Q. My sisters and I are taking
turns caring for our elderly mother who is very sick and not expected to
recover. She has been declining for the past year and requires a great deal of
care. It bothers me that my sisters talk about Mom as though she were already
dead. I guess we’re all wishing she would die soon because we’re worn out by
her care. I feel terrible for having said that but that’s how I’m feeling. What
can I do to handle this better?
A. You and your sisters are already grieving
the loss of your mother. This kind of
grief is called “anticipatory grief.” It’s a normal part of the grief process
which occurs when a person lingers for months on end. Our minds are preparing us for the loss.
Caring for an elderly, dying
family member is often overwhelming for the caregivers. They love their family
member and want to provide care but the added responsibilities along with the
emotions involved, create major stress. Caregivers continue to meet the needs
in their own families and many also have full time jobs. As a result marriages
suffer from neglect and time for oneself is only a fleeting memory.
It’s no wonder you find
yourself wishing for your mother to hurry up and die. This does not indicate a
lack of care for her. In fact, it may be a sign of your love for her since the
quality of her life is minimal now. Here
are some things you and your sisters can do that will help.
1. Allow yourselves to grieve, each in your own
way. Be accepting of each other’s grieving styles. Grieving isn’t a one time
event, it’s a process. Though grieving is painful it will relieve some of the
stress you’re under. Face your Mom’s coming death and let your tears flow as
you feel the sadness.
2. Grieve together. Share your
tears with your husband, your sisters, other close family members and close
friends. Talk about your concerns and fears about her care. Don’t ignore any
issue. However, don’t dwell only on the pain and the problems. Talk also about
happy and humorous memories of your loved one.
3. If your mother is mentally
alert, talk with her about her dying. Listen for her to bring this up or gently
do so yourself. It can relieve the dying person to know you are facing this
loss and accepting her passing. It may even give her permission to stop
fighting for life when there is no hope.
4. Tell your Mom how much you
love her and what you appreciate about her. Ask her for forgiveness for ways
you’ve hurt her and tell her you have forgiven her for any hurts she’s caused
you. Settle all accounts with her. It will help you both. Tell her all this
even if you’re not sure she can now understand you. Her spirit will hear you.
5. Take time off from caring
for your Mom without feeling guilty. If you’re attempting to help on a daily basis
over a lengthy period of time, ask other family members or close friends to
relieve you for a day or two each week. Maintain outside interests. Make time
for yourself and for your marriage.
6. Share your pain with God. We are conditioned to pray for health and healing so it
seems some how wrong to ask God to take our loved one. But it’s not. God
knows our hearts and accepts our deepest emotions.
7. Hang onto your faith. We
don’t understand God’s ways. Ask him to help you through these tough times. Psalm 23 can help also.
“Even
though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for
you are with me.” Psalm 23:4
Blessings, Dottie
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