LOSS OF INTEREST IN SEX - PART 2

Q. I have been married for 15 years and have three children. About a year ago my husband lost interest in sex. I've tried to talk to him about this but all he will say is it's not because of me. He says I'm a good wife and a good mother. He just doesn't feel sexy anymore. What should I do?

A. You need to find out what is causing your husband’s loss of interest in sex. Is he experiencing a lack sexual potency that he's too embarrassed to reveal? Is he having an affair? Is he under extreme pressure on his job which leaves him exhausted? Does the intimacy of marriage scare him? Perhaps he has told you in the past about things that bother him, which you dismissed as minor. Does he feel dominated by you? Can he disagree with you? How do you settle differences? Answers to these questions may provide some clues to what may be troubling him.

           

Your husband's loss of interest in sex also could be due to grief. Have there been any deaths or serious illnesses in the family (including extended family) or among close friends within recent years? Was he a victim of sex abuse as a child? This can happen to boys as well as girls and affects the adult sex life of many victims.

You need to lovingly confront your husband in order to obtain answers. Pick a time to talk when he is rested and you won't be interrupted. Tell him that you need the connection, intimacy and love that marital sex offers. Tell him that you want him to go with you to see a counselor.

He may be blaming himself for problems that are caused unwittingly by both of you in your interaction together. Insist on getting help. This is crucial to your marriage. Find a Christian marriage counselor and go to the counselor with him. This is a marital problem, not just a sexual one. A book that may help is When Victims Marry by Don & Jan Frank.

“Unrelenting disappointment leaves the heart sick, but a sudden good break can turn life around.” Proverbs 13:12 NIV

Blessings, Dottie

Loss of Interest in Sex

Q.  For the first five years of marriage our sexual relationship was very satisfying. Then we had children and it's been down hill ever since. I've lost interest in sex. I make excuses to avoid it. This bothers my husband but I don't know how to change. At times he gets angry about it. I wish he would stop wanting sex. Why is sex so important to men?

           

A. Sex is a very basic way in which a husband gives himself to his wife. When he is received he feels accepted and loved both physically and emotionally. When he is rejected he feels very hurt and his self-esteem suffers. Wives need to learn about and understand the vulnerability husbands experience with sexual rejection. When they are turned down they interpret this as, "She doesn't love me" or "She doesn't want me." Since they aren't as adept as their wives at expressing their feelings they may hide their hurt under a layer of coolness or hostility.

Think about the reasons for your loss of interest in sex. Since it was once very enjoyable, you should be able to regain this lost pleasure. But you will have to want to for yourself. Remembering how pleasurable it once was may help you enjoy it again. Realizing that you are missing out on this enjoyment may help. You are cheating yourself!     

Reasons for Loss of Interest in Sex

There are a number of possible reasons for a loss of interest in sex and only you can say which one fits you. Many women lose interest in sex after having children. They no longer think of themselves as sexy. They are now "Mom" and their husband is now "Dad." Is it O.K. for Mom and Dad to have sex? Of course it is, but you must believe so in your own mind.

           

Have resentments built up between you and your husband? After a few years of marriage many couples reach an impasse. Conflicts they can’t talk about or resolve stack up between them forming a wall that prevents closeness. These issues are hard to suppress unless distance is maintained. It's impossible to be intimate and emotionally distant at the same time. Resentment can lead to a loss of interest in sex.

Do you have hang ups from childhood about sex? Many people grow up thinking sex is in some way wrong or dirty. This is more often true for women than men. Men are given more permission by our culture to be sexual. Also, if you were sexually abused or assaulted in any way, the memories and scars from this can cause a loss of interest in sex. 

Talk with your husband about these issues. Journaling about the reasons for your loss of interest in sex will also help. Christian counseling together is recommended. This is a crucial issue in your marriage and worth whatever it takes to resolve it.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 NIV

Blessings, Dottie