Q. I’m a single parent of two children. My husband asked for a
divorce last January; the divorce was final in June and he remarried in July.
I’m depressed about the breakup of my marriage and overwhelmed at the thought
of celebrating the Holidays. The children are still adjusting to the changes - we’re
now living in a small apartment and they see their Dad every other weekend. How
can I get through the Holidays? I want to give my children a happy Christmas in
spite of all the changes. What do you suggest?
A. The first Christmas after a loss or major change in a family is
difficult for all concerned. We go through a grieving process with any loss -
not just when someone dies. Christmas often intensifies feelings of depression
or loss because it is “supposed” to be a happy family time.
It’s helpful that you’re living in a different place this year. One
reason grief intensifies at Christmas is due to memories from the past that include
the person we’ve lost. Being in a different location, without all the reminders
of the past will make it easier to not let memories intrude on current
enjoyment. You may want to change some of your usual Christmas routines for
this reason.
Recognize that this Christmas will be different than previous Christmases.
Talk this over with your parents or other relatives who will be involved in
celebrating with you. Relatives grieve when a divorce occurs in the family, so
they are dealing with sadness also. They may hesitate to talk about their own
grief unless you share yours. Sharing your feelings will help all of you
through the grieving process. Do this as you plan for Christmas so all will be
prepared for the ways in which this Christmas will be different.
Talk with the children also about plans for this Christmas and
about the fact that it will be different without Daddy there. It’s OK for your
children to see some of your tears or sadness. It may even help them share
their pain. Explain to them that we all grieve when there is a loss. But also
reassure them that you will all be OK.
Give your children as much of your time and attention as you can. This
may seem impossible with all you have to do. Include them in the planning for
Christmas. Let them help with household chores as well as with shopping, gift
wrapping, and decorating. A few minutes listening to them and enjoying them at
bedtime can also make a big difference to a child. Give hugs, kisses and say “I
love you.”
You must also be very good to yourself during this difficult
period of time. Single parents carry a double load of responsibility anyway and
then to add to this the grieving process that follows divorce plus the extra
“work” of preparing for Christmas and the result can be overwhelming.
There are many ways you can be good to yourself. Don’t expect
things to be perfect. Do only what is essential. Take time for yourself. Spend
time with friends who love you and who lift your spirits. Accept help from
others. Don’t hide your feelings, share them. See a counselor if you have no
one else you can talk openly with or if you are seriously depressed, anxious or
overwhelmed.
Focus on the deep meaning of
Christmas. An Advent calendar and Christmas
readings each day can be enjoyed by all of you. Most churches have special
Christmas programs throughout the month. Take your children with you to these
and enjoy the music and the deep meaning of Christmas.
I hope these ideas will help you have as Merry a Christmas as
possible.
“For unto us a child is born…” Isaiah 9:6
Blessings, Dottie
