MOTHER - DAUGHTER CLOSENESS

Q. My daughter and I had a good relationship when she was a child, but in her teens she disliked everything I did and became very independent. This was difficult for me, but I knew I had to let go. Now, at age 25, she and I have become good friends again. The problem is this closeness happened after I was diagnosed with cancer. I’m afraid she’s involved out of guilt or duty rather than love, though she seems very loving. What is a normal adult relationship between a mother and daughter? Is it OK for us to be close?

A. One of the many myths about motherhood is the myth that mother - daughter closeness is unhealthy. Children need to learn to take care of themselves. When young they need to learn to dress and feed themselves. As children grow up they need to move out into the world of school and then work. In the process of all this they need to learn to think for themselves and communicate with others.

        

Children need to learn how to relate to others, how to connect, how to maintain relationships. Our society in recent decades has made a virtue out of independence. To be a mature adult we are to assert ourselves, be who we are, do our own thing and not “need” anyone else. 

        

Yet women long for connection and intimacy. We want this not only in our marriage but in all our relationships. A study found that “women do not want to separate from their mothers. They went to keep that relationship authentic and add other strong and close relationships.”  
    

We often mislabel connection and closeness, assuming its dependency. Much has been written about “enmeshed” or “fused” relationships. There is a difference between enmeshment and a healthy close relationship. An enmeshed or dependent relationship is based on an inability to think and act for oneself. In these “fused” relationships there is no room for disagreement, no room for differences of opinion or taste, no room for independent thinking or action.

        

A healthy, close relationship is based on love and trust. There is acceptance of the other person as a separate personality yet there is a loving bond that also unites you. It is a relationship of equals. There is give and take. Differences of opinion are not taken personally. 

We have been sold a bill of goods about the virtue of independence. We are social beings. We thrive when we are in relationships - close relationships. When we are isolated we become emotionally and physically sick. It is normal to want and need closeness.

        

It also is normal to feel sad when we lose a close relationship. It’s normal to feel sad when a child begins school, goes away to camp for the first time or goes off to college. We can feel sad about our loss yet also feel happy and excited about the future ahead for our child. 

        

Your daughter’s decision to be closer to you after you had cancer is OK.  Your illness was “a wake up call” to her that you won’t be with her forever. There is nothing wrong with this. We tend to take our closest relationships for granted until illness or misfortune strike. 

        

You are fortunate to have such a loving, close relationship with your daughter. It’s a precious gift we all want. Enjoy it this Mother’s day.

“Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10

Blessings, Dottie

LONG DISTANCE MOM

 Q. My first husband and I had an amiable joint parenting agreement. The children adjusted easily to spending time in both homes. Everything changed a year ago when my second husband’s job transferred him to another state. We lost a custody battle and had to move a long distance away without my children. I am devastated. How can stay involved with my children? 

A. Losing custody of children and becoming a long distance parent is an overwhelming experience for many mothers and fathers. Divorce often leaves parents hurt, depressed and angry and this is especially true if a custody battle occurs. The “losing” parent may be dealing with mixed emotions about the break up of the marriage as well as the loss of daily contact with their children. Some parents then lose touch with their children rather than make an effort to stay connected. 

         

This is a huge mistake. Children need two parents. They need to know you both care about them. They need to know that both parents will always be involved in their life. You are to be commended for wanting to find ways to stay connected.

         

The issues you raise parallel the experiences of Pamela Payne, author of Building a Bridge. Her book is full of information about how to overcome the pain of separation from your children and learn to accept these changes in your life. It’s also packed with ideas about how to stay in touch with your children in spite of the geographic distance between you.

         

Here are just a few of her ideas about keeping in touch with your children. 

·       Answering Machines: Payne says leave a message even when there’s no answer. “I was driving to work, thought about you and I smiled!  Thanks for the smile!  I love you!  Bye.” Or “The school papers you sent were great!  Just thinking about you!”

·       Address Books: Keep an address book with names, addresses, phone numbers and e-mail addresses of your child’s other parent, extended family, friends, teachers, school, doctors, and dentists. Give your child an address book with information from both families. Encourage each child to call or write. Include in the Address book stamps and return address labels.

·       Books - Make a recording of you reading a book and send it to your child along with the book.  

·       Calendars - Make identical calendars for you and your child. Include on the calendars the dates you will be together and family birthdays. On page a day calendars you can write notes or write “I love you!”

·       Cameras - Encourage your child to take pictures of friends and activities and send copies to you. You should do the same and especially take lots of pictures of them while they’re visiting you. Give your children pictures of you for their rooms, and smaller ones to carry or to put up in their lockers at school. 

·       Same Time “Stuff”: Watch the same TV program or read the same magazine or book. Then you will have something interesting to talk about when you call.

Sunday is Mother’s Day. Let’s remember all the long distance Mom’s especially. No matter what your age or where you live, honor your mother this Sunday! Call her and tell her you love her. She loves you very much.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3 NIV

Blessings, Dottie