MOTHER - DAUGHTER CLOSENESS

Q. My daughter and I had a good relationship when she was a child, but in her teens she disliked everything I did and became very independent. This was difficult for me, but I knew I had to let go. Now, at age 25, she and I have become good friends again. The problem is this closeness happened after I was diagnosed with cancer. I’m afraid she’s involved out of guilt or duty rather than love, though she seems very loving. What is a normal adult relationship between a mother and daughter? Is it OK for us to be close?

A. One of the many myths about motherhood is the myth that mother - daughter closeness is unhealthy. Children need to learn to take care of themselves. When young they need to learn to dress and feed themselves. As children grow up they need to move out into the world of school and then work. In the process of all this they need to learn to think for themselves and communicate with others.

        

Children need to learn how to relate to others, how to connect, how to maintain relationships. Our society in recent decades has made a virtue out of independence. To be a mature adult we are to assert ourselves, be who we are, do our own thing and not “need” anyone else. 

        

Yet women long for connection and intimacy. We want this not only in our marriage but in all our relationships. A study found that “women do not want to separate from their mothers. They went to keep that relationship authentic and add other strong and close relationships.”  
    

We often mislabel connection and closeness, assuming its dependency. Much has been written about “enmeshed” or “fused” relationships. There is a difference between enmeshment and a healthy close relationship. An enmeshed or dependent relationship is based on an inability to think and act for oneself. In these “fused” relationships there is no room for disagreement, no room for differences of opinion or taste, no room for independent thinking or action.

        

A healthy, close relationship is based on love and trust. There is acceptance of the other person as a separate personality yet there is a loving bond that also unites you. It is a relationship of equals. There is give and take. Differences of opinion are not taken personally. 

We have been sold a bill of goods about the virtue of independence. We are social beings. We thrive when we are in relationships - close relationships. When we are isolated we become emotionally and physically sick. It is normal to want and need closeness.

        

It also is normal to feel sad when we lose a close relationship. It’s normal to feel sad when a child begins school, goes away to camp for the first time or goes off to college. We can feel sad about our loss yet also feel happy and excited about the future ahead for our child. 

        

Your daughter’s decision to be closer to you after you had cancer is OK.  Your illness was “a wake up call” to her that you won’t be with her forever. There is nothing wrong with this. We tend to take our closest relationships for granted until illness or misfortune strike. 

        

You are fortunate to have such a loving, close relationship with your daughter. It’s a precious gift we all want. Enjoy it this Mother’s day.

“Love each other with genuine affection and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10

Blessings, Dottie

What is the secret to closeness? 

Love involves knowing someone. We must allow the other person to know us and vice versa. The problem is most of us spend a great deal of time and energy avoiding being known. We share little about our deepest longings and beliefs. Self disclosure is difficult because we want so much to be loved. So we present ourselves in ways we think will be acceptable to the other person. We hide what we consider to be our flaws.

     

We also hide our inner self because we were never taught how to reveal it. Our parents didn't model this for us. Instead, we saw them in fixed roles that they had adopted in their distant past. We learned to adopt roles to conceal our inner selves.

     

We also hide to avoid change. Opening up to others requires changing our usual behavior. It changes our image of ourselves. It is much easier to continue to behave in routine ways and to never take risks in our relationships. 

     

To create a vital marriage it’s essential to reveal yourself. If you reveal yourself it will encourage your partner to do so. This means telling him or her your innermost feelings. It does not mean blasting him or her with anger. In order to get a rose bud to open up you do not pry open the petals. Human beings need gentle treatment. Start by commenting on things that please you or by telling him or her about happy events, or dreams or wishes.

Don’t expect this to help overnight. Your partner may not respond to this as you hope. In fact, you may get a response that upsets you. For example, your partner may laugh at your expression of feeling. If your partner laughs or reacts negatively this may simply mean the change in you scares or surprises him or her.

Handle any negative reaction you have to your partner’s response by revealing it without blaming. For example, you might say, "I was laughed at as a child and felt shamed and so your laughter bothered me." If possible give a specific example from your childhood. 

     

Another important reason to self disclose is that we don't know ourselves unless we open up.  When we hide things from others we end up also hiding them from ourselves. Hiding things takes a great deal of energy and puts our minds and bodies under stress. Although you would like your partner to open up to you, you can only work on your side of things and begin to open up to him/her. 

“God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love - like Christ in everything.”  Ephesians 4:15 The Message

Blessings, Dottie