CARING FOR A DYING LOVED ONE

Q. My sisters and I are taking turns caring for our elderly mother who is very sick and not expected to recover. She has been declining for the past year and requires a great deal of care. It bothers me that my sisters talk about Mom as though she were already dead. I guess we’re all wishing she would die soon because we’re worn out by her care. I feel terrible for having said that but that’s how I’m feeling. What can I do to handle this better?

 A. You and your sisters are already grieving the loss of your mother.  This kind of grief is called “anticipatory grief.” It’s a normal part of the grief process which occurs when a person lingers for months on end.  Our minds are preparing us for the loss. 

    

Caring for an elderly, dying family member is often overwhelming for the caregivers. They love their family member and want to provide care but the added responsibilities along with the emotions involved, create major stress. Caregivers continue to meet the needs in their own families and many also have full time jobs. As a result marriages suffer from neglect and time for oneself is only a fleeting memory. 

    

It’s no wonder you find yourself wishing for your mother to hurry up and die. This does not indicate a lack of care for her. In fact, it may be a sign of your love for her since the quality of her life is minimal now.  Here are some things you and your sisters can do that will help.

    

1.  Allow yourselves to grieve, each in your own way. Be accepting of each other’s grieving styles. Grieving isn’t a one time event, it’s a process. Though grieving is painful it will relieve some of the stress you’re under. Face your Mom’s coming death and let your tears flow as you feel the sadness. 

2. Grieve together. Share your tears with your husband, your sisters, other close family members and close friends. Talk about your concerns and fears about her care. Don’t ignore any issue. However, don’t dwell only on the pain and the problems. Talk also about happy and humorous memories of your loved one.

    

3. If your mother is mentally alert, talk with her about her dying. Listen for her to bring this up or gently do so yourself. It can relieve the dying person to know you are facing this loss and accepting her passing. It may even give her permission to stop fighting for life when there is no hope. 

    

4. Tell your Mom how much you love her and what you appreciate about her. Ask her for forgiveness for ways you’ve hurt her and tell her you have forgiven her for any hurts she’s caused you. Settle all accounts with her. It will help you both. Tell her all this even if you’re not sure she can now understand you. Her spirit will hear you.

    

5. Take time off from caring for your Mom without feeling guilty. If you’re attempting to help on a daily basis over a lengthy period of time, ask other family members or close friends to relieve you for a day or two each week. Maintain outside interests. Make time for yourself and for your marriage.

6. Share your pain with God. We are conditioned to pray for health and healing so it seems some how wrong to ask God to take our loved one. But it’s not. God knows our hearts and accepts our deepest emotions. 

    

7. Hang onto your faith. We don’t understand God’s ways. Ask him to help you through these tough times.  Psalm 23 can help also. 

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

HELPING CHILDREN GRIEVE AT CHRISTMAS

Q. My husband died this past year after a brief illness. Until recently I thought my kids were handling their loss OK. Since Thanksgiving, however, each child has shown signs of grieving but none of them talk much about their Dad or about how they feel. 

Now I’m dreading the Holidays. How should I handle things so we won't be sad throughout December? What can I do to help the kids enjoy Christmas? I knew it would take time to recover and to grieve but when does it end?

A. Grieving is intensified during holidays, birthdays and anniversaries because of the memories from the past that involve the person we’ve lost. This is especially true the first Christmas after a loss. Christmas is a family time and a time when we enjoy being together. The absence of Dad accentuates the loss.

         

Grief is a process. It takes time to work through all the feelings involved in the loss of a primary relationship. We cannot just grieve for two weeks or even for six weeks. For most people it takes at least two years to grieve a major loss. 

This doesn’t mean you must be sad every day for two years. The sadness and depression of grief are cyclical. They come and go. It would be too painful to experience all the feelings at once. The stages of grieving - denial, anger, guilt, depression and acceptance allow us to work through our feelings little by little. We may move back and forth between these stages, each time resolving a bit more.

         

Your children are working through their grief each in their own way. This Christmas can be an important time for them to experience more of the depth of their loss and it can be a time to let go; to recognize that their father really is gone.

         

Talk with the children together and individually about Christmas. Listen carefully to how they’re feeling and what they would like to do both to remember and honor their Dad and to enjoy Christmas. Tell them it’s OK to enjoy Christmas; that their Dad would want them to do so. 

         

Don’t worry too much about avoiding grief or about making the day happy. While it’s OK to be happy in spite of your loss, it’s more important to allow yourself to feel your grief. It’s more important to be real than to pretend. You can model this to your children, letting them see some of your sadness while not overwhelming them with your feelings.

         

Plan one special time during the holidays in which you talk together about your loss.  Each of you might write a Christmas letter to your husband. Younger children could draw him a picture. Then share these with each other. A candle could be lit in his memory and all could share a favorite memory of him as you laugh and cry together.

         

You and the children don’t have to go through your grief alone. Take your children to a group for grieving children. There are a number of grief support groups available for children in various locations around the country. These grief support groups are child friendly, divided by age, with knowledgeable and caring leaders. Crafts and games encourage children to express their feelings about their loss. A concurrent parent’s group may also be available. A grief support group will help you and the children understand and express grief in a safe environment with the support of others. Then your future Christmases will be brighter.

If you and your family are Christians, your faith in life after death can also help you and the children work through your grief. As Christians you believe God had a good reason for taking him and you know you will see him again.

“I am the resurrection and the life, anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.” John 11:25

“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4

Blessings, Dottie

See also Be The Miracle http://deloresliesner.com/2016/12/09/after-losing-a-child-christmas-and-new-traditions/

Thoughts on Time

At the beginning of a new year we think back over the previous year and remember both high and low points. For many people the past year was difficult with job losses, illness or even the loss of loved ones. Even in a good year many take stock of what was accomplished in the prior year. Did we use our time wisely? Did we grow and learn? Did we spend our time in ways that pleased us and pleased God? We also look ahead and plan and wonder what lies ahead.

I spent some time thinking about both of these – the past and the future. I thought of many marvelous times with family, friends and church in 2010. I also thought of family members and friends with health problems, or who lost loved ones. And I thought of the friends whose funerals we attended in 2010, including a cousin the last week of the year. We really don’t know what lies ahead – not even one day ahead. But God does. He’s in charge and he is good.

I talked with him about all this. It was early in the morning; the sun was shining on the brilliant white snow. I was dazzled by the beauty of the world and by God’s beauty. I sat in my comfy recliner, a glass of water nearly finished, on a tray beside me. My lamp was shining directly on the water. God surprised and awed me, as I glanced at my simple glass of water appearing clear, silvery and beautiful – like crystal. I felt God’s presence in this moment and realized he is good, pure, beautiful and true. And life is beautiful even when the glass is nearly empty; even as the years slip by. Life with God is full even when the glass of your life seems nearly empty.

“I trust in you, O Lord, I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands.” Psalm 31:14-15

Blessings, Dottie

The Healing Power of Our Thoughts

Last week I talked about people who recently received very bad news and some keys to help in tough times. Today I’ll explore the healing power of our thoughts. We need to guard our thoughts. They can either heal us or make us sicker. Our thoughts have a profound effect on our moods and on our pain.

Notice what you say to yourself about your trauma. Thoughts such as “I can’t stand this” or “I’m never going to feel any better” can cause you to tense up, causing more pain or even more illness. Distract yourself from the pain or difficulty. Focus on something other than your symptoms. Focus on what you can still do, rather than on what you’re unable to do. Our attitude and our thoughts have a powerful effect on our health.


Herbert Benson, M.D. in his book Timeless Healing cites the placebo effect as evidence of the power of our thoughts. Patients believe sugar pills will alleviate their symptom and their belief makes this happen. A 1988 research study at Brown University showed that patients with chronic pain were more likely to be impaired, no matter the severity of their pain, if they believed pain indicated impairment. In other words, those who believed pain and disability were always linked became more impaired. When patients focused their minds on thoughts of being active and well, even though in pain, their health improved.

Focusing on positive thoughts in the midst of pain, fatigue and invasive or immune lowering treatments is not easy. The key is to monitor your thoughts and don’t dwell on how bad you feel. Acknowledge your illness or pain but think about other things most of the time. We can’t control what happens to us but we can learn to control our thoughts.

You’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious – the best, not the worst. The beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Philippians 4: 8 The Message

Blessings, Dottie

The Resurrection

Do you remember what the world looked like in February? Here’s a picture of my rose bushes – there were no roses under the snow. Nothing was there but dead branches.


I attended four funerals in May – all were funerals of faithful Christians. While funerals are not my favorite pastime they aren’t the worst activity either. I went to each funeral to show love and support for the family members, but each funeral also blessed me because of the faith of each family.

Losses are difficult and painful. Yet each of the four families spoke with hope and faith about the loved one now being with God. The fact that these were Christian funerals made them a time of celebration, hope and rejoicing as well as a time of sadness at the loss of each person.

I’ve been to funerals where the families were without faith. These are really sad affairs. You live and you die and that’s it. There’s no eternal purpose to life. And certainly, there’s no eternal life afterward. The song, “If You Could See Me Now,” was played two of the funerals. The chorus of this song says

If you could see me now…
You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place,
If you could only see me now.

Nature reveals the truth of the resurrection, I believe. Remember how my roses looked in February? Here’s how they look now. How can we see these evidences in nature and not believe? This takes more faith than believing does.

Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.” John 11:25

Blessings, Dottie