CHRISTMAS AFTER DIVORCE

Q. I’m a single parent of two children. My husband asked for a divorce last January; the divorce was final in June and he remarried in July. I’m depressed about the breakup of my marriage and overwhelmed at the thought of celebrating the Holidays. The children are still adjusting to the changes - we’re now living in a small apartment and they see their Dad every other weekend. How can I get through the Holidays? I want to give my children a happy Christmas in spite of all the changes. What do you suggest?

A. The first Christmas after a loss or major change in a family is difficult for all concerned. We go through a grieving process with any loss - not just when someone dies. Christmas often intensifies feelings of depression or loss because it is “supposed” to be a happy family time. 

It’s helpful that you’re living in a different place this year. One reason grief intensifies at Christmas is due to memories from the past that include the person we’ve lost. Being in a different location, without all the reminders of the past will make it easier to not let memories intrude on current enjoyment. You may want to change some of your usual Christmas routines for this reason.

       

Recognize that this Christmas will be different than previous Christmases. Talk this over with your parents or other relatives who will be involved in celebrating with you. Relatives grieve when a divorce occurs in the family, so they are dealing with sadness also. They may hesitate to talk about their own grief unless you share yours. Sharing your feelings will help all of you through the grieving process. Do this as you plan for Christmas so all will be prepared for the ways in which this Christmas will be different.

       

Talk with the children also about plans for this Christmas and about the fact that it will be different without Daddy there. It’s OK for your children to see some of your tears or sadness. It may even help them share their pain. Explain to them that we all grieve when there is a loss. But also reassure them that you will all be OK.           

Give your children as much of your time and attention as you can. This may seem impossible with all you have to do. Include them in the planning for Christmas. Let them help with household chores as well as with shopping, gift wrapping, and decorating. A few minutes listening to them and enjoying them at bedtime can also make a big difference to a child. Give hugs, kisses and say “I love you.”

You must also be very good to yourself during this difficult period of time. Single parents carry a double load of responsibility anyway and then to add to this the grieving process that follows divorce plus the extra “work” of preparing for Christmas and the result can be overwhelming. 

       

There are many ways you can be good to yourself. Don’t expect things to be perfect. Do only what is essential. Take time for yourself. Spend time with friends who love you and who lift your spirits. Accept help from others. Don’t hide your feelings, share them. See a counselor if you have no one else you can talk openly with or if you are seriously depressed, anxious or overwhelmed.

Focus on the deep meaning of Christmas. An Advent calendar and   Christmas readings each day can be enjoyed by all of you. Most churches have special Christmas programs throughout the month. Take your children with you to these and enjoy the music and the deep meaning of Christmas.

I hope these ideas will help you have as Merry a Christmas as possible.

“For unto us a child is born…” Isaiah 9:6

Blessings, Dottie

 

GRIEVING AT CHRISTMAS

Q. My husband and I both lost a parent this past year as well as several aunts and uncles. We’re still grieving these losses and our children and grandchildren are also very upset. We thought we would grieve for a week or two or even for six weeks and then go on with our lives. We are Christians and we know our family members are with God, but our sadness continues. Our whole family is dreading Christmas day. What can we do to get through Christmas this year?

A. Losses are keenly felt at Christmas. When a family suffers a number of losses in one year the pain is further exaggerated. The fact that loved ones are not there cannot be ignored. It's normal to feel sad under these circumstances. Your family cannot have a completely happy Christmas this year, no matter what you do.

Although you can't avoid your sadness there are some things you can do to help all of you make it through the holidays. 

1. Change your traditions. Ask yourself what you want to do to celebrate the holidays this year. Give yourself permission to eliminate old traditions and to create new ones. Tell your adult children what you’ve decided. They may object to doing things differently but stick to what will help you.

2. If your losses are very recent or are still very raw, a trip away can help ease you through the holidays this year. You might celebrate Christmas in a different climate, at a resort or at an out of town family member’s home. A change in location even in town will help you avoid painful memories.

3. Go shopping and do Christmas chores on your good days. Shopping from catalogs and on line is also an option.

4. Don't expect to avoid all your pain. On your bad days allow yourself to feel sad, to cry and to miss those you have lost. The loss of close family members is a major loss and grieving takes time.

5. Don't try to protect others from your sadness. If you allow yourself to feel sad and to express your sadness this will give permission to them to also share their feelings.

6. Talk about the family members you're missing. We don't need to protect other family members by avoiding mention of those who are gone. Rather than detracting from the Holiday spirit, talking about your missing family members can help you become closer to each other as well as helping all of you grieve your losses.

                

Say things like, "Mom would have loved seeing the way the tree looks this year."  Or, "Remember when Uncle Bob dressed up like Santa and fooled even you, Dad?"  Ask your children what their favorite memories are of their grandmother. This will help them grieve their loss. Sharing happy memories of the one lost can be fun although also sad. 

                

7. Give gifts or money to a charity in memory of loved ones. Children and grandchildren can help decorate graves at Christmas. A Christmas letter written to each person you’ve lost can also help family members grieve. 

                

8. Give everyone permission to have a happy Christmas day. Use humor to lighten things. Being happy or forgetting about lost loved ones some of the time won't mean you're being disloyal. 

         

“Blessed are those who morn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

Blessings, Dottie

HELPING CHILDREN GRIEVE AT CHRISTMAS

Q. My husband died this past year after a brief illness. Until recently I thought my kids were handling their loss OK. Since Thanksgiving, however, each child has shown signs of grieving but none of them talk much about their Dad or about how they feel. 

Now I’m dreading the Holidays. How should I handle things so we won't be sad throughout December? What can I do to help the kids enjoy Christmas? I knew it would take time to recover and to grieve but when does it end?

A. Grieving is intensified during holidays, birthdays and anniversaries because of the memories from the past that involve the person we’ve lost. This is especially true the first Christmas after a loss. Christmas is a family time and a time when we enjoy being together. The absence of Dad accentuates the loss.

         

Grief is a process. It takes time to work through all the feelings involved in the loss of a primary relationship. We cannot just grieve for two weeks or even for six weeks. For most people it takes at least two years to grieve a major loss. 

This doesn’t mean you must be sad every day for two years. The sadness and depression of grief are cyclical. They come and go. It would be too painful to experience all the feelings at once. The stages of grieving - denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance allow us to work through our feelings little by little. We may move back and forth between these stages, each time resolving a bit more.

         

Your children are working through their grief each in their own way. This Christmas can be an important time for them to experience more of the depth of their loss and it can be a time to let go; to recognize that their father really is gone.

         

Talk with the children together and individually about Christmas. Listen carefully to how they’re feeling and what they would like to do both to remember and honor their Dad and to enjoy Christmas. Tell them it’s OK to enjoy Christmas; that their Dad would want them to do so. 

         

Don’t worry too much about avoiding grief or about making the day happy. While it’s OK to be happy in spite of your loss, it’s more important to allow yourself to feel your grief. It’s more important to be real than to pretend. You can model this to your children, letting them see some of your sadness while not overwhelming them with your feelings.

         

Plan one special time during the holidays in which you talk together about your loss.  Each of you might write a Christmas letter to your husband. Younger children could draw him a picture. Then share these with each other. A candle could be lit in his memory and all could share a favorite memory of him as you laugh and cry together.

         

You and the children don’t have to go through your grief alone. Take your children to a group for grieving children. There are a number of grief support groups available for children in various locations around the country. These grief support groups are child friendly, divided by age, with knowledgeable and caring leaders. Crafts and games encourage children to express their feelings about their loss. A concurrent parent’s group may also be available. A grief support group will help you and the children understand and express grief in a safe environment with the support of others. Then your future Christmases will be brighter.

If you and your family are Christians, your faith in life after death can also help you and the children work through your grief. As Christians you believe God had a good reason for taking him and you know you will see him again.

“I am the resurrection and the life, anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.” John 11:25

“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

Blessings, Dottie

See also Be The Miracle http://deloresliesner.com/2016/12/09/after-losing-a-child-christmas-and-new-traditions/