Tuesday, December 4, 2018

CHRISTMAS AFTER DIVORCE


Q. I’m a single parent of two children. My husband asked for a divorce last January; the divorce was final in June and he remarried in July. I’m depressed about the breakup of my marriage and overwhelmed at the thought of celebrating the Holidays. The children are still adjusting to the changes - we’re now living in a small apartment and they see their Dad every other weekend. How can I get through the Holidays? I want to give my children a happy Christmas in spite of all the changes. What do you suggest?

A. The first Christmas after a loss or major change in a family is difficult for all concerned. We go through a grieving process with any loss - not just when someone dies. Christmas often intensifies feelings of depression or loss because it is “supposed” to be a happy family time. 

It’s helpful that you’re living in a different place this year. One reason grief intensifies at Christmas is due to memories from the past that include the person we’ve lost. Being in a different location, without all the reminders of the past will make it easier to not let memories intrude on current enjoyment. You may want to change some of your usual Christmas routines for this reason.
       
Recognize that this Christmas will be different than previous Christmases. Talk this over with your parents or other relatives who will be involved in celebrating with you. Relatives grieve when a divorce occurs in the family, so they are dealing with sadness also. They may hesitate to talk about their own grief unless you share yours. Sharing your feelings will help all of you through the grieving process. Do this as you plan for Christmas so all will be prepared for the ways in which this Christmas will be different.
       
Talk with the children also about plans for this Christmas and about the fact that it will be different without Daddy there. It’s OK for your children to see some of your tears or sadness. It may even help them share their pain. Explain to them that we all grieve when there is a loss. But also reassure them that you will all be OK.           

Give your children as much of your time and attention as you can. This may seem impossible with all you have to do. Include them in the planning for Christmas. Let them help with household chores as well as with shopping, gift wrapping, and decorating. A few minutes listening to them and enjoying them at bedtime can also make a big difference to a child. Give hugs, kisses and say “I love you.”

You must also be very good to yourself during this difficult period of time. Single parents carry a double load of responsibility anyway and then to add to this the grieving process that follows divorce plus the extra “work” of preparing for Christmas and the result can be overwhelming. 
       
There are many ways you can be good to yourself. Don’t expect things to be perfect. Do only what is essential. Take time for yourself. Spend time with friends who love you and who lift your spirits. Accept help from others. Don’t hide your feelings, share them. See a counselor if you have no one else you can talk openly with or if you are seriously depressed, anxious or overwhelmed.

Focus on the deep meaning of Christmas. An Advent calendar and   Christmas readings each day can be enjoyed by all of you. Most churches have special Christmas programs throughout the month. Take your children with you to these and enjoy the music and the deep meaning of Christmas.

I hope these ideas will help you have as Merry a Christmas as possible.

“For unto us a child is born…” Isaiah 9:6

Blessings, Dottie




 


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