THE TRUTH ABOUT SEX

Q. My husband and I have been married for three years. We are both unhappy with our sex life and some times even fight about it. We thought that sex in marriage would be easier than the disappointing pre-marital experiences we both had. Why are we having such a hard time?

A. Our culture, especially the media, portray sex in very unrealistic ways. In fact, they promote lies about sex. They make us think that sex is easy, sex is free and sex can be engaged in with any willing partner. And happiness will result.

           

Jenell Williams Paris, professor of anthropology, writes on this subject in the November 12, 2001 issue of Christianity Today. She cites an episode on Friends in which Monica, a lead character, is sick with the flu. In spite of a terrible cough and feeling sick she entices her boy friend, Chandler, by seductively rubbing her chest with Vicks.  Paris says, “In real life, women with hacking coughs and achy bodies don’t seduce their partners with decongestant medications.” She also points out that being single is the norm on Friends, yet the three actresses are all married. 

           

Television shows and movies portray sexuality unrealistically. Sex is pictured as unrelated to a relationship and requiring no commitment. It is spontaneous and easy. There is little or no dialog. Interaction between the couple is largely non-verbal. This leads many couples to believe that sex should be easy and “just happen.”

           

This is a far from the truth. Sex may at times be easy but only when a couple have previously built a relationship that is intimate. This requires work. Verbal communication is essential. Some negotiation as to when, where and how often is required by all couples. Individuals differ as to their interest, comfort about sex, and ability to bare their souls. 

           

The media does not portray real life. Do we ever see a lack of interest in sex due to illness, parenthood or life stresses? Fatigue alone can rob us of the energy for sex. 

           

In real life sex is not free. We must talk about birth control and agree on what type we will use. We must deal with late periods, unwanted pregnancy, and even sexually transmitted diseases. Television shows us only the sensual and easy side of sex. 

           

Meaningful sex is costly, not free as TV would have us believe. It requires a life long commitment to be faithful to each other. It requires trust, vulnerability and honesty to achieve the best intimacy marriage offers. 

           

Here are some things you and your husband can do to help your sex life. Expect it to take work and don’t expect it to be as pictured on TV.

           

1. Communication is essential and so is time together. Talk about every aspect of your relationship to help your sex life improve. Express resentments and let go of them. Share secrets and dreams. Communicate about sex giving each other specific details about your needs, wants, likes and dislikes. Be good listeners, open to hearing each others viewpoints. 

           

2. Be romantic. Say "I love you." Let your partner know on a daily basis what you love, appreciate and value about him or her.

           

3. Be affectionate. Give hugs and kisses often. Hold hands. Sleep together - casually touching and being touched is comforting and stimulating.

           

4. Create Privacy. If you have children put a lock on your bedroom door.

           

5. Schedule time alone together and time for intimacy. Give it top priority. 

6. Pray together. This is the most intimacy building thing you can do –it will bond you together with each other and with God.

           

If problems continue, see a Christian marriage counselor.

Blessings, Dottie

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you.” Proverbs 3:3

PARENT-TEEN POWER STRUGGLE: A PAINFUL VICIOUS CIRCLE

Q. What’s wrong with my daughter? She has book sense but no common sense. She is 18, attends college and works part time. She harps on little things and continues for hours or even days arguing with me on the same minor issue. She never thinks she’s at fault and often thinks no one loves her. She argues with her boyfriend in the same way she argues with me. What’s her problem and how can I help her?

You and your daughter are in a power struggle. A power struggle is, as it says, a struggle for power or control. The subject you argue about doesn’t matter. You’re both saying “I’m right” or “No, I’m right.” It takes two to argue; it takes two to have a power struggle.    

           

When a power struggle continues over a period of years it affects everyone. All family members feel some anger, resentment, or hurt as a result of the unhappy dialogue that poisons the home. Behind a parent/teen power struggle is the healthy need on the part of the teen to be independent, to do things “my way,” to express his or her unique individuality. This bumps up against the parent’s role as guardian and the parent’s desire to teach and help the young person avoid problems or dangers.

Stopping the Vicious Circle

First you need to realize you are not to blame for the problem but you do contribute to it in the way you respond to your daughter. A power struggle is a vicious circle and this circle needs to be interrupted.

           

How to Change a Power Struggle

To stop the power struggle you will need to change the way you react or respond to your daughter.

1. Refuse to argue with her. Arguing doesn’t solve anything. Nor does it make a teen-ager listen. This may be difficult. You may have to bite your tongue. Back off when ever you realize you are arguing with her.  

           

2. Learn to see things from her point of view. One technique which helps is to use mirroring. If your daughter says “I’ve had a bad day and I’m too tired to clean my room.” Respond by repeating (mirroring) this back to her, “You’ve had a bad day and you’re too tired to clean your room right now.” Saying this will help her feel understood. 

           

3. Become a good listener. You might ask her to tell you more about her bad day. Most of us will open up when someone listens and accepts what we say without disagreeing, without dismissing our concern or pain, and without offering advice.

           

4. Don’t get drawn back into the struggle. Changing the way you respond to your daughter will not be easy. She will attempt to draw you back into arguments.

5. Focus on solutions. When she complains resist the urge to defend yourself. Ask her, “What do you wish would change?” Then listen.

           

6. Don’t overreact. Don’t tolerate disrespect - let her know it’s not acceptable - but don’t overreact to it either. Realize that she doesn't have the life experience that you do. Therefore, her problems may seem minor to you yet be overwhelming to her. Similarly, your worries may be of no concern to her.

           

7. Focus on positives. Tell her what you are pleased with about her. Find ways to have fun together.

“It is better to be patient than powerful; it is better to have self-control than to conquer a city.”  Proverbs 16:32 NLT

Blessings, Dottie

This post originally appeared on Taber's Truths. 

The Commands of Jesus

DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT TO SAY

Matthew 10:19-20  When they arrest you do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

Mark 13:11 Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking but the Holy Spirit.

Luke 12:11-12  When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.

Luke 21:14 Make up your mind not to worry before hand how you will defend yourselves.

DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT TO SAY

Father,

The times have become so unChristian or anti-Christian that whether we’re arrested or just in an unfriendly atmosphere we need to discern what to say and how to say it to present the Truth. Help us learn to lean on you, trust you, discern your ways and walk in them so we will be prepared for such a time. We want to be open enough and in tune enough for the Holy Spirit to speak through us in helping and reaching others for you, whatever the situation.

FLEE PERSECUTION

Matt. 10:23  When you are persecuted in one place, flee to another.

FLEE PERSECUTION

Father,

I’m glad you have this instruction to flee persecution! This would no doubt be my first inclination. The disciples dispersed to all parts of the known world due in part to persecution - and the result was the spread of the Gospel. We pray for the many Christians around the world who suffer persecution and even imprisonment for their faith. Help them be strong in the faith. Guide, guard and protect them – and use them mightily. 

Lord, I just received a mailing from Voice of the Martyrs with stories of persecution of Christians especially now in Syria. The persecution is from both sides in the conflict. Some Christians are staying there in spite of the danger because they believe You want them to be your witnesses there. What courage and dedication they have. We pray for the Christians in Syria. Bless, guide and protect them. May they inspire boldness in others including us. In Jesus name, Amen

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:10 NIV

Blessings, Dottie

Does Tone of Voice Matter?

Q. My wife objects to my tone of voice which she says sounds angry or harsh. She accuses me of yelling at her and the kids. I think I talk in a normal tone of voice even when we’re disagreeing. She gets angry about my tone of voice and then we have words and we both end up angry. Does tone of voice really matter?  How can we solve this problem? 

A. Tone of voice does matter. It’s really true that “a soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” as Proverbs 15:1 tells us. A study was done years ago to discover how tone of voice affected men in the Navy being given orders. The results showed that the way a sailor was addressed largely determined the kind of response he gave. When a sailor was given an order in a soft voice he responded in a soft voice. When he was shouted at his answer was also sharp.

What we say and the way we say it affects the response we get and leads to either conflict or peace. The words that we say often give a mixed message due to our tone of voice. Our voice conveys a different message than the content. For example, it’s possible to say “Good morning!” in a tone of voice that let’s those around us know whether we’re happy, sad, tired or angry. Our voice can be mellow or harsh, sad or cheerful, tense or relaxed, serious or flippant, hostile or affectionate, gruff or warm, explosive or tender. 

           

When your wife complains about your tone of voice you need to pay attention. This doesn’t mean you are wrong and your wife is right. She may be highly sensitized to tone of voice or yelling as a result, for example, having had a parent who yelled. Accept the fact that to your wife your voice sounds harsh or even frightening. Make a point of softening your voice. Choose a signal your partner can use to tell you when your voice is becoming loud or harsh.

           

Practice saying a phrase to your wife in a variety of voice tones while she identifies your mood. The phrase you use can be anything with neutral meaning - “Good Morning!” “Pass the salt” or “How was your day?” Then reverse this. This will help you both learn to tune into the underlying feelings in the other person. It will also help you learn that much of what we communicate is communicated non-verbally. Tone of voice matters. 

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Proverbs 15:1

Blessings, Dottie

The Commands of Jesus

ASK THE LORD FOR HARVEST WORKERS

Matt. 9:35-38 Jesus went through all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into his harvest.”

Luke 10:2 ”The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into his harvest.”

John 4:35  ”I tell you open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.”

ASK THE LORD FOR HARVEST WORKERS

In Mathew’s gospel the context of this plea for workers gives many details: Jesus has been preaching and teaching the good news in many towns and he healed every disease and sickness. Yet in looking over the crowd he has compassion on them because they are “harassed and helpless” like lost sheep. The Message says “his heart broke” because they are “confused and aimless.” Jesus is moved because their spiritual needs are even more desperate than their need for physical healing. This is often true of us and our world. Aren’t today’s people in our nation as well as other nations “harassed and helpless?” Aren’t many “confused and aimless?” Aren’t our spiritual needs at the root of many of our troubles?

Jesus’ call for harvest workers is not as simple as I thought. He tells the disciples to PRAY to the Lord so he will send more workers. Jesus in effect is saying our prayers make a difference. Our prayers to God for workers are effective and result in people hearing God’s call. Are we called to be workers? We should first pray and then wait for God’s specific call on our lives. What does he want me to do? There is a great need for many workers to help our sin-sick world.

PRAYER FOR HARVEST WORKERS

Father, we need harvest workers to reach out to the hurting and lost people in the world who don’t know you. We pray, as Jesus commanded, Lord, send out workers. Show us how to impact others spiritually so they can come to know you. Show us the ways you want us to spread the good news and win disciples to you. We pray for the many missionaries and ministries around the world who reach lost and desperate people offering them food, water, shelter, and medical care as well as teaching them about you. Bless and empower them. May all Christians reflect your glory to the world so you can set them free. 

Blessings, Dottie

Change That Transforms

Scripture says: “If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God who reconciled us to himself through Christ.” (2 Cor. 5:17-18)

So those who are in Christ – those who have committed their lives to Him - are completely transformed! We are new creations! Some times this is hard to believe.

In my book Changing Churches I compare Christ-like transformation to the dramatic change that happens when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Think about the complete metamorphosis a caterpillar experiences. The caterpillar must “die to “self.”  Buried in his cocoon for a while, at just the right time he struggles to emerge. A colorful creature appears. What an amazing change! What a marvelous transformation!

Are we new creations yet? Have we been transformed? We live a seemingly caterpillar life in this world much of the time. But as Christians we are being changed by His love and grace. Our change is a process engineered by the Holy Spirit. We are in Christ and He is in us. He molds and makes us after His will. We must renew our minds by soaking in His Word. We must “die to self” daily. When we do this focusing our eyes on Him we become new creations – like butterflies.

When “butterfly” Christians are unified as a church we are transformed into His Body here on earth. Are we amazed by this? I certainly am. Jesus said, “On this rock, I will build my church” (Matt. 16:18). The rock is Peter’s recognition that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God. When the church is built on Him and His Word it will be a transforming church. We don’t transform ourselves, He does it. The early church lived in oneness with the Spirit and prayed continually. Ultimately they impacted the world.

Dear Father,

You are holy, holy, holy. You are Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Help us yield to your Holy Spirit, die to self and live transformed lives. Use us as channels for your transforming love, so the world may know that Jesus Christ is Lord.

In his precious name we pray. Amen.

May your life be filled with His transforming goodness and grace.

Blessings in Christ, Dottie

Do Questions Help or Hurt Communication?

Q.  I'm unhappy with marriage. My husband rarely volunteers information about himself. At meals I try to get conversation going and nothing happens. In fact, the he seems to resent my questions. Sometimes he acts as though I'm giving them the third degree. What do you suggest?

           

One way to improve communication with your husband is to stop asking questions! This can produce amazing results in a very short time. Most of us ask too many questions. There are many reasons why we use questions and why questions stop the flow of conversation rather than encourage it. As a talkative person you may have become anxious about what is going on inside your quiet husband. Out of your anxiety you bombard him with questions. The more questions you ask the more pushed your husband feels and the more he withdraws. Thus a vicious circle is formed. 

Questions Can Hinder Communication          

Questions "require" or "demand" an answer. The questioner expects an answer from the other person. Many of us resist anything forced upon us. We politely resist questions by giving one word answers or saying "I don't know."

           

Questions suggest an unequal relationship. The questioner is in control and is "one-up" on the person being questioned. Think for example of how you feel when questioned by a job interviewer, a teacher or a police officer. We feel good about ourselves when we feel equal to others not when we feel one-down.

           

Questions trigger defensiveness. The responder often has no idea what prompted your question yet he is expected to give an answer. Even a seemingly simple question may be experienced as an invasion of one's privacy or as a criticism.

           

Questions often avoid the main issue. For example, if you ask your husband "Do you have to work on Saturday?" He may avoid answering because he thinks you have a major chore in mind for him. Instead tell him what’s behind your question, what you’re wanting – such as "I'd like to go to a movie on Saturday. I hope you won't be too tired." The more you share directly what you think or feel the more your quiet partner will respond. It will take thought and determination to change your habit of asking questions. With time you will learn to say what you’re thinking directly without asking a question.

“The right word at the right time is like a custom made piece of jewelry.”  Proverbs 25:11 The Message

Blessings, Dottie