Q. It seems to me that more and more people are
emotionally immature. We hear about road
rage, child abuse and outrageous competitive behavior by parents at their
children’s soccer games. What is emotional maturity and how can we instill it
in our children?
A. Emotional maturity is lacking in many people
today. We are tempted to tell them to “grow up”, if only just saying this would
make it happen. William C. Menninger, MD, noted psychiatrist, lists seven Criteria
of Emotional Maturity. These are excellent guidelines to judge and guide our
quest for maturity in ourselves, and in our children. The comments following
each of these are my own understanding and thoughts.
1. The
ability to deal constructively with reality. Individuals with this
trait are able to face the truth about them self and to see the world
realistically. For example, when given a
bad review at work they will remain rational, though inwardly in turmoil. They
will attempt to understand and grow from the criticism if it is valid.
2. The
capacity to adapt to change. Change is inevitable in life. The mature
person lets go of the past and moves forward in the direction change takes
them. This isn’t necessarily easy even for the mature person, depending on the
significance of the change.
3. A
relative freedom from symptoms that are produced by tensions and anxieties. The
emotionally mature person is able to function in the world even though they may
have some anxious or tearful times, occasional insomnia or minor physical
symptoms. They go to work and do their job in spite of tension or anxiety.
4. The
capacity to find more satisfaction in giving than receiving. Our
culture encourages self-centeredness, grabbing for ourselves. Until we learn
that giving is more rewarding we remain like children. When we enjoy giving we
are kind, gentle and loving with others and with ourselves.
5. The
capacity to relate to other people in a consistent manner with mutual
satisfaction and helpfulness. We enjoy working and relaxing
with other people and there is mutual give and take in our relationships with
others. Again, we connect and enjoy friendships. We are kind, gentle and
loving.
6. The
capacity to sublimate, to direct one’s instinctive hostile energy into creative
and constructive outlets. I’m not sure I would describe anger as
“instinctive hostile energy” but we certainly are born with the God given
capacity to get angry. The emotionally mature person has learned to control his
anger so it does not do emotional or physical damage to anyone. After his or her anger has subsided, the
emotionally mature person attempts to find a rational, constructive solution to
the problem. Though anger may be justified often forgiveness goes the second
mile.
7. The
capacity to love. Love is not a feeling. It’s how we behave
toward others. Love is the action we take no matter how we feel. A sick child
wakes us at night and we stay up and nurse the child though we certainly don’t
feel like it. The apostle Paul defines love in this way: “Love is patient, love
is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of
wrongs.” Read I Corinthians 13 for
Paul’s complete description of love.
How can
we help our children grow toward emotional maturity? Children
learn from our behavior as well as from our words. If we lovingly model
emotional maturity they will learn this from us. We must understand that their
growth toward maturity is a slow process. We must be patient and accept their
immaturity while applauding each sign that they are becoming more emotionally
mature. We need to be patient with ourselves in our own growth to maturity
also. No one meets these criteria perfectly or all the time.
“Joyful is the person who finds wisdom, the one
who gains understanding.” Proverbs 3:13
Blessings, Dottie
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