LONG DISTANCE MOM

 Q. My first husband and I had an amiable joint parenting agreement. The children adjusted easily to spending time in both homes. Everything changed a year ago when my second husband’s job transferred him to another state. We lost a custody battle and had to move a long distance away without my children. I am devastated. How can stay involved with my children? 

A. Losing custody of children and becoming a long distance parent is an overwhelming experience for many mothers and fathers. Divorce often leaves parents hurt, depressed and angry and this is especially true if a custody battle occurs. The “losing” parent may be dealing with mixed emotions about the break up of the marriage as well as the loss of daily contact with their children. Some parents then lose touch with their children rather than make an effort to stay connected. 

         

This is a huge mistake. Children need two parents. They need to know you both care about them. They need to know that both parents will always be involved in their life. You are to be commended for wanting to find ways to stay connected.

         

The issues you raise parallel the experiences of Pamela Payne, author of Building a Bridge. Her book is full of information about how to overcome the pain of separation from your children and learn to accept these changes in your life. It’s also packed with ideas about how to stay in touch with your children in spite of the geographic distance between you.

         

Here are just a few of her ideas about keeping in touch with your children. 

·       Answering Machines: Payne says leave a message even when there’s no answer. “I was driving to work, thought about you and I smiled!  Thanks for the smile!  I love you!  Bye.” Or “The school papers you sent were great!  Just thinking about you!”

·       Address Books: Keep an address book with names, addresses, phone numbers and e-mail addresses of your child’s other parent, extended family, friends, teachers, school, doctors, and dentists. Give your child an address book with information from both families. Encourage each child to call or write. Include in the Address book stamps and return address labels.

·       Books - Make a recording of you reading a book and send it to your child along with the book.  

·       Calendars - Make identical calendars for you and your child. Include on the calendars the dates you will be together and family birthdays. On page a day calendars you can write notes or write “I love you!”

·       Cameras - Encourage your child to take pictures of friends and activities and send copies to you. You should do the same and especially take lots of pictures of them while they’re visiting you. Give your children pictures of you for their rooms, and smaller ones to carry or to put up in their lockers at school. 

·       Same Time “Stuff”: Watch the same TV program or read the same magazine or book. Then you will have something interesting to talk about when you call.

Sunday is Mother’s Day. Let’s remember all the long distance Mom’s especially. No matter what your age or where you live, honor your mother this Sunday! Call her and tell her you love her. She loves you very much.

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3 NIV

Blessings, Dottie

UNDERSTANDING AND APPRECIATING MOTHERS

Q.  We have three children, ages 6, 8 and 10 and my wife works full time. The problem is she seems stressed out constantly even though I help her a great deal with the children and the chores. The children are affected by their mother’s moods. When she’s out of sorts, the children are at their worst. What can we do to have a happier, calmer family life?

A. Often mother’s moods set the tone for the family. This is because mothers usually have more responsibility for child rearing and a closer emotional tie to their children. In other words, it’s because mothers are so important to children. Mothers who work full time outside the home are faced with the formidable task of scrunching a full time job into the hours they are at home. The job at home is never done. There are always meals to prepare, laundry to be done, housecleaning needed, bills to pay, and child care.

Child care includes helping with homework, settling disputes, setting limits, supervising baths and bedtime routines, chauffeuring to activities, answering questions, deciding on requests, arranging medical and dental care. The list is endless. The mother of the family is expected to be cook, housekeeper, nanny, chauffeur, paramedic, policeman, interior decorator, purchasing agent, budget director, teacher, laundress, cheerleader, finder of all lost items, and dispenser of hugs and kisses.

         

Although most fathers, like you, are now helping a great deal with the child care and chores, the mom, in most instances, carries the major responsibility for making things go well at home. She is the one planning, organizing, remembering and scheduling the many tasks and activities of the family. 

         

Usually she is the one who is most torn between her duties at work and the needs of her children. This is because women are naturally care givers. They are sensitive to and focused on relationships. Men are able to compartmentalize their thoughts and feelings and be more focused on the task at hand. Men are naturally less emotional. In other words a mother’s moods are due to her more emotional nature and to the weighty job she manages as a mom.

         

There are a number of things husbands can do to help their wives and to make the family life run more smoothly. Don’t judge or criticize her. Instead, ask her what you can do to help ease things. Listen carefully to her answer and try to see things from her point of view. Plan together ways to simplify the tasks at home and make things easier and calmer for all of you. Recognize that a mother’s moods may be signs of exhaustion. She may be overwhelmed - at the end of her rope. When your wife is moody be comforting and affectionate. Offer to take over with the children and insist that she rest and unwind. 

         

A clever unknown author has suggested that mothers should be entitled to a complete overhaul every five years to keep them running smoothly. The author suggests that though most mothers can “run indefinitely on cheap fuel - coffee, pizza and hamburgers, an occasional gourmet meal in elegant surroundings will add to increased efficiency.”

         

The author goes on to say that a mother’s motor is very dependable. “She can start and reach top speed from a prone position at a single cry from a sleeping child. To keep that motor at peak efficiency regular breaks are recommended. A leisurely bath and nap every 1,000 miles, a baby sitter every 10,000 miles will do wonders.”....“Batteries should be recharged regularly. Unexpected gifts often do the trick.”...“Mothers need regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest and most appreciated.” 

         

Mothers are the heart of the family. Our mother’s love has shaped each one of us. This Mother’s Day let’s show our love and appreciation for all mothers. 

“Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

This post originally appeared on Taber’s Truths.