Love That Lasts

Q.  My wife of ten years says she loves me but she’s not “in love” with me.  She thinks she has to have a romantic feeling for me all the time to be in love. We’ve disagreed about what married love should be. Can you tell us? 

A. Most people think that “being in love” is what makes a good marriage. Yet what do we mean by this? What are the ingredients of love? Married love is wonderfully complex. We can experience love and anger, excitement and boredom, security and hurt, contentment and disappointment all within marriage. We may even experience all of these in a single day.

Robert Sternberg, a Yale University psychologist, identified a three sided picture of love made up of passion, intimacy and commitment. Passion involves sexual and sensual arousal. It involves an intense desire for physical affection with the beloved. Passion alone can blind us to each other’s faults. It can lead to extreme possessiveness and to an unhealthy dependence on each other. It can be self-centered and demanding.

         

The second side of the triangle is intimacy. Passion alone is not enough. We must truly know the other person. Intimacy involves knowing each other better than we know anyone else. Trust is high and we share our deepest, truest self with the other person. We are accepted in spite of our flaws and failures. Intimacy provides closeness and acceptance. We are best friends, soul mates.

         

The third side of the triangle is commitment. To be committed involves a decision, a choice, and an act of our will. We commit our life to the other person - no matter what the future holds. When we disagree, our commitment to each other holds us through the struggle. When we face illness or misfortune, our commitment allows us to hang in there. When committed it doesn’t matter what the other person does or how I feel, we love no matter what. The length and health of a marriage depends on the strength of commitment.

         

Sternberg’s triangle changes shape depending on the varying levels of passion, intimacy and commitment. A triangle with three equal sides is well balanced, ideal. But love is unbalanced when one side is longer than the others. 

“Romantic love” is unbalanced with a great deal of passion and some intimacy.  “Foolish love” involves passion and commitment but no intimacy. It is foolish because the commitment is made solely on the basis of passion without an intimate knowledge of the other person. “Companionable love” includes intimacy and commitment with passion absent or minimal. This type of marriage is a long term committed friendship. 

         

A marriage with all three components equal is the ideal. Most marriages achieve this some of the time. Expecting to have this all the time is unrealistic. At times couples will be out of step with each other. One may want more passion, the other more intimacy. Or passion may fade during misfortune, illness or aging. Married love requires effort, struggle and work. It doesn’t just happen.

Christian marriage goes beyond the above description and is based on unconditional love and mutual submission to each other. Christians are to love each other as Christ loved the church –  with sacrificial love in action. This kind of love is not a feeling – it’s a total commitment of mind, body and soul.       

Marriage Encounter, Weekend to Remember and the Third Option are three programs that can help your marriage. Two excellent marriage books that can help are The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller and Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. I suggest you and your wife go to one of the above programs and also read one of these books together. Don’t ignore the problems you’re having. Seek help in one of the groups mentioned or in counseling with a pastor or Christian counselor.

“Each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

The Birthday of the Church

This Sunday is the day of Pentecost, the birthday of the church. Most Christians know that the birth of the church occurred on the day of Pentecost, but I suspect most Christians don’t know what Pentecost meant to the Jewish people at that time. Pentecost was a Jewish festival fifty days after Passover. Pentecost celebrated the giving of the law to Moses and two loaves were offered to God in gratitude for the harvest. The Jewish law required that no work be done on the day of Pentecost. Crowds of Jews gathered in Jerusalem from various countries to celebrate this Jewish festival.

At the Ascension Jesus ordered the disciples to go to Jerusalem and wait. Just wait. Waiting is not easy for most of us but they obeyed. Scripture says:

“They all joined together constantly in prayer.” (Acts1:14)

There were 120 believers gathered together including the disciples, and other followers both men and women and Jesus brothers. They prayed for ten days! Perhaps this is a lesson to us that we need to pray more in order for the church to be in tune with and full of Holy Spirit power.

On the day of Pentecost the disciples were in the upper room praying. Scripture says:

When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them. Acts 2:1-4

Hearing the noise, a crowd gathered. Peter preached to the throng of people. He gave a powerful, convicting message explaining that Jesus was the Christ and was crucified, died and rose again. He was seen by many witnesses for forty days and then He ascended to the right hand of God and sent the promised Holy Spirit.

When the people heard Peter’s message, “they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?” (Acts 2:37)Peter replied, “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off— for all whom the Lord our God will call.”

With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them, “Save yourselves from this corrupt generation.” Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day. Acts 2:38-41

Following this “They devoted themselves to the apostles teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer….And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.” (Acts 2:42, 2:47)

As a result, of this small group of Holy Spirit empowered men and women, within a century half the then-known world came to Christ.

There is so much more in the first two chapters of Acts. Read all of it today; learn more and be inspired by the birthday of the Church. And vow to spend more time in prayer and in the Word.

Blessings, Dottie

Ascension Day!

High and Lifted Up!

Scripture tells us that forty days after Jesus resurrection, that is, forty days after Easter, He ascended to heaven. This means that Ascension Day 2015 is this week on Thursday, May 14th. There are accounts of this in Luke and Acts.

The Scripture account in Luke reports:

Luke 24:50- 52 When he had led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, he lifted up his hands and blessed them. While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven. Then they worshiped him and returned to Jerusalem with great joy. And they stayed continuously at the temple, praising God.

Forty days after his resurrection, Jesus met His disciples on the Mount of Olives. Imagine their excitement, believing that now Jesus would establish His kingdom on earth and fulfill the great promise the Jews had clung to for centuries. Christ would be king, not just of Israel but of the whole world. Then the moment was upon them; their beloved Jesus was with them. Acts 1:6-12 then reports:

They asked Him,” Lord, are you at this time going to restore the kingdom to Israel?”

He said to them, “It is not for you to know the times of dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight. They were looking intently into the sky as he was going, when suddenly two men dressed in white stood before them. “Men of Galilee,” they said, “Why do you stand here looking into the sky? This same Jesus, who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way you have seen him go into heaven.”

We need to take note today of this amazing event in history. Barclay says, “The Ascension was an absolute necessity. There had to be a final moment when Jesus was taken back to the glory that was his.” Barclay notes that the end of his resurrection appearances had to come to a definite end rather than just peter out. Also he says, “If Jesus was to give his followers unanswerable proof that he had returned to glory the Ascension was absolutely necessary.”

There is much to ponder about this amazing event in history when Jesus

returned to glory. And He’s coming back!

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven #3

Here are two books about heaven that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

Letters to Heaven by Calvin Miller

Letters to Heaven is a fascinating book. Calvin Miller writes to people who have preceded him in reaching eternity. Each person impacted his life. A number of the people he writes to are well known including C.S. Lewis, Todd Beamer, and Madeleine L’Engle. Many are unknown. The girl in the iron lung brings memories of polio, the most dreaded childhood disease in the 20^th Century. Another letter is written to a man who died beside him on a flight. He includes a letter to his mother and one to a brother who died in childhood. Miller's own experiences and wisdom weave throughout the book.

Calvin Miller was a pastor, a professor and a writer. I previously read his books Life is Mostly Edges (a memoir) and Letters to Young Pastors (both excellent). I wanted to read this book because he replied kindly when I sent him a copy of my book, Changing Churches. Also, I knew he recently went on to heaven himself. He impacted my life in a small but meaningful way.

HEAVEN: A World of Joy by Jonathan Edwards

I discovered this sixty-three page booklet in my church library and was intrigued to read what the famous preacher Jonathan Edwards had to say about heaven. Many have heard of his sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.”

His thoughts on heaven are both simple and complex and all very beautiful. Citing 1 Corinthians 13:8-10 Edwards says “The doctrine I would desire to draw from this text is, that HEAVEN IS A WORLD OF DIVINE LOVE.” 

Edwards covers 

1. The great cause and fountain of love in heaven.

2. The objects of love in heaven.

3. The subjects of love in heaven.

4. The principle or essence of love in heaven.

5. The excellent circumstances in which love is exercised, expressed and enjoyed in heaven.

6. The happy effects and fruit of all this.

The circumstances he lists in chapter 5 inspired me.

1. Love in heaven is always mutual.

2. The joy of heavenly love shall never be interrupted or stifled by jealousy.

3. There shall be nothing within themselves to block or hinder the saints in heaven in the exercises and expressions of love.

4. In heaven love will be expressed with perfect decency and wisdom.

5. There shall be nothing external in heaven to keep its inhabitants at a distance from each other, or to hinder their most perfect enjoyment of each other’s love.

6. In heaven all shall be united together in very near and dear relations.

7. In heaven all shall have property and ownership in each other.

8. In heaven they shall enjoy each other’s love in perfect and uninterrupted prosperity.

9. In heaven all things shall combine to promote their love, and give advantage for mutual enjoyment.

10. The inhabitants of heaven shall all know that they will continue in the perfect enjoyment of each other’s love forever.

No more tears, no more night – the fullness of love given and received eternally. What a vision and promise for those who know Christ and have accepted him as Lord and Savior.

Readers can Google the title and find Jonathan Edwards book on line in its entirety.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 1 is here.

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven # 2 is here.

FAILURE’S LESSONS

Q. I’m twenty-two years old and I feel like a failure. Others know how to say just the right thing. I stutter, put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing. Others work hard and get promoted. I work hard and lose my job. Others get married and live happily ever after. I can’t even keep a girl friend. Is there any hope for me? 

A. You have failed at some things. This doesn’t mean your life is a total failure. Failure is painful and difficult but we all fail. Most of us fail every day. We’re lazy, selfish, tired, uncaring. We do or say something impulsively that hurts those we love. We do dumb things. We make mistakes. We don’t keep our promises. Our judgment is poor. We see only the trees and miss the forest. We’re all pros at failing. You’re not the only one!

The good news is that failure is one of life’s best teachers. We learn lessons from failure we would never learn if we succeeded at everything we did. Toddlers learn to walk only by falling down repeatedly. Older children learn to ride a two wheeled bike only after a few mishaps. Inventors learn to create new products only after their ideas fail over and over again.

 

Some blame God when they fail. Why did God let me mess up? Why did God allow me to lose my job? God allows us to fail so we will learn just as parents allow children to make their own mistakes in life. 

Some, like you, blame yourself. “I always mess up.” “I’m a failure.” “I can’t handle life.” Such total blame of self may lead to a depressive spiral downward. It’s more productive is to ask, “What part did I play in this failure?” “Where did I go wrong?” “What can I do differently?” Facing our faults isn’t easy but it can teach you how to succeed the next time.

Some blame others when they fail. “My boss has had it in for me on everything I’ve done from the very beginning.” “No one in the entire company would help me with that project, no wonder it failed.” When we use global blaming statements we escalate our anger and despair. Also global statements are not true. We need to recognize that we share the responsibility for what happens. Others did let us down but we played a part in it. 

         

Some dwell on their failures hiding from life, avoiding contact with others, nursing pain. There is a fine line between wallowing in self-pity or self hatred and facing our feelings honestly. Many will need to recognize and let go of anger, fear, and hurt feelings before accepting their own part in what has happened. But we must finally learn from past failures and then let go of them. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

         

We also need to ask others for forgiveness. When we fail we often hurt others in the process. Asking forgiveness of those we have hurt involves admission of fault and determination to not repeat that hurt. We also need to repair the damage in any way we can.

         

What lessons can we learn from failure? We learn we are human, not perfect. We learn to accept the things we can’t control. We learn to put more thought and effort into what we do. We learn that when we fall down we need to get up and try again. We learn to ask for forgiveness. We learn to be kind to others who also fail. 

I hope you will see a pastor or a Christian counselor to help you understand and accept your failures and grow beyond them; to help you learn failure’s lessons. There is hope for you.

“Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.” Psalm 31:24

Blessings, Dottie

THE WORK OF MARRIAGE

 Q.  My husband hurt me deeply over something he considers minor. After we talked about it I felt better and I told him I was willing to forgive him. He was offended by this saying I was making him out as the bad guy and myself as a “goody two shoes” with my talk of forgiveness. 

I told him he was the bad guy in this case as he hurt me. We ended up in a fight, all because I offered forgiveness! What’s our problem and what can we do to solve it?

A.  Marriage is not easy! In the context of our closest relationships an argument can erupt over most anything. We can create a conflict even when we’re trying to resolve a problem or when we’re trying to reach out in forgiveness! We can make things better by learning from our conflicts. The frustrations of marriage are our growing points, the areas we need to examine, talk about and change.  In other words it will help to study the communication patterns between you. Ask yourself the following:

1.  Are you and your husband in a cycle of hurt and blame? Is there a pattern of arguing or distance, of sarcasm or teasing, of subtle or not so subtle put-downs?  If any of these patterns fit you, you will both need to own up to your own part in this pattern and begin to change it. Respect is essential to a comfortable and happy relationship. Begin treating your partner the way you treat your friends.

2. Do you feel or act superior to your husband? Most anything we do, even offering forgiveness, can be used as a form of control or as a way to judge or look down on the other person. Apparently this is how your husband took your comments even though you were sincere in offering forgiveness. When we are condescending in any way we may continue the battle. We have the upper hand. We can sling guilt, lording over our partner the terrible wrong he or she has committed. 

         

3. Are you aware that you can be very hurt by your husband’s behavior even though he did not intend to hurt you? His motive for doing what he did may be totally unrelated to its effect on you. 

4. Are you both aware that you cannot expect another person to be responsible for your feelings? Our feelings are a guide for us as to our own inner self. Our feelings are our individualized reactions and depend on many things including our past experiences, our beliefs, and our thoughts. Often deep emotions are triggered by an unconscious hurt from the past. Our current upsetting situation reminds us in some way of this past event.

         

5. If your husband has wronged you, betraying an agreement you had between you or not keeping a promise, then in this specific instance he is the wrong doer and you are the person who has been hurt. In this case he would need to accept responsibility for what he has done and do all he can to repair the damage. In the actual complex interaction between a couple often both have contributed to the pain in the relationship.

         

Counseling can help you learn and grow in your relationship. Counseling can help you create a happier marriage. See a Christian counselor together so your communication pattern (the interaction between you) will be the focus of most of the help given.

“Love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything.” 1 Peter 4:8 The Message

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving and Heaven #2

Here are two books that will give you new perspectives about what living and dying is all about. These books will grow your faith, help you live with purpose and guide you through grief.

When the Game is over

IT ALL GOES BACK IN THE BOX

By John Ortberg

It All Goes Back in the Box by John Ortberg, pastor and best selling author, is a clever and wise book about the fact that life is short and often our priorities are flawed and driven by plans for worldly success. Playing Monopoly with his grandmother taught Ortberg that when the game is over it all goes back in the box. This game metaphor for life continues throughout the book pointing out that the object in life is not to win houses, hotels, fame or fortune. The object for a Christian is to “be rich toward God.”

Ortberg gives a detailed game plan for living life intentionally and with significance. Chapter titles include Three Ways to Keep Score, Master the Inner Game, Resign as Master of The Board, and more. In the chapter titled No One Else Can Take Your Turn, Ortberg describes his experience playing doubles tennis with his father in a match they wanted to win. With a tied score, his first shot went outside the lines. It was all up to his second shot. There was no bench player who could take his place. There are no passes in life. Comparing life to a calendar he suggests we fill each day (square) with what matters most. Beware of Your Shadow Mission is also a significant chapter. We can think we’re in the will of God and be deceived. This is an excellent book that should inspire many Christians to live more intentionally. 

The full title points out that after a game is over (such as Monopoly) it all goes back in the box.

THE DAWN OF HOPE: Encouragement for those who grieve

By Eldyn Simons

The Dawn of Hope is a small book with a brilliant hope-filled message for all who grieve. The author, Eldyn Simons, recounts the loss of his sixteen year old son who died in a plane crash while on a summer student exchange trip to Peru. There is no loss more difficult than the loss of a child. There is no loss more difficult than the sudden loss of a child.

The author has walked this road of grief and knows the tremendous pain and suffering it entails. He teaches the importance of facing the pain as well as how to hang onto God and the hope that He offers.

In short chapters beginning with a scripture and ending with a poem and a prayer, Simons tells about the loss of his son and recounts other losses—the loss of a spouse, the loss of the older generation, even the loss of a child by miscarriage.

God led Simons on a “journey of wonder and discovery” after the darkest night of his soul. He says God “will take you to many unexpected places, places of which you may never even have dreamed…. He will teach us how to bear the pain, how to laugh again, how to once more taste life’s sweetness. He will never leave us.”

He also says, “Our responsibility is to hold fast to God, to snuggle close so nothing can come between us. His part is to cover us with his love, to encourage and nourish us with His life that we may be fruitful in our service to him, no matter what conditions surround us.” This is a marvelous little book for those who are grieving. This was published in 2000 so you may need to buy a used book.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

Book Reviews on Time, Aging, Death, Grieving & Heaven #1 is here.