How can we keep our love growing?

In order to keep love growing in a marriage it’s necessary to be open and vulnerable to the other person. In other words, even though you’re uncomfortable showing your feelings this is what you must begin doing. This is especially difficult for men who were taught to appear tough and in control all the time. All of us learn to hide behind protective walls so we won’t be hurt. However, these walls keep us from connecting with each other. It’s only as we let the walls down that we are truly able to love and be intimate.

We are stronger now than we were when we put up the walls so we can survive if we are hurt. The alternative of not opening up is living life in isolation from others. Remember how you felt when you were courting your partner? To bring back that same excitement, do some of the same things you eagerly did then. You took risks then in reaching out to your love. 

Here is a list of things you can do that will help you connect with your partner in a loving way:

            •Let your eyes light up when your partner walks in the room.

            •Look into your partner’s eyes.

            •Listen to your partner, really listen.

            •Acknowledge your partner’s feelings.  “That must really hurt.” 

            •Ask for forgiveness for specific things you’ve done that have hurt your partner.

            •Hold hands in public and in private.

            •Give hugs and say “I love you.”

            •Give compliments.  “You look nice today.” 

            •Let your partner know you appreciate him or her. “I appreciate the time and effort you put into cooking dinner tonight.”

            •Cuddle while watching TV.

            •Be romantic while making love.

            •Remind your partner of specific times in the past when you were close.  Talk about these times.

Work at your marriage as you work at your job. It's worth the effort and time this takes. No one cuddles up to a job. The marriage remains when the job is over.

“My lover is mine and I am his. Song of Songs 2:16 NIV

Blessings, Dottie

Two Ways Out of A Maze

 I go through times when I feel very confused about myself, about my life, and even about God. It’s as though I’m in a maze and I can’t find my way out. I wander back and forth, in and out, repetitiously looking for answers, looking for a path that will lead me out of the maze. 

           

One day I prayed about this and God showed me two ways to get out of my maze! He showed me that a maze has walls but no ceiling. Someone above me looking down on the maze can tell me how to get out. 


Well, guess what, there is Someone above me! I just have to listen to Him. 

           

God also told me if I jump very high I can jump over the wall of my maze. If I have “A-mazing Grace” I can jump over the wall.  


With God’s love in my heart I do have “A-mazing Grace” and jumping over that wall is fun.

                                                                                                                

Blessings, Dottie

Vocation and the Beatitudes

Webster’s defines vocation as a strong feeling of being destined or called to undertake a specific type of work, especially a sense of being chosen by God. I wrote this adaptation of the beatitudes when I was in my twenties. I discovered it on my computer and thought others would find this of interest.

Blessed is the one who chooses his vocation wisely, for he shall help build the Kingdom of God.

Blessed is the one who chooses his vocation in terms of the needs of the world rather than the money it pays, for he shall find joy in serving.

Blessed is the one who evaluates his abilities and talents before choosing his vocation for he shall be well suited to his job.

Blessed is the one who adequately prepares himself for his life work for he shall do a more competent job.

Blessed is the one whose work is a joy and a delight for he shall be truly happy.

Blessed is the one who, having made a mistake in choosing his life work has the courage to find his vocation for he shall be satisfied.

Blessed is the one who seeks to discover the will of God for his life work, for he shall know the meaning of vocation.

Blessed are you when you carefully and prayerfully evaluate your capacities and interests before choosing your life work; when you diligently and purposefully prepare yourself for your chosen vocation; when you throw yourself unreservedly into your chosen work – to meet the challenges and the needs presented as best you can.

Rejoice and be exceeding glad for your life will be a meaningful adventure.  

Blessings, Dottie

"Commit your work to the Lord, and then your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

“I’M RIGHT, YOU’RE WRONG”

Couples often argue over minor issues attempting to have the last word. Many of us over react to an opinion that differs from our own.  So we jump in and disagree. We believe we’re always right. Some couples who argue could replace all their words and simply say “I’m right,” (So you’re wrong.) “No, I’m right.” (So you’re wrong.) In other words, this kind of argument gets no where and is destructive to relationships. 

           

A minister decided to become a doctor because he realized people would pay more to heal their body than their soul. After some years he decided to become an attorney realizing people would pay more to prove they are right than to heal either their body or their soul. A lawyer approach can wreck havoc in a marriage. It’s difficult to admit we’re wrong. It’s hard to be humble. We think we’re right and we think we know what’s best. We know others aren’t always right, but we think we are!

           

We want to be RIGHT. When we disagree we want to win the argument - some times at any cost. And there are costs to having to be right. It hurts our relationships. We become angry and defensive when our viewpoint is questioned. We nurse hurt feelings when someone disagrees with us. We become resentful and bitter as a result. Defensiveness stops communication and so does arguing.     

We need to learn to listen to each other without arguing. Listening is the key. Listen without disagreeing. Rephrase what your partner says. “So what you’re saying is …” This lets your spouse know you understand their viewpoint. It doesn’t mean you agree. Be clear on what your partner means before stating your own opinion.

           

Don’t expect your spouse to think the way you do. We have different personalities, different viewpoints and different experiences in life. We need to listen to and attempt to understand how the other person thinks and feels; how they view things. It will take work to change a pattern of arguing and let go of the need to be right. If you stop arguing and work at understanding each other’s point of view this will help. Even if only one person does this it will help. It takes two to argue.

“Arrogant know-it-alls stir up discord, but wise men and women listen to each other’s counsel.” Proverbs 13:10 The Message

Writing is a Daredevil Sport

Please note: A version of this post appeared here in August 2008 and this version went out in my Changing Churches: News and Views e-mail newsletter today. 

Writing a book is a daredevil sport!  I liken it to being out on a limb or jumping off a cliff.  Changing Churches: A View from the Pew is the name of my book. The outline dropped into my mind in my quiet time in August 2008. I prayed about it and began to write early in 2009.

I have new respect for writers and I’ve learned many ways to improve my writing. I’ve learned to avoid “to be verbs” and use active verbs. I’ve learned to eliminate most adverbs. I’ve learned to be creative, avoid clichés, use word pictures and illustrations. I’ve learned to show rather than tell.

Many times I was ready to quit. I sought God's will repeatedly, daily, as he's the one who got me into this! I gave the book to him over and over again. I never heard him say "You can stop now." So I kept going. The book will soon be in print!

Out of My Comfort Zone

Writing a book has repeatedly taken me out of my comfort zone. This is both scary and exciting. It has brought me to tears and to my knees. It has compelled me to share my work and seek feedback from friends, pastors, elders, and writers. Every step of the way, each morsel of feedback I received showed me another viewpoint and led to more revision and also spurred me on. 

Now I must focus on marketing – a whole new area to both scare and excite me. I’ve had a blog for a year and a half and I joined Facebook nearly a year ago. At the time these also were scary and new, but they connected me mostly with friends and acquaintances. Recently I joined Twitter and Linkedin – open to everyone and anyone! Will I do it right? How do I learn to do all this? Many questions fill my mind and keep me awake at night.

My respect for writers increased with the realization that virtually all writers must market their books. So now I must tell everyone about my book. I’m an introvert by nature and I do things slowly and methodically. All of this is challenging my comfort zones. God loves to stretch us.

Readers, please pray for me. Pray that the marketing and the book will be to God's glory. Pray the book will reach those who need to receive its message. Pray the book will help Christians navigate church changes while remaining true to Christ. Pray the book will help build up the church.

What’s the book about? Changing Churches describes through the eyes of one couple the difficult journey “church switchers” travel; a journey often precipitated by disruptive church changes. Changing Churches encourages Christ-like transformative change in churches rather than man-devised makeovers.

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Blessings, Dottie 

CARING FOR A DYING LOVED ONE

Caring for a dying family member can be overwhelming for caregivers. Often for example, two sisters will share the care for their dying mother. They want to provide care, but the added responsibilities along with the emotions involved create major stress. Both sisters must meet the needs of their own families and may also have full time jobs. As a result marriages suffer from neglect and time for oneself is only a fleeting memory. 

                             

When Mom lingers for a long time exhaustion sets in. The sisters may wish the loved one would die, but then feel shame for thinking this. Not to worry. This is a normal part of the grieving process. This does not indicate a lack of care. In fact, it may be a sign of love for Mom since her quality of life is minimal now. Here are some things caregivers can do that will help.

                             

1.  Allow yourselves to grieve, each in your own way. Be accepting of each other’s grieving styles. Grieving isn’t a one time event, it’s a process. Though grieving is painful it will relieve some of the stress you’re under. Face your loved one’s coming death and let your tears flow as you feel the sadness. 

                             

2.  Grieve together. Share your tears with your husband, your siblings, other close family members and close friends. Talk about your concerns and fears about the loved one’s care. Don’t ignore any issue. However, don’t dwell only on the pain and problems. Talk also about happy and humorous memories of your loved one.

                             

3.  If your loved one is mentally alert, talk with her about her dying. Listen for her to bring this up or gently do so yourself. It can relieve the dying person to know you are facing this loss and accepting her passing. It may even give her permission to stop fighting for life when there is no hope. 

                             

4.  Tell your Mom how much you love her and what you appreciate about her. Ask her for forgiveness for ways you’ve hurt her and tell her you have forgiven her for any hurts she’s caused you. Settle all accounts with her. It will help you both. Tell her all this even if you’re not sure she can now understand you. Her spirit will hear you.

                             

5.  Take time off from caring for your Mom without feeling guilty. If you’re attempting to help on a daily basis over a lengthy period of time, ask other family members or close friends to relieve you for a day or two each week. Maintain outside interests. Make time for yourself and for your marriage. 

                             

6.  Share your pain with God. We are conditioned to pray for health and healing so it seems wrong to ask God to take our loved one. But it’s not. God knows our hearts and accepts our deepest emotions. 

                             

7.  Hang onto your faith. We don’t understand God’s ways. Ask him to help you through these tough times.  Read and meditate on Psalm 23. He’s with us even as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

Blessings, Dottie

WARNING LABEL NEEDED

We hear a great deal about truth in advertising.  Labels on medication and on cigarettes for example must be accurate and must warn of any side effects. 

Well, does your church need a warning label? All churches should need one saying:

 

Coming here may be hazardous to your secular way of life; to your status quo, to the rut you're in.  There are side effects to coming here:

You may discover your soul.

You may discover meaning and purpose in life. 

You may get in touch with feelings of joy, wonder, gratitude, and love. 

You may feel the presence of God.

You may be touched by the Holy Spirit

And you may fall on your knees at Jesus feet. 

I know because all these side effects happened to me.