Grief, Unbelief and the Resurrection

Q. I know Christians believe in life after death and they base this on the fact that Jesus rose from the dead. I want to believe this is true, but my husband and unbelieving friends laugh at this. A number of our friends and relatives died this year. Death is so ugly. Life is so confusing. Jesus lived so long ago. How can anyone in today’s world really believe life goes on? How can anyone believe in the resurrection?   

A. Do you remember what the world looked like in February? Here’s a picture of my rose bushes – there were no roses under the snow. Nothing was there but dead branches. Death is ugly like the dead roses, and difficult to accept. 

                                                                          

Grieving with Hope          

We attended a number of funerals last year. All were funerals of faithful Christians. While funerals are not my favorite pastime they aren’t the worst activity either. We went to each funeral to show love and support for the family members, but each funeral also blessed us because of the faith of each family. These families believe in the resurrection. Losses are difficult and painful. Yet each of the families spoke with hope and faith about the loved one now being with God. The fact that these were Christian funerals made them a time of celebration, hope and rejoicing as well as a time of sadness at the loss of each person. 

Grieving without Hope
I’ve been to funerals where the families were without faith. These are really sad affairs. You live and you die and that’s it. There’s no eternal purpose to life. And certainly, there’s no eternal life afterward. It takes more faith to believe this than it does to believe in the resurrection of Christ. Though he lived a long time ago there is historical evidence that he rose again. There were many eye witnesses. The historical evidence is solid in Scripture and also in secular histories of that period.       

Believing in the resurrection                                                                    The song, “If You Could See Me Now,” was played at two of the funerals last year. The chorus of this song says: 

If you could see me now…
You wouldn't want me to ever leave this place,
If you could only see me now.

Nature reveals the truth of the resurrection. Remember how my roses looked in December? Here’s how they looked last May. How can we see these evidences in nature and not believe in the resurrection? This takes more faith than unbelief does.

Christ died and was buried in the tomb – he was as dead as my roses. He rose again! He’s alive. Ask him into your heart. Ask him to help you with your unbelief. Read his Word. Ask a Christian friend to help you believe in the resurrection. Visit a Christian church during this Easter season. The pastor and members will answer your questions and help you believe in the resurrection.

Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.” John 11:25-26 NIV

Blessings, Dottie

How to Stay Christian in College

Q. I'm a senior in high school and I can’t believe my high school days are almost over. I have a close knit group of Christian friends and will miss them. I know many college students have little or no faith in God. What can I do to prepare for living in a secular environment? How can I stay Christian in college?

A. Your question is an important one. Many Christian students lose their faith while in college. In fact, I lost my faith while in graduate school. I drifted away from God – I didn’t plan it; I just drifted away. I didn’t find a church nor did I join a Christian group on campus. Don’t let this happen to you.

In order to stay Christian in college it’s essential you find a Christian group of friends on campus who share your faith. It’s also essential you find a church on campus and become involved there. You need other Christians and they need you. No matter how busy you are with your studies and other activities make your Christian connections a priority. Without these, it’s doubtful you will stay Christian in college. The secular atmosphere over four years will infect and dilute your beliefs. Even if you manage to stay Christian in college without a church or Christian group your faith will not grow. College experiences with other Christians will help you become mature in the faith.

         

In college you will likely be exposed to many new ideas, beliefs and teachings. Some of these will refute the existence of God and teach you about “scientific discoveries” that challenge Scripture. In addition to skepticism about faith in God you will be exposed to many differing views on dating, sex, profanity, cheating, drinking, drugs and more.

In addition to having your own Christian community on campus to help you stay Christian in college I recommend you read three books:

·       How to Stay Christian in College

·       Ask Me Anything

·       Ask Me Anything 2

All three of these books are by J. Budziszewski (aka Professor Theophilus), a college professor. Budziszewski’s books are beautifully written and very entertaining. They include information on other beliefs, biblical insights and much practical advice. Budziszewski is a philosopher and skilled at explaining in a logical way how to stand firm in your faith and how to defend it in a secular environment where it may be questioned. He gives reasoned, direct, thoughtful Christian answers to the most difficult questions students (and all of us) face in today’s world. This includes practical tips on navigating almost every aspect of living on a college campus including dating, sex, and roommate issues.

The Ask Me Anything books are written as a dialog with a “student” in person or by email. The topics in these books range from dating, living arrangements, premarital sex, and homosexuality to how to respond intelligently to post modern, atheistic professors. I learned much from his answers and enjoyed his light hearted and caring yet tell-it-like-it-is replies. Every chapter speaks to students about the issues they face and the questions they have and will help them think logically and “Christianly” about their own life and circumstances. These books along with involvement with Christians on campus will enable you to stay Christian in college.

“Cling tightly to your faith in Christ, and always keep your conscience clear.” 1 Timothy 1:19 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

P.S.  Are you looking for graduation gifts? Give the books listed above.

STAYING MARRIED

Q.  My wife and I have been married for 30 years. We can’t resolve an issue that we’ve struggled with many times. We work it out for a while and then it pops up again. I love my wife but I’m not sure I can stay in our marriage any longer unless we resolve this. What do you suggest?  Are there good reasons to stay together?

A. There are many good reasons to stay together. All couples have some recurring difficulties at some point in their marriage. They stay together, in spite of the difficulties, for a variety of reasons. Some couples stay together because they made a commitment to each other and to God when they got married.

Some stay because it’s too hard to leave. Some stay because being married is better than being alone. Some stay but have given up on their marriage. They ignore the problems; they go their separate ways yet remain married. Some couples split and then wish they hadn’t. Their conflict blinded them to the good in their relationship. 

         

You may be interested in a book Married People - Staying Together in The Age of Divorce by Francine Klagsburn. The author studied long term marriages and came to the conclusion that there are some long-term marriages; she called “survivor marriages”, in which couples are resigned to continue to live together.  Marriages in which there is satisfaction and excitement she called "creative marriages." Most lasting marriages include some "survivor" times and some "creative" times. Even the most creative marriages will have some empty spots or lulls. Also, a seemingly empty marriage may actually be built on deep attachments.

         

A marriage of 30 years lasts, in part, because of the positives in the relationship, because of the “creative” times. Are you focusing on this one problem and forgetting many other areas or times in your marriage that have been good?  

         

Some couples split, marry someone else and find the same issue or issues coming up again in their new marriage. The conflict between you has something to do with you as well as with your wife. Leaving won’t solve it and will be more painful than staying.

         

Many couples stay because they have grown up and matured in their marriage; they have struggled and worked out differences. They love each other and are content though they know they may have new struggles in the future. 

    

In a poll done by Psychology Today magazine, a man married for twenty plus years said, “Commitment means a willingness to be unhappy for a while.”  Commitment also means we are willing to work on the relationship; we are willing to put time and effort into resolving issues, even 30 year old issues. 

         

Joseph Campbell in his book An Open Life describes marriage as an ordeal. It’s an ordeal because we must give up some of our self-centeredness; we must surrender or sacrifice our own wants. Life is simpler alone. We can do as we please without paying attention to the needs of others. In marriage we must give ourselves continually, over and over to the relationship.

         

Life is a learning process. We learn not when things are easy but when they’re difficult. When we have to struggle we grow. Perhaps God designed marriage to force us grow rather than to make us happy!  Look on the differences and difficulties in your marriage as opportunities to learn and grow.

         

The Third Option educational group or the Weekend to Remember can help you get unstuck and can help you regain a contented, growing love for each other.  I also recommend you read Love Is A Decision by Gary Smalley and Love Is A Choice by Drs. Robert Hemfelt, Frank Minirth and Paul Meier. Christian counseling can also help couples who are stuck.

“Be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds.” 1 Peter 3:8 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving & Heaven

I’ll be reviewing a series of books on time, aging, death, grieving and heaven. This is part one. There’s much to learn here.

Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders 

by Mary Pipher, Ph.D.

Another Country is an outstanding, valuable book for anyone concerned about parents or grandparents who are aging and need help. The book is beautifully written – it’s a New York Times best seller. Pipher, a clinical psychologist, is knowledgeable about seniors and researched this subject extensively. She comments on the fact that our culture has changed dramatically – people are living longer yet our culture worships youth; families live at great distances from each other leaving grandparents isolated and alone.

Pipher offers many vignettes of adult children and their aging parents. Some of these stories demonstrate the helpfulness of a counselor in thinking through tough family decisions and in solving contentious family relationships.

Pipher invites us to overcome our aversion to thinking and talking about death and helps us understand elders. She says adult children live in “different time zones” from their parents and this causes difficulty understanding each other. Throughout the book she emphasizes the need for intergenerational community and offers ways to implement this. There is a wealth of information here for all generations to learn from and put to use in their relationships with each other. It is also a delightful book to read.

When Your Family’s Lost A Loved One: Finding Hope Together

By David and Nancy Guthrie

When Your Family's Lost A Loved One is a very insightful book about the difficult topic of grieving and loss. The Guthries share their experiences in losing two babies. In addition to telling their story of loss, they interview several others who have faced a difficult loss and they include information from experts. There are chapters on Her Grief, His Grief, Helping Kids Cope and ideas about handling birthdays, holidays and death days – and on remembering. This is a valuable resource for Christian families.

Beyond the Scars: Daring to Live Forward 

By F. Elaine Olsen

Beyond the Scars describes one woman’s journey of faith through the shock of a diagnosis of breast cancer, painful surgery, and difficult treatments. Olsen gives an honest, vulnerable account of her emotions and describes how she held onto her faith. She discoveed valuable faith lessons in her suffering – lessons that will help many others with any type of suffering. This beautifully written book contains forty devotional chapters with scripture, prayer and questions to ponder. Buy this for friends in similar circumstances.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Doing Hard Things & Making A Difference

This was published on my blog on April 18, 2010. Some how it was taken down so I'm adding it here in February 2015.

We’ve been talking about choosing change and doing hard things. If you want to

be inspired to change, to take risks, to help others – I have two books to recommend.

Three Cups of Tea:

One Man's Mission to Promote Peace...One School at a Time

By Greg Mortenson

This is an inspiring true story of one man’s determination to build schools in a remote and dangerous area of Pakistan. Mortenson, in the Himalaya’s mountain climbing, ran into difficulty and was rescued by the people in a remote village. He promised he would return and build them a school. And he did – plus much more.

Do Hard Things: A Teen-age Rebellion Against Low Expectations

By Alex and Brett Harris

This book was written by the Harris twins when they were 18 years old. They had already done amazing things with their life. Read and be amazed and challenged.

Is anything too hard for the Lord? Genesis 18:14

Both of these books challenge and inspire me to do God’s will even when it’s hard.

Blessings, Dottie

Parent Advice: The Value of Faith

Q.  My husband and I are appalled by the materialism and greed in our culture. We’ve lost close relatives recently and this has made us wonder about the purpose of life. Both of us are searching spiritually. We’re attending a church and taking our children with us. Will this help our children grow up to be less self centered and less materialistic?  Does faith affect morality?

A. You are not alone in your concerns about our culture or in your search for spiritual meaning. Research evidence shows that religious faith helps children. Stanford psychologist William Damon says children are “openly receptive to spiritual ideas” and long for a faith that will provide them with a mission in life. Children thrive with a faith which teaches concerns larger than self. Such a faith enables children to weather difficult and even traumatic life events.

Faith can help keep children and teens out of trouble.  Researchers have studied not just what causes crime but what predicts virtue.  A “spiritual sense” is one of the factors predicting moral behavior in children. The National Commission on Children agrees with these findings. They state “through participation in a religious community - in communal worship, religious education, and social action programs - children learn to assimilate the values of their faith. For many children, religion is a major force in their moral development; for some it is the chief determinant of moral behavior.”

         

Vanderbilt University criminologist Byron Johnson found that most delinquent acts were by juveniles who had little religious commitment. Church going young people were rarely delinquent. Similarly, cities with high church-going rates are usually cities with low crime rates.

How much does faith determine morality? Obviously there are many good people with no faith and many people of faith who are immoral but over all people of faith are more honest and law abiding. They also are more compassionate.

Researchers have found a clear connection between faith and generosity. A Gallup Survey showed that Americans who never attended church gave away 1.1 percent of their incomes while weekly church goers were two and a half times as generous. Twenty-four percent of the population gave 48 percent of all charitable contributions. Those who were spiritually committed also volunteered their time to help the poor, sick or elderly more often than those who declared no faith. 

         

Active involvement in your faith supports the values we all would like to see grow in our culture such as:

·      Nurture of families and family life.

·      Close relationships across generation lines; a community of people who celebrate the significant moments of life with you and miss you when you’re gone.

·      Children learning empathy, self discipline, honesty, generosity, caring for others.

·      Children and adults living the virtues of kindness, faithfulness and love.

·      A spiritual understanding that God cares for us and is with us. 

         

You’re on the right track in becoming active in a church. According to the researchers you and your family will be happier and healthier than your unchurched neighbors. More importantly, you will find peace of mind and meaning and purpose to life as you continue to seek God.

“I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” John 12:46

Blessings, Dottie

Valuing Ash Wednesday

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, a special day celebrated in many Christian churches. Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent, the beginning of the 40 week days before Easter. Lent is observed in many Christian churches as a period of prayer, fasting, confession, repentance, and self-denial. It echoes the 40 days in the wilderness Jesus spent fasting and overcoming temptation. It also assists Christians in focusing on Jesus resolute journey leading to his crucifixion and resurrection. We learn to identify with his unwavering obedience. We recognize the price he paid for us.

Our faith journey, described in Changing Churches, began in a United Methodist Church - a church that observes Ash Wednesday. Throughout our years there, Ash Wednesday marked the beginning of a solemn and holy time of reflection. While searching for a church in 2008 we attended an Ash Wednesday service at another Methodist Church. I noted in my journal:

           

We sang six verses of "Just as I Am" and "There is a Fountain Filled with Blood." The hymns, responsive readings, confession, and pastor's message, touched and filled us. We received ashes in the shape of the cross on our foreheads and took Communion - opening and recommitting ourselves to Him. What a sacred event!

Prayer Journaling

In 2004 the teacher of my ladies Bible class mentioned journaling Psalm 51 (about David's sin), one phrase at a time, for the forty days of Lent. This proved to be a sobering but valuable exercise. In order to build up the church, Christians must change and grow. We must face our own sin and repent. The next forty days are a good time to focus on this in prayer.

Understanding the Church Calendar

For those not in a liturgical church, Mark Galli's explanation from his book Beyond Smells and Bells, may help you appreciate the emphasis on the church calendar. He writes:

             

The church calendar aims at nothing less than to change the way we experience time and perceive reality. . . . Advent signals the new year. For the church, the annual rhythm is not winter, spring, summer and fall, but Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, Easter and Pentecost. . . . The church calendar is not about the cycle of life - school or sports or harvest time - but about the movement of history toward a glorious goal. We celebrate the past events of history not merely to remember them, but note how they infuse the present with meaning and power, and point us to our future hope.

Let this be a Holy season for all Christians to ponder and pray and deepen our faith.

Blessings, Dottie