HOW CAN I HELP MY ADULT CHILD?

Q. Is it possible to help one of your children once they have become an adult? Is it possible to change a relationship with an adult child? Our daughter has been remote, resentful and unrevealing since college. We have tried to talk with her, but nothing works. I know we have to let go and let her find her own way in life but we see no changes happening and she is nearly forty. When we attempt to talk she denies any problems. I think she’s also drinking too much. How can we help?

A. It is very difficult to help someone who doesn’t want help. This is especially true for parents of adults. We all carry some childhood issues into adulthood. Until we work these out we avoid the influence of our parents. Your daughter’s inner struggle may be one of trying to be independent, trying to appear adequate, or she may have resentments about perceived unfairness, neglect or abuse.

   

We can change things by changing the way we relate to our adult child - being more understanding and empathic. To change things, do the following:

   

1. Reach out to your adult child. Show interest in what she is interested in. Be positive and notice her achievements. Study your adult child and learn about her.  Look for facets of her personality you never discovered before. Focus on positives and let her know what you admire about her.

   

2. Ask for forgiveness for any wrong you have done as a parent. All parents make mistakes. We yell when we know this hurts. We’re busy or tired and we push our child away. We’re critical or even abusive. Confess your mistakes of the past to your adult child and ask for forgiveness.

   

3. If she shares a problem with you, listen carefully, be understanding and recognize her pain and struggle. Don’t lecture. Don’t preach. Don’t over react. Be confident in her ability to solve the problem. Give advice only if she asks you for it and then give it tentatively. “I’m not sure what I would do in that situation but I might...”

   

4. Share from your heart rather than from your head and use “I” statements.  Don’t say, “You’re drinking too much. You may end up a drunken bum.” Do say, “I’m worried and concerned about your drinking and I wonder what is hurting you so much that it causes you to drink.”

5. Use word pictures. Describe your feelings or how you see the relationship in a word picture. This avoids stirring up a person’s defensive response and it often helps the other person understand us.  For example, “Remember how the turtle you had as a child always pulled into his shell when anyone was nearby. Sometimes when I try to talk with you it reminds me of your turtle.”

   

6. Give your love unconditionally. Do your eyes light up when you see your adult child? Do you let your adult child know how happy you are to see her, talk with her, spend time with her? Do you give hugs, pats on the back and say “I love you”? Let her know that you love her though you may not like her distancing behavior. 

   

7. Pray for your adult child. Prayer helps us let go of worry. It helps us let go of things we can’t control. Prayer also allows God to work in the life of our child and in our relationship.

   

For more help with connecting with children of any age read The Gift of Honor and The Blessing both by Gary Smalley and John Trent, Ph.D. 

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Romans 12:10 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

VACATION: A TIME FOR REST, RELAXATION AND RETREAT

Q. I’m loaded with responsibility at work. I set aside several days for a family vacation every year but I can't forget the work I’ve left behind and enjoy travel with my family. My wife would like us to take longer vacations. She says I don’t know how to really relax and I guess she’s right. What can I do to enjoy family vacations and really relax during the time off?

A. Vacation should be a time to get away from the stresses and pressures of daily living; a time for rest, relaxation and retreat. Rest rejuvenates us physically. Relaxation helps us slow down our mental “wheel spinning” and gain calmness of mind. Retreat gives us time to go within our souls and discover who we are apart from our responsibilities and our roles. We need all three.

To accomplish your goal of having a relaxing vacation, do the following:

1. Allow extra time. Allow more time than you think you will need all along the way. If you rush your wife and children to get through each day’s activities, none of you will be relaxed.

2. Don’t try to accomplish too much in one day. Everyone will be more relaxed and enjoy the trip more if you only travel 350 miles a day or if you only plan one major activity a day rather then three.  Wasting time is one of the purposes of vacations. Expect to waste time. Relish this - if you can. 

3. Build enthusiasm and excitement into the trip. Listen to the needs and wishes of other family members as well as your own. Include everyone in the plans. When possible choose activities that everyone enjoys. 

4. Be flexible. Though it helps to have some plans in place, too much planning leaves no room for spontaneity. You may discover activities at your destination that you were unaware of previously. Or you may have a delay or change of plans for a variety of reasons. Cultivate a calm, relaxed attitude. You can do this knowing that the main purpose of this trip is to relax and enjoy yourselves.

 

5. Expect some frustrations. There will be rain, road construction, bee stings, sun burn, tearful children and so forth.  

6. Deal with difficulties in a positive way. Show love and respect to each member of your family especially in the middle of a conflict or crisis. 

7. Use the vacation to get to know your wife and children better. Be a good listener; be interested in what they have to say. Play games with the children, read to them. Do things with them you normally don’t have time to do.

8. Recognize the great value of family togetherness. Shared experiences provide memories that will last a life time. Children remember the times their families did things together. It strengthens your ties to each other.

9. Learn to relax every weekend and you will enjoy next year’s vacation even more. Time doing nothing is essential to good health. Even ten minutes a day will help. Time relaxing with family throughout the year is essential to a healthy family life.

“Anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his.” Hebrews 4:10

Blessings, Dottie

LESS TV BRINGS HEALTH & HAPPINESS

Q. Television is ruining my family. I want to talk and connect with my kids and with my husband but the TV is always on. I’ve heard that TV with all the violence isn’t good for the kids and this worries me, also. I’ve told my husband how I feel but he says he’s tired after work and TV helps him relax. He doesn’t think it hurts the kids. What do you think?

A. You are correct in your belief that too much TV viewing is harmful. There’s a great deal of research which links TV watching to a variety of health problems. Obesity is one of these. Experts believe that the biggest cause of weight gain in the United States is the time spent vegetating in front of the TV. 

         

There is also evidence that the passive nature of television viewing affects the brain development of children. One study showed that both children and adults exposed to TV suffered a 20% decrease in creativity. TV may be the cause of the 20% decline in SAT scores in the last 25 years. 

         

Television interferes with thinking, with using our minds actively. Reading a book, playing a game or talking with a friend requires more. We must use our minds, our imaginations, and invest ourselves. These skills are lost when not exercised. An activity that engages our interest and imagination enriches the brain, even in adults.

         

There has been concern about the amount of violence and sexually suggestive or even immoral content in much TV programming. The effect of this violent or sexually promiscuous content cannot be positive for children, families or for our society.

         

In addition there is research which shows that the more TV viewing a person engages in the less they are involved in relationships with others, in civic, church or social activities.  Martin Seligman, psychologist, says that people who are passive, watching television are less likely to report they are happy than people who are actively doing things. 

         

Depression has increased in our society in recent decades. A study of the Amish, who do not own or watch television, showed that they have a significantly lower rate of depression than the general population. Many studies show that engagement with others is a key ingredient to health. You and your family will be happier and healthier if you turn off the TV and get involved with other people. 

         

Watching television kills conversation in families and between couples. It prevents intimacy. Marriages drift into trouble when there is little time for connecting. Children also need time to talk in order to feel loved and to learn to connect with others. 

Talk over with your husband the information about the effects of TV on all of us. Work out a plan with him to gradually decrease the amount of TV viewing the family does.  Here are some suggestions: 

·       Turn off the TV during meals. Sit as a couple talking over coffee for a while longer after the children have finished eating.

·       If banning TV from all meals is too drastic, start with one or two TV-less meals a week. 

·       Don’t use television as background noise. Turn it off if you’re not watching.

·       Only turn on a program that interests you. 

·       Get involved in other activities. Get out board games to play with your children or with each other. Go to concerts, plays or church activities together.

         

During Lent, traditionally a time of fasting and prayer, we might all consider restricting our TV viewing. Some may want to go on a TV diet. Some may choose a total fast from TV. Forty days is long enough to establish new habits.

“Change your ways. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace.” 2 Corinthians 13:11 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

The Worst Things Good Parents Do

Q.  My husband and I have different ideas about how to parent our children. We know we must work together on parenting or the children will play us against each other. Can you give us ideas to guide us in our parenting?

A.  There are many excellent parenting books as well as some parenting courses which are helpful. One book with sound ideas is The Seven Worst Things Good Parents Do by John C. Friel, Ph.D. and Linda D. Friel, M.A. The authors say that obviously there are much worse things parents can do such as abusing or neglecting their children. They chose the title because so many parents thought they were doing a good job because they weren’t torturing their children.

Here is their list of the seven worst things good parents do with a brief comment about each one. Some of the things on their list may surprise you.

         

1. Baby your child. Do you do everything for your child? Do you give your child constant attention? Do you give in to keep your child happy? Children who are babied may never learn to think and do for themselves. They will be ill equipped for the struggles of life.

         

2. Put your marriage last. Your marriage must have priority. This doesn’t mean you neglect your children. They do need time and attention. But parents need at least a few minutes on a daily basis to talk privately, to connect with each other. A regular night out together is also important. Children who are always the focus of attention have difficulty leaving home and have no idea of what a healthy marriage looks like.

         

3. Push your child into too many activities. Many parents and children in today’s world are over scheduled. If life feels like a treadmill to you, it may feel that way to your child as well. We need unscheduled time to relax and be with each other. 

         

4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual life. We all need time to be alone with ourselves and time to meditate or pray. This benefits us as well as enhancing all our relationships.  The authors say that “parents who are sincerely humble, grateful and prayerful ... produce children who are much the same.”

         

5. Be your child’s best friend. There needs to be a clear but flexible boundary between parents and their children. When the boundary is weak or missing the result is chaos, with no one in charge. When the boundary is rigid children are unable to connect with their parents.

6. Fail to give your child structure. Children learn internal control of their impulses by first experiencing external control. Parents teach their children to delay gratification by a few clear, consistent rules. As they grow they internalize these rules. They learn self control.

         

7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams. Teens need to follow their own dreams as they move into adulthood. They may not pick the career you wanted for them, they may make mistakes, and they may question your values. Parents must let go little by little. Teens will make it into successful adulthood if they have some freedom to struggle and choose their way. Parents need to provide enough structure that children develop their own internal rudders but not so much that they can’t grow up.

         

8. I would add one more very worst thing. Give your children no teaching about God, no experience in a church and no knowledge of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Children need to be exposed and taught the great truths of our faith. They need to be raised in a church community where others can mentor, teach and befriend them. There is so much they learn in a church – they learn they are loved, they learn moral and ethical values, they learn it is better to give than to receive. Most importantly they learn all about Jesus and will likely choose to be baptized and receive the Holy Spirit.

“Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.“ Proverbs 22:6 NASB

Blessings, Dottie

Parent Advice: The Value of Music

Q. I’m very upset because my child’s school may eliminate music education in order to reduce costs. Music has been important in my life and very beneficial to me. I’ve heard that music improves learning ability. Is there any scientific evidence that music enhances health and learning? 

A. Many researchers have studied the effect of music on a range of subjects. The earliest work on this subject studied the impact of the music of Mozart on preschoolers and on college students and showed a significant impact on learning. As a result of this research more studies on “the Mozart effect” have emerged.

University of Wisconsin researchers exposed laboratory rats to Mozart’s music. Those exposed learned to run mazes faster than genetically identical rats exposed to contemporary music or to white noise. Other researchers are studying the effect of music on spatial reasoning and on cognitive abilities in the fields of mathematics, architecture, visual arts and stress management.

A book by Don Campbell titled The Mozart Effect, and subtitled, Tapping the Power of Music to Heal the Body, Strengthen the Mind, and Unlock the Creative Spirit, details the evidence that music has quite an impact on learning and on health. Most would agree that music does affect us. It can make us feel happy, wistful, excited, comforted or even sad. But the research goes way beyond these effects and shows that music is good for us - physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The research found similar benefits from Gregorian chant and from some jazz, Latin, pop and even rock music. Campbell gives case histories to show the role of music in assisting in the treatment of a variety of problems: substance abuse, obesity, insomnia, heart disease and others. He also tells of the effect of music in the operating room and the impact of lullabies in soothing infants. Research on the benefits of music suggests we should:

1. Provide music education in our schools. Also, when interest is shown, children should have the opportunity to take music lessons.

2. Play music in our homes to give us a calm environment. We also should play music for infants and young children as this apparently enhances learning.

3. Listen to music every day. Choose music that inspires you, lifts your mood, or calms you.

 

4. Join a choir/musical group and encourage children to do so.

5.  Become active in a musical, singing church. 

         

Though the researchers haven’t verified this and seem to not value Christian music, I believe listening to or singing worshipful music heals our spirits and connects us with God. This produces joy, comfort and hope in us!

“Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts.” Colossians 3:16 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

For more on the healing power of music see http://faithnotes-dottie.blogspot.com/2010/08/healing-power-of-music.html#links