independence. To be a mature adult we are to assert ourselves, be who we are, do our own thing and not “need” anyone else. 

        

Yet women long for connection and intimacy. We want this not only in our marriage but in all our relationships. A study found that “women do not want to separate from their mothers. They went to keep that relationship authentic and add other strong and close relationships.”  
    

We often mislabel connection and closeness, assuming its dependency. Much has been written about “enmeshed” or “fused” relationships. There is a difference between enmeshment and a healthy close relationship. An enmeshed or dependent relationship is based on an inability to think and act for oneself. In these “fused” relationships there is no room for disagreement, no room for differences of opinion or taste, no room for independent thinking or action.

        

A healthy, close relationship is based on love and trust. There is acceptance of the other person as a separate personality yet there is a loving bond that also unites you. It is a relationship of equals. There is give and take. Differences of opinion are not taken personally. 

We have been sold a bill of goods about the virtue of independence. We are social beings. We thrive when we are in relationships - close relationships. When we are isolated we become emotionally and physically sick. It is normal to want and need closeness.

        

It also is normal to feel sad when we lose a close relationship. It’s normal to feel sad when a child begins school, goes away to camp for the first time or goes off to college. We can feel sad about our loss yet also feel happy and excited about the future ahead for our child. 

        

Your daughter’s decision to be closer to you after you had cancer is OK.  Your illness was “a wake up call” to her that you won’t be with her forever. There is nothing wrong with this. We tend to take our closest relationships for granted until illness or misfortune strike. 

        

You are fortunate to have such a loving, close relationship with your daughter. It’s a precious gift we all want. Enjoy it this Mother’s day.

“Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10

Blessings, Dottie