PSYCH INFO: RECOVERY FROM GRIEF

Q. The sudden death of a friend of mine has devastated me and many others. I go from anger, to depression to feeling numb. I can’t eat or sleep and I keep thinking about the violence done to her. I’m confused as to why this happened. The world no longer seems rational or safe. What can I do to get back to normal?

A. The death of a loved one is more difficult to accept when it happens to someone in the prime of life and when it is due to a violent act on the part of another person. There was no illness, no time to prepare for the loss of your friend and it is difficult to understand how anyone could or would deliberately kill her.

        

Your anger, shock and grief are normal reactions to this loss. A range of emotions and reactions accompany loss - anger, guilt, sadness, fear, as wells as difficulty eating, sleeping and concentrating. Confusion about the meaning of life also is common. We wonder, why would God allow this? The reality of death and our own vulnerability is something we can no longer deny.

        

Grieving is a process and it takes time. You will have days in which sadness and tears overwhelm you. You will have days in which you push back your feelings about it and feel numb. The numb periods are necessary in order to continue to function, do your job, take care of family needs and get some relief from the inner pain. It is essential though that you allow yourself to grieve. Choose times when you can let your feelings out. Talk over your feelings with a friend and cry on their shoulder. No one should grieve alone. 

        

You may experience regrets and guilt feelings about your friendship - wishing you had been more helpful or supportive. These are normal reactions to grief. Talk or write out these feelings of grief. Focus on happy memories also, not just on your regrets.

        

You may replay in your mind the events surrounding her death or have nightmares about this. Your heart and soul are trying to face the reality of what has happened. Talk and write about your most fearful thoughts. During the day time when you need to work, use thought stopping to turn off the fearful thoughts or images. Thought stopping involves talking back to the thoughts with a comforting thought (such as “God is my refuge and strength”) or replacing a negative image with a positive one. There are a number of other things you can do:

 If you are unable to eat or sleep, are depressed and unable to work, medication and counseling can help you function. Counseling is essential if extreme symptoms continue very long. 

Attend a grief support group. Grief Share, an excellent group, is available at many churches.

Read books on grief. A few if these are: Where Is God When It Hurts? by Philip Yancey, Recovering from the Losses of Life by H. Norman Wright, When Life Changed Forever by Rick Taylor, Roses in December by Marilyn Heavilin, Confessions of a Grieving Christian by Zig Ziglar, Splashes of Joy in the Cesspools of Life by Barbara Johnson and Dawn of Hope by Eldyn Simons. 

 Hang onto your faith. Turn to God through prayer, scripture and your church for help and support. Faith gives us hope and comfort in difficult times. 

“You are my hiding place; You shall preserve me from trouble; You shall surround me with songs of deliverance.” Psalm 32:7

Blessings, Dottie

CARING FOR A DYING LOVED ONE

Q. My sisters and I are taking turns caring for our elderly mother who is very sick and not expected to recover. She has been declining for the past year and requires a great deal of care. It bothers me that my sisters talk about Mom as though she were already dead. I guess we’re all wishing she would die soon because we’re worn out by her care. I feel terrible for having said that but that’s how I’m feeling. What can I do to handle this better?

 A. You and your sisters are already grieving the loss of your mother.  This kind of grief is called “anticipatory grief.” It’s a normal part of the grief process which occurs when a person lingers for months on end.  Our minds are preparing us for the loss. 

    

Caring for an elderly, dying family member is often overwhelming for the caregivers. They love their family member and want to provide care but the added responsibilities along with the emotions involved, create major stress. Caregivers continue to meet the needs in their own families and many also have full time jobs. As a result marriages suffer from neglect and time for oneself is only a fleeting memory. 

    

It’s no wonder you find yourself wishing for your mother to hurry up and die. This does not indicate a lack of care for her. In fact, it may be a sign of your love for her since the quality of her life is minimal now.  Here are some things you and your sisters can do that will help.

    

1.  Allow yourselves to grieve, each in your own way. Be accepting of each other’s grieving styles. Grieving isn’t a one time event, it’s a process. Though grieving is painful it will relieve some of the stress you’re under. Face your Mom’s coming death and let your tears flow as you feel the sadness. 

2. Grieve together. Share your tears with your husband, your sisters, other close family members and close friends. Talk about your concerns and fears about her care. Don’t ignore any issue. However, don’t dwell only on the pain and the problems. Talk also about happy and humorous memories of your loved one.

    

3. If your mother is mentally alert, talk with her about her dying. Listen for her to bring this up or gently do so yourself. It can relieve the dying person to know you are facing this loss and accepting her passing. It may even give her permission to stop fighting for life when there is no hope. 

    

4. Tell your Mom how much you love her and what you appreciate about her. Ask her for forgiveness for ways you’ve hurt her and tell her you have forgiven her for any hurts she’s caused you. Settle all accounts with her. It will help you both. Tell her all this even if you’re not sure she can now understand you. Her spirit will hear you.

    

5. Take time off from caring for your Mom without feeling guilty. If you’re attempting to help on a daily basis over a lengthy period of time, ask other family members or close friends to relieve you for a day or two each week. Maintain outside interests. Make time for yourself and for your marriage.

6. Share your pain with God. We are conditioned to pray for health and healing so it seems some how wrong to ask God to take our loved one. But it’s not. God knows our hearts and accepts our deepest emotions. 

    

7. Hang onto your faith. We don’t understand God’s ways. Ask him to help you through these tough times.  Psalm 23 can help also. 

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Preparing for Death

Q.  The unrest in our world today with terrorism, riots, massive immigrants flooding into Europe, as well as droughts, forest fires and earth quakes, make me worry about the future. I’m in my forties with a family and a career. My life is busy and full. The instant uprooting of people from their home and country, the many deaths by terrorism and the divisiveness of our own country are disconcerting. I know death is inevitable for everyone but now I realize not everyone makes it to old age.

I worry what would happen to my children if I died tomorrow. I wonder how I would handle the sudden death of my wife or a child. How can I get over these worries? What can I do to regain peace of mind?

A. Most of us avoid thinking about death. We know we’re going to die but we don’t really believe it. In fact, our culture encourages a denial of death, at least until we’re sick or elderly. We’re focused on the daily necessities such as such as earning a living, paying our mortgage, caring for our children. We’re overwhelmed with a multitude of details of life - car and home repair, cooking, laundry, chauffeuring kids, business trips and PTA meetings. The list is endless. We seldom take the time to think about life and death issues.

The many issues in the world news serve to wake us up. These events remind us that the length of our life on earth is not guaranteed. Our life is a gift that we need to cherish and use wisely. The reality of death helps us recognize the value of life. Faith in eternal life helps dispel worries about dying. I’ll say more on that later.  

First there are some tasks that will help you prepare for death. It’s essential for everyone to have a will - even if you have little or no money. If you have young children specify in your will who you would like to be their care takers if both parents should die. For example, you may have two sisters but one is closer to the children and willing to do this. It’s best to have your will done by a lawyer. 

         

You may want to write letters to your children to be given to them at significant times in their life - graduation from high school or their wedding for example. Though you will probably be present at the time, write these letters now for added peace of mind. 

         

Make peace with your loved ones. If you have failed to forgive someone - do so now. If you have hurt someone and not asked for their forgiveness - do so now. If you have failed to tell loved ones that you love them - do so now. These may not be easy steps but they will make your life more meaningful and you will be at peace about your death whenever it comes. Forgive yourself, also. No one leads a perfect life.

         

We need to plan for our own death. If you knew you only had a week, a month or a year to live what would you need or want to do in the time you have left? Talk these issues over with your wife. 

         

Cherish each day. Make relationships and giving to others a priority. Help others in need. Slow down so you can appreciate the beauty of our world and the joy in loving moments. 

         

Turn to God. Faith in God is the best antidote to fear of death. Pray, read scripture, find a church that lifts your spirits and loves you and that also answers your questions about life and death. Seek God and He will give you peace. 

The greatest peace will come to you when you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Then you will be certain of eternal life. You will live forever with Him.

“God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but will have eternal life.” John 3:16 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

See also Books on Life, Aging, Death, Grieving #4

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 5

Here are two books by Joni Eareckson Tada about time, aging, death, grieving and heaven that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

When is it Right to Die? Suicide, Euthanasia, Suffering, Mercy

By Joni Eareckson Tada

This book can be especially helpful to parents with a handicapped child. Joni Eareckson Tada, well known author and speaker, suffered a permanent spinal injury in a diving accident when she was in her teens. This book, written more than two decades later, addresses the difficult topics of suicide and euthanasia, suffering and mercy. 

The book is divided into three sections. Part 1. A Time to Live, Part 2. A Time to Choose, and Part 3. A Time to Die. Joni’s story and experiences run through out the book along with stories about others who are handicapped or dying. She offers practical and specific information and help for those who are depressed, considering suicide; those who want to die.

She speaks from her Christian faith with a strong belief in God and notes that Judiasm, Christianity, Islam and Buddhism all “recognize an intelligence behind moral evil.” He’s the devil. He was called the tempter by Jesus. There is no truth in him and his goal is death. Pg.97. The devil tells us all kinds of lies – “No one cares.” “There’s nothing more to expect from life.” “I can’t live with this depression.” And the biggest lie of all, “Nothing awaits me after death.”

This book published in 1992 continues to help people with handicaps, people with depression and those who are nearing death. There is excellent information in here from a Christian perspective. Joni’s life is a testimony in itself to the fact that every life has a God given purpose.

Heaven

By Joni Eareckson Tada

This is a beautiful, thoughtful, well written, and well researched book about Heaven as described in Scripture. The author, Joni Eareckson Tada, is a remarkable person. She is a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, has written a number of excellent books, is a national speaker, and has a ministry to disabled individuals. She pictures heaven in vivid, insightful and glorious images.

The book is divided into three parts.

1. What Will Heaven by Like?

2. Will Heaven be Home?

3. The Journey Home.

Throughout the book Joni gives illustrations from her own experiences and from the experiences of others, especially those with major handicaps. Chapter 5  Why Don’t We Fit on Earth? resonates with my own experiences. Our culture’s materialism, tasteless entertainment and corrupt morality cause me to feel this world is not my home. Joni writes “I’m a little like a refugee who is longing for a better country called heaven.” Pg. 98

Throughout the book Joni gives inspiring and thoughtful insights. For example “We are not only to ‘set our hearts on things above’ where Christ is seated, but set our minds on things above as well. That’s hard.” Pg. 127 She explains in detail why that’s hard and promises “we will have ‘the mind of Christ’ when we lay hold of Him and His ideas.” Pg.129 No book review can do justice to this book!

This is not an easy read. It must be read slowly and thoughtfully. It will challenge many Christians, especially Chapter 9 Getting Ready for Heaven and the scriptures about suffering. This book can be very helpful to anyone who is severely handicapped or who takes care of a handicapped person and wants to understand God’s perfect plan for their life.

It will give all readers a glorious view of our future home and help us focus on HIm!

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 1 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 2 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 3 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 4 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 4

Here are two books about aging, death and dying that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

Hard Choices for Loving People

By Hank Dunn

The subtitle of this book is: CPR, Artificial Feeding, Comfort Care, and the Patient with a Life Threatening Illness. This short (75 pages), informative book by Hank Dunn, a healthcare chaplain, presents clear and concise answers to the families of those nearing death. He notes that prior generations did not have feeding tubes, ventilators or CPR – so they were not faced with the choices facing many today as they age. He describes the issues in using these, pro and con, and offers clear steps to choosing the best route in a particular situation. The final chapter The Journey to Letting Be (23 pages) is the most valuable. This can be helpful to families as well as the person who is dying. He notes, “We will die whether we give up, let go or let be.” He hopes dying patients will have “a sense of being upheld by a loving God.”

Finishing Well to the Glory of God: Strategies from a Christian Physician

By John Dunlop, MD

Finishing Well to the Glory of God is a wonderful, beautiful, outstanding book. Dr. Dunlop offers nine strategies for finishing well beginning with #1 Live Well and #2 Let Go Graciously to #8 Switching Gears from Cure to Comfort Care and #9 Rest in Jesus. Every chapter (strategy) is thought provoking and instructive. Biblical teaching runs throughout helping the reader understand the Christian perspective on each subject. Each chapter ends with a beautiful prayer and meditation. Strategy #7 Make Appropriate Use of Technology details the medical choices we face today. In addition Appendix 2 offers Examples of Technology. The biblical teaching on God’s love, suffering, life and death defines the heart and soul of the Christian faith and will deepen the walk of every reader who digests these teachings. This is a valuable book to be studied, thought about, discussed, read and reread. Finishing Well is a unique and excellent guide that will help Christians live well and finish well to the glory of God.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 1 are here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 2 are here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 3 are here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven #3

Here are two books about heaven that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

Letters to Heaven by Calvin Miller

Letters to Heaven is a fascinating book. Calvin Miller writes to people who have preceded him in reaching eternity. Each person impacted his life. A number of the people he writes to are well known including C.S. Lewis, Todd Beamer, and Madeleine L’Engle. Many are unknown. The girl in the iron lung brings memories of polio, the most dreaded childhood disease in the 20^th Century. Another letter is written to a man who died beside him on a flight. He includes a letter to his mother and one to a brother who died in childhood. Miller's own experiences and wisdom weave throughout the book.

Calvin Miller was a pastor, a professor and a writer. I previously read his books Life is Mostly Edges (a memoir) and Letters to Young Pastors (both excellent). I wanted to read this book because he replied kindly when I sent him a copy of my book, Changing Churches. Also, I knew he recently went on to heaven himself. He impacted my life in a small but meaningful way.

HEAVEN: A World of Joy by Jonathan Edwards

I discovered this sixty-three page booklet in my church library and was intrigued to read what the famous preacher Jonathan Edwards had to say about heaven. Many have heard of his sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”

His thoughts on heaven are both simple and complex and all very beautiful. Citing 1 Corinthians 13:8-10 Edwards says “The doctrine I would desire to draw from this text is, that HEAVEN IS A WORLD OF DIVINE LOVE.” 

Edwards covers 

1. The great cause and fountain of love in heaven.

2. The objects of love in heaven.

3. The subjects of love in heaven.

4. The principle or essence of love in heaven.

5. The excellent circumstances in which love is exercised, expressed and enjoyed in heaven.

6. The happy effects and fruit of all this.

The circumstances he lists in chapter 5 inspired me.

1. Love in heaven is always mutual.

2. The joy of heavenly love shall never be interrupted or stifled by jealousy.

3. There shall be nothing within themselves to block or hinder the saints in heaven in the exercises and expressions of love.

4. In heaven love will be expressed with perfect decency and wisdom.

5. There shall be nothing external in heaven to keep its inhabitants at a distance from each other, or to hinder their most perfect enjoyment of each other’s love.

6. In heaven all shall be united together in very near and dear relations.

7. In heaven all shall have property and ownership in each other.

8. In heaven they shall enjoy each other’s love in perfect and uninterrupted prosperity.

9. In heaven all things shall combine to promote their love, and give advantage for mutual enjoyment.

10. The inhabitants of heaven shall all know that they will continue in the perfect enjoyment of each other’s love forever.

No more tears, no more night – the fullness of love given and received eternally. What a vision and promise for those who know Christ and have accepted him as Lord and Savior.

Readers can Google the title and find Jonathan Edwards book on line in its entirety.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 1 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 2 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven #2

Here are two books that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

When the Game is over

IT ALL GOES BACK IN THE BOX

By John Ortberg

It All Goes Back in the Box by John Ortberg, pastor and best selling author, is a clever and wise book about the fact that life is short and often our priorities are flawed and driven by plans for worldly success. Playing Monopoly with his grandmother taught Ortberg that when the game is over it all goes back in the box. This game metaphor for life continues throughout the book pointing out that the object in life is not to win houses, hotels, fame or fortune. The object for a Christian is to “be rich toward God.”

Ortberg gives a detailed game plan for living life intentionally and with significance. Chapter titles include Three Ways to Keep Score, Master the Inner Game, Resign as Master of The Board, and more. In the chapter titled No One Else Can Take Your Turn, Ortberg describes his experience playing doubles tennis with his father in a match they wanted to win. With a tied score, his first shot went outside the lines. It was all up to his second shot. There was no bench player who could take his place. There are no passes in life. Comparing life to a calendar he suggests we fill each day (square) with what matters most. Beware of Your Shadow Mission is also a significant chapter. We can think we’re in the will of God and be deceived. This is an excellent book that should inspire many Christians to live more intentionally. 

The full title points out that after a game is over (such as Monopoly) it all goes back in the box.

THE DAWN OF HOPE: Encouragement for those who grieve

By Eldyn Simons

The Dawn of Hope is a small book with a brilliant hope-filled message for all who grieve. The author, Eldyn Simons, recounts the loss of his sixteen year old son who died in a plane crash while on a summer student exchange trip to Peru. There is no loss more difficult than the loss of a child. There is no loss more difficult than the sudden loss of a child.

The author has walked this road of grief and knows the tremendous pain and suffering it entails. He teaches the importance of facing the pain as well as how to hang onto God and the hope that He offers.

In short chapters beginning with a scripture and ending with a poem and a prayer, Simons tells about the loss of his son and recounts other losses—the loss of a spouse, the loss of the older generation, even the loss of a child by miscarriage.

God led Simons on a “journey of wonder and discovery” after the darkest night of his soul. He says God “will take you to many unexpected places, places of which you may never even have dreamed…. He will teach us how to bear the pain, how to laugh again, how to once more taste life’s sweetness. He will never leave us.”

He also says, “Our responsibility is to hold fast to God, to snuggle close so nothing can come between us. His part is to cover us with his love, to encourage and nourish us with His life that we may be fruitful in our service to him, no matter what conditions surround us.” This is a marvelous little book for those who are grieving. This was published in 2000 so you may need to buy a used book.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving & Heaven #1 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving & Heaven

I’ll be reviewing a series of books on time, aging, death, grieving and heaven. This is part one. There’s much to learn here.

Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders 

by Mary Pipher, Ph.D.

Another Country is an outstanding, valuable book for anyone concerned about parents or grandparents who are aging and need help. The book is beautifully written – it’s a New York Times best seller. Pipher, a clinical psychologist, is knowledgeable about seniors and researched this subject extensively. She comments on the fact that our culture has changed dramatically – people are living longer yet our culture worships youth; families live at great distances from each other leaving grandparents isolated and alone.

Pipher offers many vignettes of adult children and their aging parents. Some of these stories demonstrate the helpfulness of a counselor in thinking through tough family decisions and in solving contentious family relationships.

Pipher invites us to overcome our aversion to thinking and talking about death and helps us understand elders. She says adult children live in “different time zones” from their parents and this causes difficulty understanding each other. Throughout the book she emphasizes the need for intergenerational community and offers ways to implement this. There is a wealth of information here for all generations to learn from and put to use in their relationships with each other. It is also a delightful book to read.

When Your Family’s Lost A Loved One: Finding Hope Together

By David and Nancy Guthrie

When Your Family's Lost A Loved One is a very insightful book about the difficult topic of grieving and loss. The Guthries share their experiences in losing two babies. In addition to telling their story of loss, they interview several others who have faced a difficult loss and they include information from experts. There are chapters on Her Grief, His Grief, Helping Kids Cope and ideas about handling birthdays, holidays and death days – and on remembering. This is a valuable resource for Christian families.

Beyond the Scars: Daring to Live Forward 

By F. Elaine Olsen

Beyond the Scars describes one woman’s journey of faith through the shock of a diagnosis of breast cancer, painful surgery, and difficult treatments. Olsen gives an honest, vulnerable account of her emotions and describes how she held onto her faith. She discoveed valuable faith lessons in her suffering – lessons that will help many others with any type of suffering. This beautifully written book contains forty devotional chapters with scripture, prayer and questions to ponder. Buy this for friends in similar circumstances.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

The Resurrection

Do you remember what the world looked like in February? Here’s a picture of my rose bushes – there were no roses under the snow. Nothing was there but dead branches.


I attended four funerals in May – all were funerals of faithful Christians. While funerals are not my favorite pastime they aren’t the worst activity either. I went to each funeral to show love and support for the family members, but each funeral also blessed me because of the faith of each family.

Losses are difficult and painful. Yet each of the four families spoke with hope and faith about the loved one now being with God. The fact that these were Christian funerals made them a time of celebration, hope and rejoicing as well as a time of sadness at the loss of each person.

I’ve been to funerals where the families were without faith. These are really sad affairs. You live and you die and that’s it. There’s no eternal purpose to life. And certainly, there’s no eternal life afterward. The song, “If You Could See Me Now,” was played two of the funerals. The chorus of this song says

If you could see me now…
You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place,
If you could only see me now.

Nature reveals the truth of the resurrection, I believe. Remember how my roses looked in February? Here’s how they look now. How can we see these evidences in nature and not believe? This takes more faith than believing does.

Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.” John 11:25

Blessings, Dottie