THANKSGIVING IN THE MIDST OF TROUBLE

Q. We traditionally celebrate Thanksgiving Day dinner with every family member expressing their gratitude about the year. This year, however, we have had many problems - job losses, deaths in the family, and accidents. How can we be thankful in the midst of all these troubles? 

          

A.  Giving thanks in the midst of troubles or tragedy is a challenge. Many would consider it impossible or even irrational. Grieving is normal and essential to work through disappointments and losses. Tears and some depression are normal at these times. However, we can focus on grief and depression too much. We do this when we forget to count our blessings. 

                                                                                               

The apostle Paul, who suffered beatings, shipwrecks, and even imprisonment wrote,  “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” (Philippians 4:11). He didn’t say he was content about his circumstances but in his circumstances.

         

Joni Eareckson Tada was paralyzed as the result of a diving accident in her teens. She used the Bible verse “Give thanks in all circumstances” (I Thessalonians 5:18) as her anchor. She says, “I gritted my teeth, pushed aside feelings of despair, and willfully gave thanks for everything from the hospital breakfast of cold cornmeal mush to the grueling hours of daily physical therapy.” 

When she began this she didn’t feel thankful. She notes the difference between feeling thankful and giving thanks. Feeling thankful involves our emotions. Giving thanks is an act of the will. The Bible verse doesn’t expect us to give thanks for the difficult times. We only need to give thanks in them. Joni Eareckson Tada says that months later a miracle occurred. She began to feel thankful. Her despair lifted and her attitude brightened.

         

While attending a niece’s wedding years ago I took a serious fall which pushed two teeth up in my mouth and caused five stitches worth of damage to my upper lip. Though this was minor in comparison to the experiences of Joni Eareckson Tada or the writer of today’s letter, I found myself giving thanks that I was not knocked out, broke no bones, and was able to attend the wedding later the same day. I was very upset about what had happened to me but still thankful in many ways. 

Sarah Ban Breathnach in her book Simple Abundance recommends keeping a Gratitude Journal in which we write down five things we’re grateful for each day. Doing this on a daily basis for several months will change us. A gratitude journal helps us notice the small caring gestures of friends and family members. And we then thank them more. Thanking others for being in our life and for the things they do for us enhances our marriage and our family life as well as changing us, and making us contented. 

A gratitude journal will help you see that even in the midst of trouble or pain, there is this, this and this going well in your life. It will also help you recognize what the difficulty or tragedy has taught you. 

David, who wrote most of the Psalms in the Bible, wrote about his despairing inner struggles yet he also was grateful for every blessing. He very humanly describes his struggles, even wondering if God has abandoned him, yet he continues to practice gratitude.

 

When things go well we take our blessings for granted. Difficulties force us to recognize what’s important in life; that we need God and that we need each other. Gratitude helps us grow spiritually. It connects us with God, the source of our life and our hope. 

Give thanks on Thanksgiving Day in spite of your troubles. A gratitude journal will help you learn to be contented in any situation and Thanksgiving Day is a perfect time to begin one. Have a blessed and thankful Thanksgiving!

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”          1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NASB

Blessings, Dottie

The Discipline of Journaling

My small group studied a book about the Christian Disciplines. Toward the end of the book we came to a chapter on the discipline of journaling. The chapter on journaling included two quotes of interest: John Calvin said, “Without knowledge of self there is no knowledge of God.” And Scripture says: “Let this be written for a future generation, that a people not yet created may praise the Lord.” Psalm 102:18 NIV

Journaling is not mentioned in the Bible but there are many examples of “journaling” in scripture, especially David and his Psalms. David wrote down his prayers, his laments, his confession, and his praise. What a legacy he left to help all seekers and Christians through the ages!

My small group knew I have a long time history of journaling and asked me to tell about it. This is what I told them.

I’ve kept many lists.

Pet Tales. One of my lists appeared on this blog near the beginning. I recounted the experiences of obtaining two white mice for our nine year old, two gerbils for our seven year old and a turtle for our five year old. The list recounts the trials that ensued in the early weeks of this. See Pet Tales here.

Days of Our Lives. From our marriage on I’ve kept a running list of major events in our lives including vacations – listing the dates, where we went, and who or what we saw. This is handy to look back at and recall when things happened.

Lists of Goals or Priorities. These were usually at the beginning of each year.

A Gratitude List.  I began this when I read The Gratitude Journal which advocated writing down five things each day you’re thankful for. I did this for a year and discovered many blessings. It helped me be positive even on a difficult day. One experience of note I still remember. In a worship gathering I looked down at my red sweater and realized I love colors. I thanked God for colors right then and for days afterward.

Random Acts of Kindness. One Lenten season someone suggested that we could do a random act of kindness every day – instead of giving up something we could give something. I did this writing them down to be certain I kept at it.

Much of my journaling has been on scripture or a prayer and has been life changing.

Twelve Steps to Spiritual Growth.  In 1992 my pastor did a sermon series on the 12 Steps. These steps are steps to spiritual healing. They were life changing for me. Of course I wrote it all down. And some years later I journaled the twelve steps again using the Life Recovery Bible.

Psalm 51.  A Bible teacher suggested journaling Psalm 51 one phrase at a time during Lent. I did this and spent the forty days confessing sins new and old and seeking God’s forgiveness. I repeated this during lent this year. And it’s on my blog.  Psalm 51 part 1 is here.

Commands of Jesus and the Promises of Jesus. At a week long conference the main speaker said she was on the remedial path in Christianity until she journaled the Commands of Jesus and the Promises of Jesus. I proceeded to do this and have posted some on my blog. See the Red Words in Scripture or the Commands of Jesus and the Promises of Jesus. Here's the first one.

Mostly I journal prayers to Father God about whatever is on my mind. Although he knows all it helps to put it into words and tell him about my yearnings, my trials big and small, my hopes and dreams and the daily activities of my life. This also gives me a reference for looking back to remember the past and to see patterns in my spiritual growth. Often I don’t know what I want to say until I take pen in hand. Sometimes when I pick up the pen I start to cry. I discover inner pain that I need to acknowledge.

How should you journal? Journal in whatever way fits you. I journal during my quiet time. I use a spiral hard bound journal. Some people like to journal on their computer. I write at least once a week and some times every day. I write a few words some times and a few pages other times. It’s best to journal at least weekly to establish the habit.

Journaling is therapeutic. In his book Opening Up, James W. Pennebaker, Ph.D. describes research on the therapeutic value of journaling. Three blogs on journaling start here.

Writing prayers is more than therapeutic. It connects you with the living God.

“Depend on the Lord in whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3

Blessings, Dottie

The Promises of Jesus

WE WILL BE HIS WITNESSES            

Matt 24:14 And this gospel of the Kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

John 20:21 Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you. 

Acts 1:8 You will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria and to the ends of the earth.

Jesus is speaking to his disciples in these verses. The first one is prior to his death and resurrection. The other two are after his death and resurrection. A witness is one who tells what he knows to be the truth as in a courtroom. We witness to something that we have experienced; that we know and believe. We are made in the image of God and we are to bear witness to God by reflecting Christ’s image in all we do and say. We need the power of the Holy Spirit in order to do this. And it is a great privilege that he calls us to. He doesn’t need us but he chooses to use us.

John MacArthur on Matt 24:14 says: “Despite all the tribulations that would come – the deception of false teachers, the wars, persecutions, natural disasters, defections from Christ, and all the obstacles to the spread of the gospel – the message ultimately penetrates every part of the globe. God is never without a witness, and he will proclaim the gospel from heaven itself if necessary.

On Acts 2:8 MacArthur says: “The apostles’ mission of spreading the gospel was the major reason the Holy Spirit empowered them. This event dramatically altered world history, and the gospel message eventually reached all parts of the earth. The apostles had already experienced the Holy Spirit’s saving, guiding, teaching and miracle working power. Soon they would receive his indwelling presence and a new dimension of power for witness.”

Dear Father,

Thank you for the promise that you will use us as witnesses to spread the good news. We read of the apostles Holy Spirit empowered lives. They were fully surrendered to You. They were in the grip of your glorious will for them. Help us be as radical in our surrender to you. Forgive our failures to abide in you and our failures to risk all for you. Fill us with your Holy Spirit. We want to be your witnesses in our world. We want to do your will. Help us be bold yet graceful witnesses to You – to your glory.

In Jesus Mighty Name we pray, Amen.

MARRIAGE COUNSELING CAN BE HAZARDOUS, Part 2

In a prior blog post I wrote about two experiences with marriage counseling in which couples were encouraged to separate when they both wanted to learn how to solve their marital conflicts. I cited an article by Dr. William J. Doherty titled, “How Therapy Can Be Hazardous To Your Marital Health.” Today’s post is a summary of four ways he believes counselors undermine marital commitment. 

         

1. Therapists who are incompetent in marital therapy. Many therapists have no training in working with couples. They are trained in individual therapy in which they listen in a laid back manner, are empathic and clarifying. Clients feel heard and learn to think through concerns and plans. This approach works well with individuals but not in marital therapy. A married couple who are in conflict need structure and guidance. Their conflicts will overwhelm a passive counselor or one who doesn’t know how to focus on the patterns of interaction. The counselor will often decide the problem is due to individual pathology and suggest individual counseling for each person.   

         

Incompetent therapists also will take sides and “beat up” on one of the partners.  This frequently happens with men who aren’t in touch with their feelings “they just want to save their marriage.” Again, the counselor and wife decide they each need individual help. 

         

2. Therapists who are neutral about the marriage. A neutral therapist will ask questions like “What are the pros and cons of staying versus leaving?” When someone is thinking of getting out of a marriage they use the language of individual self-interest, not the language of moral commitment. Neutrality undermines the marital commitment couples have made to each other.           

         

3. Therapists who focus on pathology. One party in the marriage may go for help and the counselor, hearing complaints about the spouse will label the spouse, sight unseen, as “narcissistic” or “very dependent.” This shatters hope. Some therapists even pathologize the reason a couple married suggesting the marriage was a mistake from the beginning. Someone determined to work things out after their spouse has an affair can even be pathologized for their loyalty. A new pathology, Doherty says is ascribed to those who are “bored” with their marriage. 

         

4. Therapists who overtly undermine the marriage. “If you’re not happy, why do you stay?” or “I can’t believe you’re still married.” This suggests to the couple that they are basically incompatible and there’s no way to help them. Undermining also occurs by direct advice. For example: “I think you should separate” or “For your own health you need to move out.”

         

Competent marital therapists have studied Marriage and Family Therapy where they learned how “systems” (groups of people such as couples and families) operate and they have had supervision of their work. In marital therapy the “patient” is the marriage. The main focus is on the relationship between the couple and the patterns and problems there, rather than on the inner conflicts or the childhood issues of each individual. 

Couples seeking help should ask a counselor about their training in marital therapy. Also ask about the therapist’s attitude toward saving a marriage versus helping couples break up. If they say they’re neutral, look elsewhere. You need a counselor who values the marital commitment and focuses on the marriage relationship. Counseling with a pastor or Christian counselor who firmly believes marriage is a life long commitment to each other and to God will also avoid these issues.

         

Educational programs in my opinion and in Dr. Doherty’s opinion are often more helpful than marital counseling – especially Christian programs. I recommend you join The Third Option, Marriage Encounter or Weekend to Remember. These programs will help you understand your differences and how to change things. The most difficult issues can usually be worked out if both partners are committed to the marriage.

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Parenting Advice: Teens & Brand Name Clothing

Q. My 13 year old daughter is already worrying about wearing the "right" or "in" clothes. She is refusing to wear the play shoes I bought her because they don't have a particular brand name on them. She wants a pair of very expensive jeans (with the brand name). Ordinarily she is easy to live with. Over this issue she seems determined and we are deadlocked. As a single parent I can't afford the fancy brands and it bothers me that she can't see that the name is unimportant. I don’t understand why this is so important to her. How should I handle this?

A. Children and teenagers from about 5th grade on often worry about "fitting in" with their crowd. Unfortunately, for many young people appearances are used to judge worth. This is because they are just beginning to figure out their own identities apart from their parents.

They are also beginning to experience many changes in their bodies and emotions as they physically mature. These changes are exciting but also scary. To provide some security, preteens and teens cluster in peer groups and the group does demand or value certain conformity in dress. In other words, your daughter has no doubt discovered that her group, or the group to which she aspires, wears the brand shoe or jean in question. Feeling socially inept due to the many changes going on within her, the clothes do assist her confidence.

Unfortunately, the manufacturers have also discovered this and they manipulate very expensive tastes among young people. And you are right; there is no reason for it. Often a $30.00 pair of shoes will wear just as well as the $80.00 pair. The same is true for jeans.

So, what do you do about it? If you say a flat no you will have a dejected child and she may make your life miserable. A power struggle at this age is seldom worth the battle. If you say yes, you will be going against your own beliefs and your own budget. When we "give-in" to our children we resent it, they sense this and feel guilty. We may also lose respect in their eyes.

The third alternative is best, though often over looked. Look for a unique solution that will satisfy you both. For example, this may be a good time to give your daughter a clothing allowance and let her spend it as she wishes. If she chooses the expensive items she will learn the consequences and have fewer clothes.

Another alternative would be to give her the amount of money you would normally spend on the item and let her put her own money with this to buy the item she wants. She may need to baby sit for a neighbor in order to afford these things. She will learn the value of money quickly once she starts earning and spending her own dollars.

Perhaps you can think of some other unique solutions that will satisfy both of you.

Intelligent people are always open to new ideas. In fact, they look for them. Proverbs 18:15 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

MONEY DOESN’T SATISFY

Q.  My husband and I are cautious about money. We’ve always saved for rainy days. We pay our bills on time and we live comfortably. We’ve never gone into debt other than for our house and our cars. Our son and daughter, both in their twenties, have a different attitude toward money. They received unsolicited credit cards in college and have gone wild spending money they don’t have. To make matters worse, our son likes to gamble. They are both in debt way over their heads. 

         

Why did this happen? We thought we taught them about the careful use of money. What will help them get out of debt and gain a realistic view of money? 

A.  Many of our values about money have been eroded by the changes in our society in the last fifty years. Thrift was a virtue and saving money was a primary goal for everyone. Children were taught these values in school, church and home. No one bought on credit. Any charge cards were paid off at the end of the month with no interest. Similarly, gambling was viewed as wrong, as an attempt to get something for nothing. 

         

Gradually we have become mad about money, driven to spend and spend and spend for more and more things. Our favorite pastime now is going to the malls. There were no malls 50 years ago. Shopping was done downtown and trips there were infrequent. Purchases were based solely on need rather than want.

With the advent of credit cards and easier and easier credit came the opportunity to have what we want before we pay for it. This has helped fuel our economy as the more we spend on things the more our industries flourish. To help these industries, advertisers do all within their power to make consumers want to consume. Commercials are slick and enticing. Credit is easy to obtain. Catalogs inundate us with choices of things we can buy. And it’s fun to shop. It is fun to have a new outfit to wear, the latest electronic gadget and it is more convenient to buy a book than to go to the library.

         

In addition, the acceptance and increase in state lotteries and gambling casinos enables us to gamble near home, not just on vacation and we can even take our children to some casinos where there is child care.

Your son and daughter grew up in this new culture and fell for its seductive offers without understanding the cost of credit or the cost of a life built on material things. Hopefully, life experiences will teach them that money and things do not satisfy. 

         

To help them get out of debt send your son and daughter to the Consumer Credit Counseling Service. This is a non profit agency that will help consolidate their debts and work out a manageable budget - or they may recommend bankruptcy if that’s the only way out. Some churches also offer excellent classes to help couples manage their finances.  

         

Your son and daughter may be addicted to spending and/or gambling. If this is true they may need help from Gambler’s Anonymous or Shopaholics Anonymous. Those who are addicted get a high from whatever it is they’re addicted to. They attempt is to avoid inner pain or inner emptiness by spending or by gambling. 

         

A renewal of faith can help. God will fill an Inner emptiness that nothing else satisfies. 

    

“A person without self control is as defenseless as a city with broken walls.” Proverbs25:28

Blessings, Dottie

Understanding and Valuing Introverts

Three Book Reviews on Introverts

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

by Susan Cain

Quiet is a New York Times best seller. It is beautifully written, well researched and offers a wealth of information about the differences between introverts and extroverts. Cain gives many illustrations to show the reader that extroverts prefer action to contemplation, risk taking to certainty, and they are comfortable with conflict. They also make fast decisions, multitask, think out loud, and are talkative and interesting.

Introverts, in contrast like being alone, enjoy being cooperative, work slowly and deliberately, have great power of concentration, think before they speak, express themselves better in writing than in speaking, dislike conflict. They are apt to be sensitive and serious.

Cain gives evidence that extroverts are highly valued in our culture and introverts are ignored or even looked down on. This should not be. She explains in detail the valuable contributions introverts make to our culture and our world. Introverts are thinkers, creative and visionary. This is an excellent, thoughtful and valuable book.

The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World

by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D.  

The Introvert Advantage is a well researched and well written book detailing in clear and practical ways the surprising advantages of being an introvert in an extroverted world. This book offers good news for introverts. There’s nothing wrong with being quiet and reserved. In fact there is now scientific and psychological evidence that being an introvert has advantages. Laney gives valuable tips to help introverts not just get by, but actually flourish in our extroverted world. 

Laney gives evidence about the genetic differences in introverts and extroverts. In my layman’s understanding – our brain chemistry differs dramatically. Laney provides clear scientific information about this with pictures of the brain to help us understand.

Much of the book presents helpful ideas about how to live as an introvert in an extroverted world. Laney describes how to do this in our relationships, in parenting – including parenting an introverted child, in socializing and in working. The final section of the book offers many tips on how to create a life that’s “Just Right” for you.

Laney cites many of the same sources as Susan Cain in her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a world that can’t stop talking. Yet the books are quite different from each other. I highly recommend both. The Introvert Advantage offers more practical information useful in navigating life. Enjoy the books. Introverts love to read. I know because I’m an introvert.

Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture

By Adam S. McHugh

Introverts in the Church presents up to date information about the inborn differences between introverts and extroverts as offered in the two prior books. Those who haven’t already read on this topic will find this valuable. Much of the book focuses on introverted pastors and leaders. McHugh makes the point that introverted pastors have gifts the church needs and these gifts are often not appreciated or recognized. The focus on introverted pastors and leaders disappointed me as a church member. I expected the book to focus on how the church can minister to introverted members – including children – who often are timid in groups. On page 197 McHugh finally has a few pages on welcoming introverts. This is helpful though sparse.

Nevertheless, the book did help me understand that introverts are drawn to quiet contemplation and prayer while extroverts are not. Introverts are also more comfortable in one to one relationships than with groups. This rings true for me – an introvert.

The list below can be helpful. I’m not sure who wrote it. There is much more good information like this in the books above.

How to Care for Introverts

1. Respect their need for privacy
2. Never embarrass them in public
3. Let them observe first in new situations
4. Give them time to think. Don’t demand instant answers.
5. Don’t interrupt them.
6. Give them advance notice of expected changes in their lives.
7. Give them fifteen minute warnings to finish whatever they are doing.
8. Reprimand them privately.
9. Teach them new skills privately
10. Enable them to find one best friend who has similar interests and abilities.
11. Don’t push them to make lots of friends.
12. Respect their introversion. Don’t try to make them into extroverts.

You created my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14

Blessings, Dottie