GRIEVING AT CHRISTMAS

Q. My husband and I both lost a parent this past year as well as several aunts and uncles. We’re still grieving these losses and our children and grandchildren are also very upset. We thought we would grieve for a week or two or even for six weeks and then go on with our lives. We are Christians and we know our family members are with God, but our sadness continues. Our whole family is dreading Christmas day. What can we do to get through Christmas this year?

A. Losses are keenly felt at Christmas. When a family suffers a number of losses in one year the pain is further exaggerated. The fact that loved ones are not there cannot be ignored. It's normal to feel sad under these circumstances. Your family cannot have a completely happy Christmas this year, no matter what you do.

Although you can't avoid your sadness there are some things you can do to help all of you make it through the holidays. 

1. Change your traditions. Ask yourself what you want to do to celebrate the holidays this year. Give yourself permission to eliminate old traditions and to create new ones. Tell your adult children what you’ve decided. They may object to doing things differently but stick to what will help you.

2. If your losses are very recent or are still very raw, a trip away can help ease you through the holidays this year. You might celebrate Christmas in a different climate, at a resort or at an out of town family member’s home. A change in location even in town will help you avoid painful memories.

3. Go shopping and do Christmas chores on your good days. Shopping from catalogs and on line is also an option.

4. Don't expect to avoid all your pain. On your bad days allow yourself to feel sad, to cry and to miss those you have lost. The loss of close family members is a major loss and grieving takes time.

5. Don't try to protect others from your sadness. If you allow yourself to feel sad and to express your sadness this will give permission to them to also share their feelings.

6. Talk about the family members you're missing. We don't need to protect other family members by avoiding mention of those who are gone. Rather than detracting from the Holiday spirit, talking about your missing family members can help you become closer to each other as well as helping all of you grieve your losses.

                

Say things like, "Mom would have loved seeing the way the tree looks this year."  Or, "Remember when Uncle Bob dressed up like Santa and fooled even you, Dad?"  Ask your children what their favorite memories are of their grandmother. This will help them grieve their loss. Sharing happy memories of the one lost can be fun although also sad. 

                

7. Give gifts or money to a charity in memory of loved ones. Children and grandchildren can help decorate graves at Christmas. A Christmas letter written to each person you’ve lost can also help family members grieve. 

                

8. Give everyone permission to have a happy Christmas day. Use humor to lighten things. Being happy or forgetting about lost loved ones some of the time won't mean you're being disloyal. 

         

“Blessed are those who morn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 5

Here are two books by Joni Eareckson Tada about time, aging, death, grieving and heaven that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

When is it Right to Die? Suicide, Euthanasia, Suffering, Mercy

By Joni Eareckson Tada

This book can be especially helpful to parents with a handicapped child. Joni Eareckson Tada, well known author and speaker, suffered a permanent spinal injury in a diving accident when she was in her teens. This book, written more than two decades later, addresses the difficult topics of suicide and euthanasia, suffering and mercy. 

The book is divided into three sections. Part 1. A Time to Live, Part 2. A Time to Choose, and Part 3. A Time to Die. Joni’s story and experiences run through out the book along with stories about others who are handicapped or dying. She offers practical and specific information and help for those who are depressed, considering suicide; those who want to die.

She speaks from her Christian faith with a strong belief in God and notes that Judiasm, Christianity, Islam and Buddhism all “recognize an intelligence behind moral evil.” He’s the devil. He was called the tempter by Jesus. There is no truth in him and his goal is death. Pg.97. The devil tells us all kinds of lies – “No one cares.” “There’s nothing more to expect from life.” “I can’t live with this depression.” And the biggest lie of all, “Nothing awaits me after death.”

This book published in 1992 continues to help people with handicaps, people with depression and those who are nearing death. There is excellent information in here from a Christian perspective. Joni’s life is a testimony in itself to the fact that every life has a God given purpose.

Heaven

By Joni Eareckson Tada

This is a beautiful, thoughtful, well written, and well researched book about Heaven as described in Scripture. The author, Joni Eareckson Tada, is a remarkable person. She is a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, has written a number of excellent books, is a national speaker, and has a ministry to disabled individuals. She pictures heaven in vivid, insightful and glorious images.

The book is divided into three parts.

1. What Will Heaven by Like?

2. Will Heaven be Home?

3. The Journey Home.

Throughout the book Joni gives illustrations from her own experiences and from the experiences of others, especially those with major handicaps. Chapter 5  Why Don’t We Fit on Earth? resonates with my own experiences. Our culture’s materialism, tasteless entertainment and corrupt morality cause me to feel this world is not my home. Joni writes “I’m a little like a refugee who is longing for a better country called heaven.” Pg. 98

Throughout the book Joni gives inspiring and thoughtful insights. For example “We are not only to ‘set our hearts on things above’ where Christ is seated, but set our minds on things above as well. That’s hard.” Pg. 127 She explains in detail why that’s hard and promises “we will have ‘the mind of Christ’ when we lay hold of Him and His ideas.” Pg.129 No book review can do justice to this book!

This is not an easy read. It must be read slowly and thoughtfully. It will challenge many Christians, especially Chapter 9 Getting Ready for Heaven and the scriptures about suffering. This book can be very helpful to anyone who is severely handicapped or who takes care of a handicapped person and wants to understand God’s perfect plan for their life.

It will give all readers a glorious view of our future home and help us focus on HIm!

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 1 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 2 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 3 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 4 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 4

Here are two books about aging, death and dying that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

Hard Choices for Loving People

By Hank Dunn

The subtitle of this book is: CPR, Artificial Feeding, Comfort Care, and the Patient with a Life Threatening Illness. This short (75 pages), informative book by Hank Dunn, a healthcare chaplain, presents clear and concise answers to the families of those nearing death. He notes that prior generations did not have feeding tubes, ventilators or CPR – so they were not faced with the choices facing many today as they age. He describes the issues in using these, pro and con, and offers clear steps to choosing the best route in a particular situation. The final chapter The Journey to Letting Be (23 pages) is the most valuable. This can be helpful to families as well as the person who is dying. He notes, “We will die whether we give up, let go or let be.” He hopes dying patients will have “a sense of being upheld by a loving God.”

Finishing Well to the Glory of God: Strategies from a Christian Physician

By John Dunlop, MD

Finishing Well to the Glory of God is a wonderful, beautiful, outstanding book. Dr. Dunlop offers nine strategies for finishing well beginning with #1 Live Well and #2 Let Go Graciously to #8 Switching Gears from Cure to Comfort Care and #9 Rest in Jesus. Every chapter (strategy) is thought provoking and instructive. Biblical teaching runs throughout helping the reader understand the Christian perspective on each subject. Each chapter ends with a beautiful prayer and meditation. Strategy #7 Make Appropriate Use of Technology details the medical choices we face today. In addition Appendix 2 offers Examples of Technology. The biblical teaching on God’s love, suffering, life and death defines the heart and soul of the Christian faith and will deepen the walk of every reader who digests these teachings. This is a valuable book to be studied, thought about, discussed, read and reread. Finishing Well is a unique and excellent guide that will help Christians live well and finish well to the glory of God.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 1 are here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 2 are here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 3 are here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven #3

Here are two books about heaven that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

Letters to Heaven by Calvin Miller

Letters to Heaven is a fascinating book. Calvin Miller writes to people who have preceded him in reaching eternity. Each person impacted his life. A number of the people he writes to are well known including C.S. Lewis, Todd Beamer, and Madeleine L’Engle. Many are unknown. The girl in the iron lung brings memories of polio, the most dreaded childhood disease in the 20^th Century. Another letter is written to a man who died beside him on a flight. He includes a letter to his mother and one to a brother who died in childhood. Miller's own experiences and wisdom weave throughout the book.

Calvin Miller was a pastor, a professor and a writer. I previously read his books Life is Mostly Edges (a memoir) and Letters to Young Pastors (both excellent). I wanted to read this book because he replied kindly when I sent him a copy of my book, Changing Churches. Also, I knew he recently went on to heaven himself. He impacted my life in a small but meaningful way.

HEAVEN: A World of Joy by Jonathan Edwards

I discovered this sixty-three page booklet in my church library and was intrigued to read what the famous preacher Jonathan Edwards had to say about heaven. Many have heard of his sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”

His thoughts on heaven are both simple and complex and all very beautiful. Citing 1 Corinthians 13:8-10 Edwards says “The doctrine I would desire to draw from this text is, that HEAVEN IS A WORLD OF DIVINE LOVE.” 

Edwards covers 

1. The great cause and fountain of love in heaven.

2. The objects of love in heaven.

3. The subjects of love in heaven.

4. The principle or essence of love in heaven.

5. The excellent circumstances in which love is exercised, expressed and enjoyed in heaven.

6. The happy effects and fruit of all this.

The circumstances he lists in chapter 5 inspired me.

1. Love in heaven is always mutual.

2. The joy of heavenly love shall never be interrupted or stifled by jealousy.

3. There shall be nothing within themselves to block or hinder the saints in heaven in the exercises and expressions of love.

4. In heaven love will be expressed with perfect decency and wisdom.

5. There shall be nothing external in heaven to keep its inhabitants at a distance from each other, or to hinder their most perfect enjoyment of each other’s love.

6. In heaven all shall be united together in very near and dear relations.

7. In heaven all shall have property and ownership in each other.

8. In heaven they shall enjoy each other’s love in perfect and uninterrupted prosperity.

9. In heaven all things shall combine to promote their love, and give advantage for mutual enjoyment.

10. The inhabitants of heaven shall all know that they will continue in the perfect enjoyment of each other’s love forever.

No more tears, no more night – the fullness of love given and received eternally. What a vision and promise for those who know Christ and have accepted him as Lord and Savior.

Readers can Google the title and find Jonathan Edwards book on line in its entirety.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 1 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 2 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven #2

Here are two books that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

When the Game is over

IT ALL GOES BACK IN THE BOX

By John Ortberg

It All Goes Back in the Box by John Ortberg, pastor and best selling author, is a clever and wise book about the fact that life is short and often our priorities are flawed and driven by plans for worldly success. Playing Monopoly with his grandmother taught Ortberg that when the game is over it all goes back in the box. This game metaphor for life continues throughout the book pointing out that the object in life is not to win houses, hotels, fame or fortune. The object for a Christian is to “be rich toward God.”

Ortberg gives a detailed game plan for living life intentionally and with significance. Chapter titles include Three Ways to Keep Score, Master the Inner Game, Resign as Master of The Board, and more. In the chapter titled No One Else Can Take Your Turn, Ortberg describes his experience playing doubles tennis with his father in a match they wanted to win. With a tied score, his first shot went outside the lines. It was all up to his second shot. There was no bench player who could take his place. There are no passes in life. Comparing life to a calendar he suggests we fill each day (square) with what matters most. Beware of Your Shadow Mission is also a significant chapter. We can think we’re in the will of God and be deceived. This is an excellent book that should inspire many Christians to live more intentionally. 

The full title points out that after a game is over (such as Monopoly) it all goes back in the box.

THE DAWN OF HOPE: Encouragement for those who grieve

By Eldyn Simons

The Dawn of Hope is a small book with a brilliant hope-filled message for all who grieve. The author, Eldyn Simons, recounts the loss of his sixteen year old son who died in a plane crash while on a summer student exchange trip to Peru. There is no loss more difficult than the loss of a child. There is no loss more difficult than the sudden loss of a child.

The author has walked this road of grief and knows the tremendous pain and suffering it entails. He teaches the importance of facing the pain as well as how to hang onto God and the hope that He offers.

In short chapters beginning with a scripture and ending with a poem and a prayer, Simons tells about the loss of his son and recounts other losses—the loss of a spouse, the loss of the older generation, even the loss of a child by miscarriage.

God led Simons on a “journey of wonder and discovery” after the darkest night of his soul. He says God “will take you to many unexpected places, places of which you may never even have dreamed…. He will teach us how to bear the pain, how to laugh again, how to once more taste life’s sweetness. He will never leave us.”

He also says, “Our responsibility is to hold fast to God, to snuggle close so nothing can come between us. His part is to cover us with his love, to encourage and nourish us with His life that we may be fruitful in our service to him, no matter what conditions surround us.” This is a marvelous little book for those who are grieving. This was published in 2000 so you may need to buy a used book.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving & Heaven #1 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving & Heaven

I’ll be reviewing a series of books on time, aging, death, grieving and heaven. This is part one. There’s much to learn here.

Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders 

by Mary Pipher, Ph.D.

Another Country is an outstanding, valuable book for anyone concerned about parents or grandparents who are aging and need help. The book is beautifully written – it’s a New York Times best seller. Pipher, a clinical psychologist, is knowledgeable about seniors and researched this subject extensively. She comments on the fact that our culture has changed dramatically – people are living longer yet our culture worships youth; families live at great distances from each other leaving grandparents isolated and alone.

Pipher offers many vignettes of adult children and their aging parents. Some of these stories demonstrate the helpfulness of a counselor in thinking through tough family decisions and in solving contentious family relationships.

Pipher invites us to overcome our aversion to thinking and talking about death and helps us understand elders. She says adult children live in “different time zones” from their parents and this causes difficulty understanding each other. Throughout the book she emphasizes the need for intergenerational community and offers ways to implement this. There is a wealth of information here for all generations to learn from and put to use in their relationships with each other. It is also a delightful book to read.

When Your Family’s Lost A Loved One: Finding Hope Together

By David and Nancy Guthrie

When Your Family's Lost A Loved One is a very insightful book about the difficult topic of grieving and loss. The Guthries share their experiences in losing two babies. In addition to telling their story of loss, they interview several others who have faced a difficult loss and they include information from experts. There are chapters on Her Grief, His Grief, Helping Kids Cope and ideas about handling birthdays, holidays and death days – and on remembering. This is a valuable resource for Christian families.

Beyond the Scars: Daring to Live Forward 

By F. Elaine Olsen

Beyond the Scars describes one woman’s journey of faith through the shock of a diagnosis of breast cancer, painful surgery, and difficult treatments. Olsen gives an honest, vulnerable account of her emotions and describes how she held onto her faith. She discoveed valuable faith lessons in her suffering – lessons that will help many others with any type of suffering. This beautifully written book contains forty devotional chapters with scripture, prayer and questions to ponder. Buy this for friends in similar circumstances.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie