YOU’RE NOT HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

Q.  I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. I’ve been depressed and nervous since my wife died a year ago. I can't sleep and I feel shaky. I force myself to go to work but I don’t accomplish as much as I did in the past. On the weekends I force myself to go out some where but most of the time I sit home and cry. I can’t get over having lost her. Am I having a nervous breakdown? Am I mentally ill? What can I do to get over this?

A. You’re not having a nervous breakdown. In fact, there is no such thing as a nervous breakdown.  Many people say, “I think I’m having a nervous breakdown,” when they feel very stressed or depressed. We are fearful and think the worst when our emotions are overwhelming. A nervous breakdown is not a legitimate medical diagnosis. It doesn’t exist in diagnostic manuals or medical text books. 

Nor are you mentally ill. When a person has a mental illness their personality is seriously disorganized and out of touch with reality. Instead, you are very much in touch with the reality of your wife’s death.

         

You are experiencing normal grief over the loss of your wife. Most of us expect to grieve for a few weeks after the loss of a loved one - until we experience a major loss ourselves. Then we learn that grieving is more painful than we imagined and takes much longer than we expected. 

Most widows and widowers face the same feelings you’re experiencing. After the loss of a loved one it’s very common to have periods of anxiety, sadness, tearfulness, anger and guilt. It is also common to have difficulty sleeping, a loss of appetite, and little energy. Some people also have physical symptoms such as stomach aches, joint pains, or headaches.

Friends have no doubt told you to keep busy, to be strong and positive, and make a new life. Their advice is sound but it’s only part of the story. Spending all your time grieving is not healthy. But denying your grief also is not healthy. Activity numbs the pain and keeps you in touch with the world but it doesn’t shorten mourning. 

If you try to deny your mixed emotions you will prolong your grief. The key to working through grief is to allow yourself to feel your pain some of the time, which you are doing. Go into your sadness and let yourself cry. Express your anger and hurt out loud to a close friend. It’s also helpful to write about loss.

Grieving may last several years. The fact that you aren't over it is normal and O.K. This doesn't mean you will be grieving all the time. Each year it lessens. However, you will experience periods of pain; days or weeks when you are again depressed after feeling better. Certain days will be more difficult than others. Anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and weekends are particularly difficult for most widows and widowers. Knowing this you can plan how you want to spend these days. A balance of activities with others and time alone to grieve is best. When your grief is strong don't avoid it, go into it. 

         

If you have no one you can talk to about your loss or if your depression isn’t gradually lessening, seek help from a counselor or a pastor. Talking about your loss will help speed up the grieving process. Medication can also help if your sleep problems are extreme and constant. A number of churches also offer a program called Grief Share which is very helpful. In this group program you will learn to understand your grief and how to handle it. And you will have support from others going through the same difficulties.

Above all else, call out to God in your sorrow and he will help you through this time of grief. Pray and read His Word daily. Abide in Him. He is a safe refuge.

“I will restore you to health and I will heal you of your wounds.” Jeremiah 30:17 NASB

Blessings, Dottie

Teaching Children about Money

Q.  How can I teach my children, age 8 and 10, the value of money? They always want the latest toy advertised on TV or some novelty a friend has. I’ve tried to explain we can’t afford to get them everything they want but this doesn’t help.  What do you suggest?

A.  Teaching children about money is essential in today’s world of easy credit and constant commercials. We need to think consciously about what we want to teach and how to get these ideas across to our children.

Experts agree that the best way for children to learn about money is to have an allowance. They learn more from their mistakes, from spending foolishly, than they do from all the lectures or explanations we give.

Very young children, those under age 5, do not need an allowance but three or four year olds can learn to identify coins and can enjoy putting coins into a piggy bank.

Experts differ on whether or not allowances should be tied to chores. Some families give an allowance unconditionally. The child, as a member of the family is expected to help around the house just as everyone else. No one pays the parents to cook, clean, cut the grass - these are responsibilities. These parents don’t want their children to expect payment for everything they do. If chores aren’t done the allowance is still given. 

         

Others believe it’s best to tie the allowance to chores so the child won’t think they can get something for nothing. Whichever approach is used, it’s ok to allow children to earn extra money by doing extra chores.

         

Give an allowance beginning in grade school. Talk this over with your child and explain your expectations about the use of the money and that it must last the entire week. For example, you may want your child to give a quarter every Sunday to the Sunday school offering. You may want to teach the child to save by requiring a quarter be put in a piggy bank. Young children should be free to spend most of their allowance as they wish. They will be learning to make decisions and they will be learning from their mistakes.

         

Don’t lecture, punish or blame a child for the way they spend their money. Instead, calmly explain that the child will have more to show for his money if he saves for a more expensive item. 

By age ten children can begin to learn more complicated money issues. You can offer a loan (from you) for something the child needs or wants immediately. Explain this is how you buy your house and your car. Be strict about the repayment plan or your lesson won’t be effective.

    

Teenagers enjoy having their own clothing allowance. This will often help them get over the desire for expensive name brand clothing and mistakes will teach them a great deal. 

         

Share with older children specific information about your own finances. Tell them about your own financial struggles or successes. Show them your budget and explain all the bills you must pay. 

         

Even young children need to hear about how you decide to use your money. Why do you save? Give examples of saving for a large purchase. Why do you give to your church or to people in need? This is an opportunity to teach them to care about the needs of others. Sharing with your children your values and priorities about money will teach them how to save, spend and share their money.

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. “ Proverbs 22:6

Blessings, Dottie

The Promises of Jesus

ETERNAL LIFE IS PROMISED!

Matthew 16:24-27 If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.....For the Son of Man is going to come in his glory with his angels and he will reward each person according to what he has done.       

Matthew 19:29-30 Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.

Mark 10:29-30 I tell you the truth, no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields - and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. 

Luke 18:29   I tell you the truth, no one who has left home or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this present age and in the age to come, eternal life.

John 5:24-25 I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned, he has crossed over from death to life. I tell you the truth, a time is coming and has now come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live. 

  

To save your life you must lose it? We must give up everything to gain eternal life? This is difficult for many Christians to understand and accept. How can you lose your life? How can you surrender all – everything, every relationship, everything precious to you? Yet letting go and committing your life into the hands of Jesus will result in much gain both in this life and in life after death. This is a promise with a huge price – but one worth everything.

John MacArthur’s comment on Matthew 16:24-27 clarifies this:

“Here is Jesus first mention of the word “cross” to His disciples. To them it would have evoked a picture of a violent, degrading death. He was demanding total commitment from them – even unto physical death – and making this call to full surrender a part of the message they were to proclaim to others…..For those who come to Christ with self-renouncing faith, there will be true and eternal life.”

Eternal life is only promised to those who truly give their heart to God. Surrendering all to Him is a difficult and a daily decision we must make. It brings many rewards in this life as well!

Dear Father,

We thank you for the promise of eternal life, the promise of heaven. What a promise! We will see you in glory! We will worship you and live in your presence. We thank you that the Holy Spirit lives in us now. Help us love you with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Help us recognize our failures to follow you and quickly repent. Help us surrender to you daily. We thank you and praise you in Jesus name. Amen

MARRIAGE MORPHING

Q.  My marriage has been unhappy for many years. My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on any topic and now we barely communicate. My husband wants us to see a counselor or take a communication course. If I thought we could make the marriage better I would see some point to doing this but I don’t believe people or marriages can really change. What do you and other experts say?

A. We can change ourselves and our relationships more than we think we can. Some years ago six year old boys were obsessed with “Morphing Power Rangers” who were able to “morph” into heroes, transformed by new abilities to do amazing things. Since then the word “morph” has become part of our vocabulary. The root for the term “morph” comes from the process of metamorphosis which is used in describing the transformation that occurs when a caterpillar “morphs” into a butterfly. What a dramatic change!

John Ortberg, in his book, The Life You’ve Always Wanted, says “It’s not just six year old boys who want to morph. The desire for transformation lies deep in every human heart. This is why people enter therapy, join health clubs, get into recovery groups, read self-help books, attend motivational seminars, and make New Year’s resolutions. The possibility of transformation is the essence of hope.” 

   

Not only do we have the desire to change many of us succeed at it. It’s not just butterflies who are capable of “morphing.” Many of us avoid change, fear change and are more comfortable staying as we are. But we are all capable of change. We may not be able to change as completely as the caterpillar does but we can change our thinking, our habits, our actions, our attitudes, our knowledge and skills, and our reactions to others. 

   

We avoid change because it takes work and its strange territory. Change means doing something out of our comfort zone. It means taking a risk. In a marriage it means opening up and sharing inner pain. It means learning to forgive and forget past hurts. It means learning to listen to each other and understand a different point of view. 

   

Marriages can change when only one person begins to change. When both work together on change they can reinvent their marriage and make it as different as a caterpillar is to a butterfly. I have seen this happen over and over.

We are conditioned by our past experiences, especially early childhood experiences. These limitations are often due to our thoughts and beliefs about our past, rather than to reality. In other words we don’t have to remain bound by our past. Psychologist Aaron Beck says that “the single belief most toxic to a relationship is the belief that the other person cannot change.” We also don’t realize the powerful difference even a small change in our own attitudes or actions can make. 

The Christian faith, when taken seriously, can also transform you and your relationships. Seek to know God and be active in a vital church. Change is not easy, but with the help of a mighty God change can amaze you.

A Christian counselor can help you and your husband break through power struggles or impasses causing difficulties. I also urge you to join The Third Option, A Weekend to Remember or Marriage Encounter. These Christian marriage groups teach couples how to understand each other and make positive changes in their relationship.

   

Take a chance and begin “morphing” your marriage. 

“Don’t copy the customs and behavior of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” Romans 12:2 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Parent Advice: The Value of Music

Q. I’m very upset because my child’s school may eliminate music education in order to reduce costs. Music has been important in my life and very beneficial to me. I’ve heard that music improves learning ability. Is there any scientific evidence that music enhances health and learning? 

A. Many researchers have studied the effect of music on a range of subjects. The earliest work on this subject studied the impact of the music of Mozart on preschoolers and on college students and showed a significant impact on learning. As a result of this research more studies on “the Mozart effect” have emerged.

University of Wisconsin researchers exposed laboratory rats to Mozart’s music. Those exposed learned to run mazes faster than genetically identical rats exposed to contemporary music or to white noise. Other researchers are studying the effect of music on spatial reasoning and on cognitive abilities in the fields of mathematics, architecture, visual arts and stress management.

A book by Don Campbell titled The Mozart Effect, and subtitled, Tapping the Power of Music to Heal the Body, Strengthen the Mind, and Unlock the Creative Spirit, details the evidence that music has quite an impact on learning and on health. Most would agree that music does affect us. It can make us feel happy, wistful, excited, comforted or even sad. But the research goes way beyond these effects and shows that music is good for us - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The research found similar benefits from Gregorian chant and from some jazz, Latin, pop and even rock music. Campbell gives case histories to show the role of music in assisting in the treatment of a variety of problems: substance abuse, obesity, insomnia, heart disease and others. He also tells of the effect of music in the operating room and the impact of lullabies in soothing infants. Research on the benefits of music suggests we should:

1. Provide music education in our schools. Also, when interest is shown, children should have the opportunity to take music lessons.

2. Play music in our homes to give us a calm environment. We also should play music for infants and young children as this apparently enhances learning.

3. Listen to music every day. Choose music that inspires you, lifts your mood, or calms you.

 

4. Join a choir/musical group and encourage children to do so.

5.  Become active in a musical, singing church. 

         

Though the researchers haven’t verified this and seem to not value Christian music, I believe listening to or singing worshipful music heals our spirits and connects us with God. This produces joy, comfort and hope in us!

“Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts.” Colossians 3:16 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

For more on the healing power of music see http://faithnotes-dottie.blogspot.com/2010/08/healing-power-of-music.html#links

The War Inside Us

Q. I’m not happy with myself, my relationships or my job. Friends and family members are negative and critical and I get my feelings hurt easily. I also get angry when they won’t listen to me or do things my way. Life seems like such a struggle. What’s my problem? What can I do to have a better life?

A. Life is a struggle for all of us at times. However, many of our struggles with others are reflections of the civil war going on inside of us. Much of our unhappiness is due to a lack of inner harmony. For example, one side of us may recognize the need to lose weight and want to do so. The other side of us rebels against this and may even feel “safer” with the extra weight. Similarly, one side of us wants to risk changing jobs. The other side is fearful and holds us back. You can’t control other people but you can change your thinking and your decisions. You can stop the inner war. Ask yourself these questions:

• What is my purpose in life? What are my beliefs and values? Your life will feel aimless or unhappy until you know your purpose. And you will be at war with yourself unless your way of life is consistent with your beliefs and values. Ask God to reveal his purpose for your life.

• Where do I want to be five years from now? If you know your goals in life but are taking no steps toward them you will feel stuck or disappointed with yourself. Prayerfully develop a plan for your life.

 

• What am I avoiding? We need to face the things that disturb us in order to overcome them. Many of us have inner pain we avoid. Facing it feels risky, but the results are freeing. Write out your hurt and pain or tell a trusted friend or counselor.

         

• Who do I need to forgive? Bitterness harms us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. When we hold a grudge we allow ourselves to be controlled by the past and by someone else. We also need to forgive ourselves and make amends to those we have hurt or wronged. Ask God to forgive you, too. He will welcome your confession.

 

• What do I lie about? Our pretenses take enormous energy and rob us of our freedom. Telling the truth and revealing ourselves takes courage. We need to accept ourselves as we are and be real. Write about telling the truth and vow before God not to lie or pretend again.

•Do I spend time on the things that are really important? The story is told of a grim, unhappy librarian on a college campus. A colleague, who saw her walking across campus happy and smiling, said "I've never seen you so happy." She replied, "I'm ecstatic. Its spring break and the students have left, so I've been able to get all the books back in the library!"

The librarian had a misperception about her job. She thought her job was to keep the books in the library rather than to loan them out. How often do we focus all our attention on the details of living and forget to spend time enjoying our families and friends and sharing our love with them?

         

•Where does God fit into my life? The Psalmist says, “My soul is restless until it rests in you.” Knowing God brings inner peace. Our “warring” sides find unity in the divine. Seek Him and you will find Him.

         

Your answers to the above questions will help you make your life more meaningful and satisfying. As you make changes pay attention to the part of yourself that holds back or sabotages your efforts. Listen to that part of yourself but don’t let it stop you. Talk back reassuringly to the needy, fearful self. Ask God for courage, too.

If you don’t make progress on your own find a Christian pastor or counselor who will mentor you. You might also read Self Talk, Soul Talk by Jennifer Rothchild, or Lord, I Want to Be Whole by Stormie Omartian.

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 5

Here are two books by Joni Eareckson Tada about time, aging, death, grieving and heaven that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

When is it Right to Die? Suicide, Euthanasia, Suffering, Mercy

By Joni Eareckson Tada

This book can be especially helpful to parents with a handicapped child. Joni Eareckson Tada, well known author and speaker, suffered a permanent spinal injury in a diving accident when she was in her teens. This book, written more than two decades later, addresses the difficult topics of suicide and euthanasia, suffering and mercy. 

The book is divided into three sections. Part 1. A Time to Live, Part 2. A Time to Choose, and Part 3. A Time to Die. Joni’s story and experiences run through out the book along with stories about others who are handicapped or dying. She offers practical and specific information and help for those who are depressed, considering suicide; those who want to die.

She speaks from her Christian faith with a strong belief in God and notes that Judiasm, Christianity, Islam and Buddhism all “recognize an intelligence behind moral evil.” He’s the devil. He was called the tempter by Jesus. There is no truth in him and his goal is death. Pg.97. The devil tells us all kinds of lies – “No one cares.” “There’s nothing more to expect from life.” “I can’t live with this depression.” And the biggest lie of all, “Nothing awaits me after death.”

This book published in 1992 continues to help people with handicaps, people with depression and those who are nearing death. There is excellent information in here from a Christian perspective. Joni’s life is a testimony in itself to the fact that every life has a God given purpose.

Heaven

By Joni Eareckson Tada

This is a beautiful, thoughtful, well written, and well researched book about Heaven as described in Scripture. The author, Joni Eareckson Tada, is a remarkable person. She is a quadriplegic in a wheelchair, has written a number of excellent books, is a national speaker, and has a ministry to disabled individuals. She pictures heaven in vivid, insightful and glorious images.

The book is divided into three parts.

1. What Will Heaven by Like?

2. Will Heaven be Home?

3. The Journey Home.

Throughout the book Joni gives illustrations from her own experiences and from the experiences of others, especially those with major handicaps. Chapter 5  Why Don’t We Fit on Earth? resonates with my own experiences. Our culture’s materialism, tasteless entertainment and corrupt morality cause me to feel this world is not my home. Joni writes “I’m a little like a refugee who is longing for a better country called heaven.” Pg. 98

Throughout the book Joni gives inspiring and thoughtful insights. For example “We are not only to ‘set our hearts on things above’ where Christ is seated, but set our minds on things above as well. That’s hard.” Pg. 127 She explains in detail why that’s hard and promises “we will have ‘the mind of Christ’ when we lay hold of Him and His ideas.” Pg.129 No book review can do justice to this book!

This is not an easy read. It must be read slowly and thoughtfully. It will challenge many Christians, especially Chapter 9 Getting Ready for Heaven and the scriptures about suffering. This book can be very helpful to anyone who is severely handicapped or who takes care of a handicapped person and wants to understand God’s perfect plan for their life.

It will give all readers a glorious view of our future home and help us focus on HIm!

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 1 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 2 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 3 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging,Death, Grieving and Heaven # 4 is here.